The Letter Which Remain Unburnt...

Chapter 2

WARNING : THERE IS A MINIMAL SELF HARM MENTIONED.

PS. I DON'T SUPPORT SELF HARM IT'S JUST FOR STORY.

CHAPTER 2

JB's POV:

We were resting after 4 hours of continuous practice when I saw Jinyoung (The person I love so much with all of my heart but i am so scared to say anything) skipping out of the room. I saw him go out on the rooftop. How do I know? Well let us just say that I have been following him for long enough to know that he always go to rooftop take some pages out and burn them. I don't know what is in there in those pages but I have always been so curious to know that what could be so secretive that he always burns those pages? What is the secret, which he doesn't want anyone to know? I always follow him, I follow him everywhere he goes to like a stalker that is how much I love him but it looks like he is always in his own world coz he never seemed to notice me. He never knew that I followed him everywhere like fool in love, maybe I am good at hiding or maybe he is just not so much aware of his surroundings to notice me and I think it's the second one coz I am not so discreet.

            Well, back to the topic. I was playing with Youngjae like usual when I notice him slipping out of the room. Just before completely disappearing from the sight, I saw something fell out from his pocket when he was taking his handkerchief out. Noticing that they were the famous pages (he always burned the pages by routine, I know that coz during the time of me following him, and I never saw him doing the same on any other days). I quickly got up from place and pick those papers up, and went away from the room. I was so curious to see what was in those papers. I went away before Jinyoung could come back to look for his papers.

            I went to the fifth floor to hide in an unused closet room and locked the room from inside. I turned on the flashlight on my phone, as it was very dark in the room. I then took out the pages and started reading them. As I opened them I saw my name on it and it wasn't some pages instead it was a letter, for me. Now I was nervous to read them, as I don't know what is written inside these pages. But I had to know so I started reading them.

"28-04-18

My one and only love Im Jaebum,

            Jaebum-ah! Bumah! Bummie! Ah how much I want to call you by these names but I know I don't have any right to. Only Youngjae can call you by these names"

What the hell is he saying? Why can't he call me by those names? In fact, only he can call me by these names. I only want him to call me by these names. Moreover, why the hell should Youngjae be the one to call me by these names? I am his hyung for god sake, he can't call me by my name.

            "Jaebum-ah! You know I love you right. You remember that I confessed to you years ago, yet you never answered me back. I was so confused when you didn't answer me. Was it because you heard that I am gay and you felt disgusted by me. Now, I think about it that must have been the reason. You must have felt disgusted by me that's why you stopped talking to me at that time. You still don't talk to me anyway, leave the talk out, you don't even look at me properly. You must have hated me with all your heart that's why you can't stand me right? Am I that hateful Jaebum-ah that you can't even look at my face?"

OH MY GOD! He felt this way all this time? He thought that I hated him just because I didn't answer him back at that time. I am so stupid (A/N: that you are jaebum-ah. Stupid for Jinyoung's love) I should have said something, but I was confused back then. I was so confused coz I did have feelings for him but I was not ready to believe that I like a boy. I neglected his question for a long time and used to avoid him just because of it but that ignorance has led him to believe that I am disgusted by him and hate him, which is not true.

            I don't hate him, in fact I love him so much that sometimes I feel like that if I never saw him again I would not able to live and die instantly. I need him near me, I need to feel that he is somewhere near for me to breathe properly. He works like oxygen to me. Even now, I am feeling like without him in my arms, I am just breathing to survive daily, but I don't hate him. I can never hate him.

            "You don't have to give me the answer anymore. I know your answer now. I know that you're bisexual and you don't like me. You made it clear just being together with Youngjae. I know you love him, but don't you think you are being too cruel to me. I get that you don't love me but can you not do those lovey dovey actions with Youngjae in front of me. I get hurt too you know, after all I am a human or both of you just love doing that in front of me so that you can rub it on my face and tell me that you can never be mine.

            I will be honest to you that yes seeing you both together always smiling and happy hurts me a lot but I also don't want you to be sad and unhappy coz you deserve happiness"

            By now, tears were flowing from my eyes. The more I read letter the more I can feel his pain and hurt. Now, it got me to think that staying away from him has only made me cruel in his eyes. I knew that he loved me but what I didn't know was he still loves me. If I had known, I would have made a move but after that time, he never said it again and never tried to tell me. Just to divert my mind from Jinyoung, I started talking to Youngjae. He is a ball of sunshine. Even if you are sad you can be happy around him, forget all your problems for a little while. Believe me I never knew that I could hurt him this way. I am scared of reading ahead; I don't know what else I will get to know.

            " Bummie do you remember all those time where we had to play paper passing game and 10 minutes challenge game. I was so happy to know that I have to share those moments with you. Even though those were onscreen moments and not real still they gave me enough strength to survive all this time without going crazy. I am thankful to you for all those onscreen moments you did with me for fan service. Even though it was fan servicing for you, but for me they are very precious moments. Do you remember you once yelled at me because I sat so close to you? I was hurt that day. That was also the first time when I decided to cut myself for the first time. In addition, guess what I didn't even felt any kind of physical pain because the emotional pain was too much to handle. Then little by little it became a habit."

I can't handle it anymore. I don't deserve him. I deserve to die. How can I not know that all this time he was suffering and the reason is I? I don't know how to make it up to him. I want him to be happy and want to give him the world. Am I even qualified enough to do that?

NOTE: HOPE YOU GUYS WILL LIKE IT.