no matter where i go (im always gonna want you back) // calum hood fanfiction

one- the backstory

-five months ago-

I hold my breath as he stands in front of me, his eyes cold and red. My heart feels like it's stopped beating, like the pulsating has ended and my veins run ice cold.

"So this is it?" I try to say, but my voice just catches in my throat, making the statement come out as a whisper. I clench my teeth and form my hands into fists.

He takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Grace. I never meant to hurt you."

     Why does this seem so easy for him? He's only cried half as much as I have.

     "How was it so easy for you to love her while you knew you were coming back to sleep next to me? How could you live with yourself when you fell asleep next to the girl you 'loved' after you finished fucking someone else?" The questions spill out of me before I can stop them, but I don't wish I could have kept them inside. I want to see him wiggle under the shame of this, and I was to see his face turn pale from embarrassment.

     "Grace, I told you, I didn't mean for it to happen. You know I loved you and always will."

     I notice how cold it is for a June night. How the wind blows on my tear-stained face, and sends chills down my neck. I look down at the black pavement Calum and I are stood on, and study my black converse.

     "You never loved me." I whisper, not knowing if it was loud enough for him to hear but also not caring. I want to hurt him like how he hurt me- but worse.

     I look up into his eyes again, and remember how easy it was to fall into them. They swept me away and I struggle to remain free from them now.

     I realize he did hear that statement, because now the dark orbs are glossed over with tears until they escape, three drops flooding down his cheeks.

     "That's a lie and you know it," he says, biting down on his plump lip as more tears tumble off of his face. I have to look away, I can't think about kissing those lips anymore. They're not mine to touch anymore, to feel. "I love you so fucking much. I am so sorry that I made such an unforgivable mistake. But I will never be happy again until I have you in my arms forever. I fucked this up like I knew I would because that's what I'm best at. But every time I smile it's because you're on my mind and nothing will ever change that."

     I stop looking at the dark navy sky after he says this, and I look right into his eyes. And then more tears come from my hazel ones. And, then more tears come from his. I have to shift my gaze to the white garage behind his head, and my dark hair falls over my forehead. I want to wipe it away, but I know if I take my hands out of my jacket they'll end up taking Calum back. And I can't let myself fall again.

     "Calum, I love you. You're all I ever think about. But I can't trust you anymore and without trust there's no chance of us," my breath catches in my throat again, and I hiccup as I cry some more. "You are the only one I want to be with. But I'm not the only one you want to be with. And, that's not what I want. I have to go." I finally pull my arms out of my pockets, and wipe away the tears. This doesn't work well, as they just keep escaping my tear ducts.

     I smoothen out my jacket and flip my hair over my shoulder as I look back into Calum's eyes, and scan his face one more time. His lip quivers, and it takes everything inside of me to not run into his arms and kiss those pink lips.

     "I won't stop fighting for us. I won't stop fighting for you. I promise you, that I will do whatever it takes to have you again. Anything. You will be mine again." He says, our eyes still locked. Chills are sent all down my body after this statement, and his eyes turn to glass. They look empty, longing for me again. I try not to cry but it's no use, seeing him cry makes my eyes flow like the river we used to visit.

     "Goodbye Calum." I whisper, biting my lip as I turn on my heel and walk to my parked car.

     "I promise." He says as I open the door and drive away.