Free (Sequel to Through The Dark) Complete

Chapter 59

Harry was sitting on the couch at Niall and Amanda's a few days after the therapy session he'd attended with Julie.  They were leaving for the UK late that evening.  Niall and Amanda were flying over also.  Spending some time in London and then heading to Ireland for the holidays.  Julie had left to go to her second scheduled therapy session about a half an hour ago.  He accepted the bottle of water Amanda handed him as she walked into the living room from the kitchen.  "Thanks."  He muttered opening the bottle and taking a drink.

"Harry, what's wrong with you?"  Amanda asked sitting on the couch next to him.  "You've seemed a bit distant the past couple of days."

Harry sighed.  He wasn't sure how much he should share with Amanda.  Part of his problem was figuring out how to navigate the thoughts swimming around his girlfriend's head.  "Have you ever attended a therapy session with her?"  He asked looking at Amanda.

Amanda shook her head.  "No, I haven't.  Have you?"

"Yeah, I went the other day.  She has a new therapist, and she wanted to see Julie before we left for London.  Jordan, the therapist, asked if it was ok if I came along, and even though I could tell Julie wasn't thrilled with the idea, she asked me."  Harry looked down and played with the water bottle in his hands.

"You've been spending too much time with JJ."  Amanda said gently removing the bottle from his hands.  "Always trying to keep your hands busy when you're thinking now.  Is that what this is about?  You're looking a bit sad these days.  Did something happen?"

"I don't know what I should say.  That's the thing.  I almost felt like I was eavesdropping on a conversation I wasn't meant to hear.  Actually, it wasn't really a conversation.  I don't think I've ever heard her talk so much.  Or maybe I've just never taken the time to listen so much?"  He queried looking over at Amanda.  "I swear, there were things I knew, but there were things I just never understood.  The way she feels, Amanda, I swear I wish I could just take that from her."

"What do you mean?"  Amanda asked.  She was now a bit concerned about JJ.  What had spooked Harry so much he wasn't his cheeky, playful self that he usually was?  "You're freaking me out a little bit here, you know that?"

"Sorry, it's just, I almost feel like I'm breaking confidence.  Do you think that we've tried so hard to get her to see that she's wrong in doubting herself that we just invalidated her true feelings?  Like we just wouldn't let her tell us what she really needed?"  Harry took a deep breath to try to steady his emotions.  The past couple of days he'd been caught deep in thought wondering if what he was doing was just as bad as what Johnny had done to Julie.  Trying to get her to feel the way he felt she should.  "Have we been just as bad as Johnny in all of this?"

"What?  Harry, come on."  Amanda replied shocked.  "Seriously?"

"Yes, seriously, she trusts us as much as she can trust anyone, and every time she's tried to tell us how she's felt, we've basically stopped her and told her she was wrong.  That she shouldn't feel the way she did.  That she shouldn't be so down on herself and that she was stronger and better than she thought she was.  But we never LISTENED as to why she felt that way.  And did you notice that as soon as we did that, she stopped?  She stopped talking.  So, all we did was make her bottle right back up."

Amanda sat quietly and listened to Harry.  "Jesus.  What happened in that therapy session?"  She asked as she looked down at her hands now.  "Does she really feel that way?  Like we've been trying to control her?"

"I don't know if that's it exactly.  But the things she said, the details she went into.  How she feels that all of this is her fault, because she chose to be happy and she should know better."  Harry sighed and leaned back against the couch.  "I feel like I'm in therapy now, trying to sort this all out.  That doctor basically told me to shut up and listen in a lot more of a subtle way.  And that's when I noticed it.  I tried to interrupt her thoughts, her words when she was explaining her feelings.  And then when she noticed I was upset, she stopped cold.  Her whole demeanor changed. She went into trying to protect me instead of continuing to get out what she felt.  Do I really make her feel that way?"