Some Drawing And The Book Of Me. Isabella.

I need help.

I stress alot. I stress about getting good grades and how i never seem to please my mom with my grades. I stress about my friends and trying to please everyone. I stress about my weight and how i never look how i want to look. I stress about my crush and so many other things. My mom trully believes im this happy care free stress free no problematic kid. But that's because if I tell her all of this she would probally sue my school or call 911 or put me in therapy instead of trully listening to me.

To be honest I'm probally waisting  your time writing this but writing down my problems really does help me.

Kids at my school are so judgmental. There's this small group of kids at my school who are so so nice and if people acually got to know them instead of judging them then everything would be fine. I recently started hanging out with this group of kids because my 1rst period group of friends I was hanging out with were such bitches. But these people are trully nice and genuin. 

Now this group of kids also happens to be in the lgbtq community. One girl is gay another boy is bisexual and another one is transgender. I identify as pan sexual and when I met them i felt they understood me.

The one boy in this group who is transgender I'll call him A. I started having a huge crush on A but he had a crush on my best friend. I told my best friend that if I had to choose between her and this boy I would choose her because she's my best friend. But I couldn't help feel sick evertime he talked about her.

I told him when I first met him I thought he was really cute and he said he thought I was cute. Then he said he thought me and my best friend were dating cause that's just how close we are. I said we arnt and he said that's good because my best friend is his type and yah....

Another thing that was going on at this time was my parents. My one mom seems to be sad/mad all the time and my other mom is obsessed with my grades and pass testing and my family members being in the hospital and it's just a mess with me feeling like I'm a mistake that was never supposed to be there.

On top of this. I have my main group of friends. Only one of them trully gets me. She's the best friend who my crush likes. She listens to my problems and she dosnt care that I'm adopted or my nationality that's why I would choose her over him.

There's such a stereotype over Hispanic girls. They can salsa dance there laid back and chill evey one likes them.. But that's just not true for me.
Iv prayed before that I could just live a normal life.
The truth is yes I'm Hispanic. I like bands like 21 pilots and panic at the disco and muscials I like black and I don't like to speak the Spanish that I do know.

But at school I pretend to like makeup  and Spanish music and everything I'm supposed to like so people will like me.
Even with my main group of friends. Only about 2 of my best best friends know the real me.

Iv always Kinda felt on the outside of things. In dance I'm always in the back and I'm never in the spotlight. I mentioned to all of my friends I wanted to cut my hair really really short and they all said I would look ugly or I shouldn't do it except for 2 people. My crush and my best friend.

All of this going on led me to crying at night. At one point I tried to stop eating and I couldn't keep it up for that long because I love food and always will.

So I started something else. I used my mom's sharp crafting scissors and did it once on my thigh so people wouldnt see. I started doing it more and more and now my whole thigh is covered in cuts. It looks terrible and I know what I'm doing is wrong.

Before I started cutting my thighs my mom bought me alot of shorts and I new if I didn't were them soon she would be suspicious and integrate me so I wore them and I had to pull my shorts down all day because I was so afraid someone would see.

But I can't stop.. for the 2 seconds of pain I feel when I do it I forget about all of my worries.

I told one of my very good friends and she said to get this app called calm harm. It acaully helps and I'm so thankful for her.

I'm only a teenager Iv heard of people doing this and now that I'm doing it i understand how trully hard it is to stop.

I don't know what the point of writing this is but writing and drawing are just good ways for me to tell people my problems without actually telling them if that makes sence.

Looking at all I have written I don't have the worst of lives. My mom's arnt abusive my mom's don't fight that often and i have food and home and clothes on my back and yah I'm kinda lucky in a way because my mom is very supportive of people who are gay or trans or anything  because shes with a women so when i told her im pansexual it was a walk in the park and I'm lucky in a way for that, the thing is when your struggling with soemthing like anxity and depression all the things that are happy in your life become blurred by everything else that's going on..

I feel so fake. At school I try to be the funny cool girl and put on a smile and it seems that whatever i do I just can't shake myself out of this mess I got myself into..

I tried so hard to be this happy healthy teenager and try my best to inspire others but the reality was it was so fake  ... I hated myself when I was making those posts and I'm sorry for that 

I know my problems are so pitiful compared to cancer and kidnapping and other things teens go through but this is me and it's important to me.... sorry if I waisted your time but I needed to write this.

~Isabella.

Edit: I didn't post this because I forgot and I haven't cut since I got the app so I'm doing better.