summer with my priest

Guilt and sunflowers

I lay in my bed and look up at the ceiling. It has those glow in the dark stars and moons everywhere. It's nice to look at and it helps me sleep. It's embarrassing that I still have these. I should have asked my dad to take them down once I turned five.

But a part of me still liked them.

When my sleep was done, I woke the next morning to loud knocking at my door. I grab the pillow next to me and place it over my head and groan. My parents don't wake me up on a weekend! This is crazy!

"Open up, son!" My dad knocked louder.

"Leave me alone!"

"Why did you lock your door! You know it's a rule in this house not to lock your door! Who knows what could happen??" My dad said, knocking outrageously.

I shoot up from my bed and rub my eyes. "Ah!! What could be more important than my sleep??"

"Open the door first."

I groan and stretch first before turning the lock on my door knob. I really hate seeing my dad's face. He's gross and I wish he were gone and out of my life. I'll never forgive him for what he did. He only cares about himself.

"Don't give me that attitude" he said. "Someone's at the door for you."

"Yeah I know. You're at my door" I rolled my eyes.

"I mean the front door". Oh. Well I must really be trippin' this morning.

I make my way downstairs and opened the front door only to quickly close it again. Oh fuck no...

"Gavin! Wait-" Tommy tries to open my door again but I push back. I lose strength and the door swings open all over again. Fuck! How can Tommy be stronger than me? This isn't right.

"What do you want?"

"A good morning would be nice" He frowned. He should know me by now. When have I ever said 'good morning' to anyone? I'll wake up to saying 'fuck you'.

Tommy holds a half-ripped yellow sunflower in front of me. "I uh..."

"Stop sweating. What the hell is this?" I asked.

He gulps. "Gavin, I think you're my special person and I- I uh- want to give you my flower."

For a second there, I almost threw up on the floor. What is he fucking doing? I know Tommy clings to me and all despite how much I push him away but I didn't think he'd have any feelings for me. Maybe he just thought I was his special person friend-wise. Yeah, that'd make more sense.

"But you're not my special person" I said.

I can't feel what Tommy feels but by the look of his face, I can see his heart cracking into pieces inside him. He looks like he would cry (as always).

"Fine" He said angrily, tears shedding down his plump red cheeks. "Sorry I came all this way."

"You live across the street, Tommy."

"I'll just give it to Seth" Tommy said, turning around and walking to my front gate.

"What??" I hollered. "That asshole?? Tommy I can't believe you! Why do you still care about that crazy bastard? Don't give your flower to him!"

"Why do you care what he does to me?" He yelled back.

I stay quiet this time. I don't care... I don't care at all. I don't care what Seth does to Tommy. I say this to myself a lot but a part of me still feels sorry. I like pain but I hate when I see bad violence happen to him.

"I don't care" I said.

Tommy opens my gate and slams it behind him as he walked down the street to his house. I sigh and go back inside my own. I guess today just wasn't a good day for the both of us.

My mom stands in front of me and shook her head sadly. Wait... has she been behind me the entire time? Why haven't I noticed her presence?

"Gavin..." she said. "How could you do that to the poor boy? I thought you would have gotten along when you stayed over at his house."

"Because I wanted to be honest" I said. "Do you expect me to lie to him?"

"I think you already lied about what you said" she placed a hand on my shoulder. "Are you sure you told him the complete truth?"

My guilt takes over me. As much as I want it to be pure honesty, I did lie about half the things I said to Tommy. I don't want to feel bad for lying because I know it's a sin but I don't want anyone to know that i'm just the average boy like the rest of them. Something about me is off somehow. But i'm no different from everyone else even when I act like it.

"Yes. I'm sure" I said.