no matter where i go (im always gonna want you back) // calum hood fanfiction

four- the morning after

      I wake up in somebody else's bed, and my eyes flutter from the ceiling to the bookshelf next to the stranger's bed. It's filled with Polaroid pictures and various novels. I shift, turning to the right side of the mattress, and I find Calum, asleep on the ground next to me.

      Immediately I regret coming to this party. My mom raised me to believe that people don't deserve second chances, because if they could hurt you once, they'll do it again. I've stood by that saying ever since. So, seeing Calum lying next to me, I realize last night wasn't a dream and I really almost let myself dive head first into him again.

     The alarm clock on the nightstand next to Calum's head reads 10:02, and I realize I spent the night in someone's bed that I don't know next to someone that I used to know. I'm thankful I didn't wake up in his arms, though.

     I carefully swing my legs over the side of the bed, they're still clad with my velvet thigh-highs.

     As quietly as I possibly can, I make my way to the door. I attempt to slowly twist the doorknob and crack it open just enough for me to slip through quietly, but it groans in return. Calum merely stirs, but his eyes remain closed and his chest continues to fall up and down.

    I stand in the doorway, and take one final look at the boy I hate loving. His cheeks are rosy and his lips are swollen from sleep. His eyes are closed, and his eye lashes dark. I almost don't want to leave, but I know I have to. How could I trust him? But I love him, and I don't think I'll ever stop loving him. Once he shifts in his slumber, I dart down the stairs stealthily and hope that Erin is passed out somewhere.

     With no luck in finding her, I'm thankful that Braden's house is only a fifteen minute walk from mine. The house seems to be completely empty besides a few stragglers cleaning out the pizza boxes filled with cold pizza crusts, and Braden passed out on the living room floor.

     I let myself out, carefully shutting the door behind me. I immediately unzip myself from the heels, and carry them in my hand as I swing is back and forth by my hip.

     I start to think as I follow windy sidewalks and empty roads. And usually, it's never good for me to think. I can't stop thinking about Calum, about how I almost fully gave in. I know the liquor was to blame for a little bit of what I said, but I also know everything I said was true, and Calum is the only person I want to be with. But, I can't let myself go back.

     I make it to my front door, it feels as though I've only been walking for seconds but I guess my feet took over while my brain thought about Calum's sad eyes.

     Why were his eyes so sad? They were so sunken, so hopeless, he looked so lost and almost scared. What if he needs me more than ever? What if his eyes are sad and I'm not helping him which makes them even darker and sunken and scary. I don't want him to be scary.

     I open the front door, the sound of the latch snapping me out of my thoughts as my eyes gloss over with tears of regret or guilt.

     It's Sunday, and I almost forget Mom doesn't work Sundays until the aroma of pancakes and bacon fills the house.

     "Hi, honey. Where were you? I checked your room and you weren't there." She says, as she turns away from some bacon cooking on the stove that is now behind her. She's smiling, which makes me feel more at ease. My mom has never been mean or scary, which is why I could never understand why my dad left.

     "I slept over at Erin's, I didn't really plan to, but I fell asleep super early and she just let me." I smile back at her, pulling out a stool from under the kitchen island and taking a seat.

     "Okay, I just missed you!" She says, turning backs round to flip around the pieces of flimsy meat.

     My mom doesn't really have friends her age. I mean, she has friends at work, but they all have families filled with young kids, and my mom didn't have the opportunity to have more when my father left. I wish she would find someone, but she's too busy anyways. I've always been her best friend, and she's always been mine, but when she started to work nearly all day every day, we grew apart. We're still close, but she's not here to hear about my days or ask if I'm doing okay. That's another thing that worries her. Since I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety two years ago, she's been worried constantly about my health. But, she's not here to check on me as much as she'd like to. I reassure her, tell her my meds are working and my counselor is phenomenal, but there are some days I really wish she could just be here to hold me and tell me everything will be okay.

     "I missed you too, Mom. I'm sorry I didn't come back last night, I guess I was really tired." I feel bad for lying, but I know she'd be a little upset if I told her I went to a party without asking. I know she would have said yes, so I haves myself some time by not having to play 21 questions with her while she should be with a patient.

     She begins to place stacks of pancakes onto two plates and piles bacon next to them. She always cooked too much food for the two of us, but I don't tell her to stop because she loves cooking for the big family she doesn't have. She doesn't ever want to admit it's just us now.

     She takes a seat next to me, as we eat our food and chat about summer and the colleges I haven't looked at.

****

     It's 11:45, and my mom went to bed an hour ago. I decided to stay downstairs and watch Netflix, but then when my eyes start to droop closed, I give in and head upstairs too.

     Realizing I haven't changed out of what I wore the night before or checked my phone at all today, I decide to scroll through my notifications while the shower runs for a little while to heat up.

     I open my text messages, seeing nearly 20 unread ones from Erin. It's funny how she could text me so many times saying how worried she is that she couldn't find me when she left, but she didn't try to call me once.

     I scroll through the messages, seeing that she assured me someone drive her home because she drank too much. I'm glad to hear that, I didn't even remember to think about that before Calum took me upstairs.

     Calum.

      I try to distract myself by replying to her, and telling her all is well, and that I just fell asleep alone in a random bedroom upstairs.

     She responds almost immediately, causing me to jump as I remove my tee shirt and shorts from my body, leaving myself in my underwear and bra.

     Erin: I heard Calum is back in town.. Do you think he was at the party?

     I debate telling her that he was, and that we talked for an hour, and fell asleep in the same room, but then I decide I'll save that for when I see her in person next.

     Me: I'll talk to you about everything when I see you next, okay? Long story. I'm going to shower now, I love you bye x

     I place my cell phone in the countertop as I choose a towel from the closet next to me and hang it over the shower rod.

     My phone buzzes, and I check it one final time before hopping in the warm water.

     Erin: I know Calum was there, I just didn't want to say it unless you clarified. I figured you would know. He texted me a week ago, telling me he was coming back here for you. I didn't want to tell you, I didn't want to be the one to reopen that wound. But, it looks like it's reopened by the man who made the mark himself. Okay, I love you. I really hope you're okay, did you end up running into him? Call me later please, I need to know. And if you did, tell me what happened x

     And with that, I turn my phone off and walk into the shower, the warm water running over me feels comforting, and it's just what I needed.