Reasons I Try

Gone

You know, it's funny how everything you could ever possibly love just disappears. It's funny how'll you know you'll never get over it. It's absolutely hilarious that no matter what you say or do the person you love will always think that you hate them. You really fucked up. 

I really fucked up. I can't stop loving someone who thinks I hate them, who really, in fact, hates me. I can't stop looking at food in disgust. I can't go a week without people asking me what happened to my arm. I can't go a week without doing something new to my arm. I can't be strong when I know I need to. I can't stop crying. I can't stop blaming myself. I just can't. I can't look at him without wanting to die because of what I did. It's my fault, all of it was and is. Sometimes I feel like he'd be better off if I never joined the damned musical. 

My will is gone. My reasons to try? Gone as well. Just like everything that is good in life. I'm so scared of losing people I already lost. 

Nothing I say matters to him or anyone else. Am I loved? Yes, and I'm grateful for that but in the end, my words will always fall short of being important. I never thought that someone with such a large ego like me could ever feel so small ever again. I was always scared of getting hurt and now I see that I'm the one who hurts people. 

I hope I don't this fail this time.