Life Plan

The secret

Me: "Yes. What about you?"

Grayson: "18."

Me: "Oh you were an adult."

Grayson: "I guess I was. Why did you loose yours at such a young age?"

Me: "Why is it a big deal for you?" I started to get frustrated. This is something I don't like talking about. But it all happened at a party during high school. The one JJ was talking about. She knew I had sex that night but she didn't know what actually happened.

Grayson: "Are you okay?"

Me: "No. No, Grayson I'm not okay. Are you judging me for loosing my V-Card at 15?"

Grayson: "I'm not judging you. I'm just.... confused."

Me: "Well there's nothing to be confused about. People loose their virginity, I lost mines at 15. I wish I lost it to you." I sat up on the bed and out my clothes on. I needed to leave. I couldn't be here. He's never seen me cry before.

Grayson: "Hey, where are you going?"

Me: "I need to leave."

Grayson: "Why babe? Did I do something?"

Me: "No Grayson it wasn't you. It was Jacob." I froze realizing what I just did. "Fuck." I put my clothes on faster. He hopped from the bed and got in front of me before I could leave his room.

Grayson: "Who the fuck is Jacob?!" I couldn't look at him. I just looked down at my feet. He grabbed my chin and made me look at him. I closed my eyes so I wouldn't make direct contact. "Look at me." He was demanding. I was scared for this secret I've been holding in for 4 years to come out.

Me: "No." I replied still with my eyes closed. A year came out while my eyes were closed. How the fuck?

Grayson: "Look at me." He said again. He wasn't taking 'no' for an answer.
I opened my eyes and he was really closed to my face with his forehead on mines. He was looking right into my eyes. But I was no longer scared. I felt safe, and comforted. Something I haven't felt in a while.

Me: "A party." I managed to say. Tears flowing down my face.

Grayson: "A party? What do you mean?" He was still looking into my eyes. I looked away. "Look at me!"
I did.

Me: "Me and JJ were at a party."

Grayson: "In high school?"

Me: "Yes." I nodded my head.

Grayson: "And what happened?" He wanted to listen. He was caring. And it made me feel good.

Me: "I had... a crush on this kid. His name was Jacob."

Grayson: "Okay."

Me: "And he invited.... me and JJ to his party he was having at his house." I started to tear up again.

Grayson: "Don't force it out. If you don't wanna tell me you don't have to."

Me: "No but I want to. I need to. I need to tell someone."

Grayson: "Okay. So tell me."

Me: "Okay." I sat down on the floor with my back against the wall. He sat down I front of me and held my hand in his. "We went. Of course. We barely went to any parties, it was our chance to get out and have fun." 

Grayson: "Yeah." He came closer to me putting my hair behind my ear. I took his hand and put it on the ground. I didn't want anything happening in the moment.

Me: "People were getting drunk. Except for me and JJ. But Jacob snuck some kind of pills into one of my sodas and got me dizzy and shit." I started to cry and break down.

Grayson: "Finish. Don't hesitate. I wanna know."

Me: "And we decided to play spin the bottle..." I wiped away my tears and took a deep breathe. "I spun it and it landed on him. He kissed me." I didn't wanna finish the story but I did at the same time. "He took me up to his... room. And we were making out. Damn this feels weird telling you." I let out a chuckle but then got serious again. Tears kept coming down my face. "He started taking off my clothes and I stopped him when he tried to take off my pants. I just.... didn't feel.... okay doing that. I told him I didn't wanna keep taking anything off and he said that it was okay. I told him it wasn't and I ended up trying to leave. But he locked to door and pushed me on the bed. The pills started to kick in so I could barely move or defend myself. He took... my pants off." I started crying uncontrollably.

Grayson: "Hey, hey. It's okay baby it's okay." He kissed my forehead and pulled me into his arms. "You don't have to finish."

Me: "He... took my pants off."

Grayson: "Oh god." He put his hands on my hair and stroked it. He knew what was happening.

Me: "I couldn't fucking get him off Grayson. I couldn't move, I could barely keep my eyes open." I couldn't stop crying.

Grayson: "Breath." He kept stroking my hair.

Me: "He... he... he raped me Grayson."

Grayson: "It's okay." I felt his chest moving.

Me: "Don't cry." I said through my tears.

Grayson: "I can't not cry. You were hurt. Does JJ know?!" He pulled me away from his chest. He looked into my eyes and I looked into his.

Me: "You're the only one that knows. Maybe." I never told anyone. "I fell asleep from the pills and I ended up waking up in my own bed. I guess JJ took me back home."

Grayson: "She didn't ask any questions when you guys saw each other again?"

Me: "She asked what happened."

Grayson: "What did you tell her?"

Me: "I told her that we did it."

Grayson: "Why did you lie?"

Me: "Because I was fucking scared."

Grayson: "It wasn't your fault."

Me: "Yes it was."

Grayson: "How?" Tears were falling form his eyes.

Me: "I was taught to defend myself. To never ever let anyone take advantage of me. To never fucking let anyone touch me unwillingly. And I couldn't even do that right!" He pulled me into his chest and comforted me.

Grayson: "None of this is your fault Gizelle. It's not your fault someone took advantage of you. You said it yourself he put something in your drink."

Me: "If I didn't try to be normal it wouldn't have happened."

Grayson: "It's not your fault!"

Me: "But what if it is?"

Grayson: "It can't be if it's not. It just doesn't make sense." He giggled and kissed my cheek.

Me: "Okay so, since it's not... what do I do?"

Grayson: "You tell someone."

Me: "No." I shook my head. "We are not telling anyone else!"

Grayson: "Why not?"

Me: "Because I only trust you."

Grayson: "Why me?"

Me: "Because you're the only man I've ever loved."

Grayson: "Really?"

Me: "Yes Grayson. I've only ever been in love with you."

Omggggg that shit was crazzyyyyyy. The next chapter is monthsssssssssss into the future. Just know that this whole thing blows over and JJ and my mom do eventually find out. The guy goes to jail and stuff and has charges pressed.
I just want you guys to know rape is a very serious thing and I didn't just write this to write it. I wrote it to gain awareness against it. I know way too many people like my friends and family that have been malested and it's not funny. It's actually very scary and life changing in a kind of bad way. I hope this raises some kind of awareness against it.

Vote and comment please💚