summer with my priest

pity party

I can't forget his reaction after the day I kissed him. I feel like an idiot. Every time I think about it, my cheeks flush red. And not the cute in-love kind of blushing. Though, I wish it was. Instead, it was the embarrassed kind. The regretful one.

I refused to attend church choir for the next three days. I'm still on edge, incredibly anxious, and beyond terrified. Everything scares me. I can't look my parents in the eyes after what I did.

What's most shocking is that they don't know about it yet. I'd thought Father Benjamin would tell them and get me in trouble. But seeing that everyone except me and my priest is acting normal and the same as any average day, I'd assume that Father Benjamin never told anyone about it. Not even to the person he loves and trusts most: his daughter.

But I know the consequences if he did tell anyone. Even if he told the story and made himself the victim. He'd get arrested and I guess he's trying to avoid that. He has many admirers and people looking up to him. He doesn't want to lose anyone he cares about. And I was the one who ruined his life.

I laid on my pillow and hugged my brown stuffed bunny, keeping it close to my face so it feels like I have someone on my side. Mommy comes to my room and feeds me some soup. She doesn't force me out of my room to come eat dinner as a family this time. I pretended I was sick.

The metal spoons hits by teeth and the chicken soup spills a little.

"Oops" my mom chuckles. she wipes the mess and attempts to spoon feed me again.

I feel sorry that i'm making her assist me. She really does deserve a break. It's about time I have to start helping her. Parents do so much for you but you hardly do anything in return. This needs to be the last time I play the pityful baby.

"Mom?" I mumbled.

"Yes, sweet heart?"

She seems so happy. Smiling very friendly. If I ever told her that I kissed Father Benjamin, she wouldn't be like this anymore. I don't want to stress her out and I don't want to lose her or daddy either.

"Nevermind" I sighed, looking down at the soup sitting over the bed sheets. "I can spoon feed myself, thank you."

My mom nods and lets me eat on my own. "Do you want me to fetch you a drink?"

"No, i'm okay" I said. After what I did, I don't deserve people's kindness. I should get smacked as punishment.

Of course, I couldn't fake being sick forever. At some point, my parents forced me to go back to church choir. I was nervous. I don't know how i'll act when I get there. With this many days passing by, Father Benjamin would have figured by now that I was avoiding him.

I arrived to choir late. The other kids were already singing together. I walk slowly with my choir gown on and everything and sneak to the back where I belonged. Father Benjamin notices me right away. He quickly loses eye contact with me and goes back to watching the children sing and yelling encouraging words like "good!" or "keep it up!"

When singing was over, I begin to feel blood rushing to my heart quickly. What was I suppose to do now without a task... sit alone again like I always do? It will only draw Father Benjamin's attention to me because he told me before in the meeting that he would keep me company when i'm alone.

I have no choice but to do what I always did in choir. Sit by myself and judge other people from a distance.

Fifteen minutes passed during our lunch time and I ate the pasta that my dad packed for me, along with baby carrots and a bottle of water. Tommy doesn't trade with me this time. He's not here today.