no matter where i go (im always gonna want you back) // calum hood fanfiction

five- doubt

     It's Tuesday morning, and after a whole day of thinking, I'm starting to doubt myself.

      What if he deserves a second chance? Should I give it to him? I love him, I know that, but he hurt me, I also know that. My mind tumbles over thoughts and my heart jumps at my mind's mentioning of his name.

All I can think of is that night five months ago. We were fighting, I was screaming, he was crying. It all happens because I saw his texts with Hannah, and my blood ran ice cold. I was so angry, about everything. I was angry about my mom working so much and not seeing my dad for years and Calum loving someone else.

Three days after that is when we ended it, I didn't answer any texts within those days. No calls, no emails, I ignored the door bell and went to school glued to Erin's hip so she could hide me. It was Hell seeing his face in the hallways. And then, after three days of silence, we were standing on his driveway, and it was over. He did text her, he did love her, he did touch her and hold her and kiss her.

And now I'm doubting my thoughts of taking him back- maybe he doesn't deserve it. But, maybe I wasn't a good enough girlfriend for him to stay with me.

I pace around my room for the hundredth time, Erin blowing up my phone with text messages but my thoughts continue to ramble. I know I need to decide if I should let him in again, but I've never felt this unsure of a decision.

Erin: I'm coming over, you have no choice. Be there in 10.

     I sigh, but accept the fact that there's no way I can stop Erin from coming.

     I go to the bathroom and throw my hair into a bun with my black scrunchie, and throw an over-sized Nirvana shirt over my black sports bra.

     All I can do it sit on the end of my bed, and stare at my white wall. I pick at my finger nail, and chew on my bottom lip. Calum always hated when I picked my nails and loved when I took my bottom lip into my mouth. But this time I bite so hard the metallic taste of blood awakens my taste buds. I wince, and sigh as I walk downstairs.

     The doorbell rings, and even though the last thing I want to talk about is Calum, I'm glad I'm not alone with my thoughts anymore.

     I open the door, and as soon as I lay my eyes on the tall, messy-haired boy, my heart drops and my breathing stops. I barely notice Erin standing beside him.

     "Hi." He says, and the color drains from my cheeks.

     I just open the door wider, and welcome my best friend and the handsome stranger inside.

     They follow me into the living room, and sit down on the black leather couch next to me.

     I don't know what to say, and my throat won't let me speak. I suddenly feel self conscious about my lack of clothing or make up, so I look down at my fingers as I sit cross-cross and place them in my lap.

     "Please say something." Calum says, and my eyes gloss over. It wasn't this hard to look at him yesterday. If I need to be drunk to speak to him, why would I want to be with him?

     "I don't know what to say, Calum." I say, picking at the skin around my cuticles.

     He sighs, and I hear Erin shift in her seat, attempting to fill the uncomfortable silence.

"Why did you come here, Calum?" Erin asks him, but she looks at me instead of him. I feel all the energy and emotion drain from my body, and Erin notices my lack of movement or motivation for this conversation. 

"I thought it was pretty obvious. But, I guess I'll go into detail," he shifts on the couch, as if trying to get more comfortable before he goes on. "I fucked up, Grace. And not even kinda fucked up, like, I massively fucked up." 

I gain the courage to look up at his face, and he looks like shit. Like he hasn't slept in months and I barely recognize him. I look back down at my hands fidgeting in my lap when he clears his throat and begins to speak again. 

"I knew what I was doing and I still did it. I know I don't deserve you but it's been hell living my life like you never existed. All I ever do is think of you. I see you everywhere and hear your voice when I'm sleeping, Grace."

I just feel numb at this, like he's saying these things to me but I can't process or feel the emotions that are supposed to go along with his words. I feel absolutely empty. I can't stop thinking about how one random girl he met at a bar that he was only able to get into with a fake ID in San Francisco could ruin three years of my life. How could he throw a three-year-long relationship away with his empty beer bottles?

"Just get out, Calum." Is all I can say, and I'm honestly surprised I was able to muster up the energy to speak.

"Grace, please-"

"Get out." I look into his eyes, I feel cold and lifeless. He stares back at me, and he starts to cry. 

I want to hold him, to kiss him and tell him everything is going to be okay. But, I can't. Because it's not okay and it's never going to be alright for us. My heart breaks as I watch him cry, but I can't look away. I wonder if that's how he felt that night in the rain. 

"I'm sorry." is all he says. Still crying, he stands up, wipes his cheeks, and leaves through my front door. 

As soon as that door latches shut, I start to sob. My face falls into my palms and my shoulders shake. I'm angry and I'm sad and I'm just so tired. 

"Aw baby, come here." Erin whispers, pulling me into her arms as I cry into my hands. She hugs me, and rocks me back and forth, rubbing my back and my arms in attempt to comfort me.

"You're okay, it's okay. Just breathe, honey." 

And, I let myself go, fully breaking down. I cry, I scream, I cuss, and I cry again. It feels good to let it out. I sit in Erin's arms for a couple more minutes, and just try to forget about Calum.