Fix You

Chapter 9

February 4, 2016

[Mandi]

It is Thursday night and I am getting ready to sing. I'm singing the song She Used to Be Mine from Waitress the musical. I chose this song this week because it's how I'm feeling. I just want the girl that I used to be back.

It's not simple to say

That most days

I don't recognize me

That these shoes and this apron

That place in it's patrons

Have taken more than I gave them

It's not easy to know

I'm not anything

Like I used to be although it's true

I was never attention's sweet center

But I still remember that girl

She's imperfect, but she tries

She is good, but she lies

She is hard on herself

She is broken and won't ask for help

She is messy, but she's kind

She is lonely, most of the time

She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie

She is gone, but she used to mine

[Harry]

Mandi's performance tonight makes me want to cry if I'm being honest. She is putting so much emotion into it and you can tell that she truly means every word of the song. I can tell that she is starting to cry, I can see it on her face. The song ends and she gets off stage. She walks over to where Jessie, Maci, Gemma and I are standing. "You brought me to tears." Maci says and Jessie says, "That was absolutely beautiful." "Thank you." Mandi says and Maci asks, "So where is Brendan?" "Oh he texted me last minute he got stuck at work." She answers. "You did a great job Mandi, you've got some pipes." Gemma says and Mandi smiles and says, "Thank you." "You did amazing as always." I add and she thanks me too. We don't go out or anything tonight we just go straight home which is great because I'm exhausted. I didn't sleep well last night and I don't know why. I'm hoping that I can sleep better tonight.

****

[Mandi]

I wake up and look at the date on my phone. I almost break down right then. She would have been 19 today. I don't know if I can even get out of bed. I don't know if I can get up today. "Mandi, you have to be at work in 40 minutes." Maci says and I say, "I don't know if I can go today." "Just because it's Megan's birthday doesn't mean that you can blow off work. Trust me I didn't particularly want to get up today either but then I remembered that Megan would want us to live our lives." She says and I say, "Okay, I'll get up." She leaves and I get ready. I get to work and probably look like shit. I just threw my hair in a messy bun and put on just mascara. I have on skinny jeans and a PINK sweatshirt. I get to work and put on my apron. Today is going to be a long day.

****

It is now almost 3 and Gemma got here at noon. Harry got here a little bit ago and got some tea and food. No matter how hard Gemma tries she can't get me to smile today. I hear the bell at the door ring and turn my head. I see Brendan, this is the first time he's visited me at work. I don't know why but I'm not really feeling anything with him anymore the first week was pretty good but there isn't really anything there. We don't have that much in common. "Hi Mandi." He says and I say, "Hey." my voice almost mute, I start to walk away from him. "Are you okay?" He asks grabbing my arm to stop me from walking away.

*flashback*

"Mandi, listen to me!" Ethan yells as I walk into the kitchen. "You need to talk to me first before you go out." His voice sounds like venom. "Why, you don't own me. I'm not your property." I say trying to be intimidating. He grabs my arm and pushes me against the wall. His face inches from mine. "Don't use that tone with me. Mandi, I warned you last time." He says squeezing my arm, cutting off the circulation. I feel his knee connect with my stomach and I fall to the floor.

*flashback*

"Let go of me!" I yell and he immediately let's go of my arm. Everyone is looking at us now. I lock eyes with Harry and run outside. I start crying. Could today get any worse? I hear the back door and turn my head. I see Harry looking at me with worried eyes. "Are you okay?" He says as he walks toward me. "No." I say and he wraps his arms around me. He just holds me and says, "What happened back there?" "I had a flashback to a bad night with Ethan." I answer and he says, "Mandi I'm so sorry." "I was stupid for thinking that I could do this." I say thinking about how I could have just stayed in bed and avoided all of this. "Harry, I used to be a different girl. I didn't care what other people thought. I wasn't afraid of being hurt. I wasn't afraid of loving. I wasn't afraid to let someone in. I was happy. I wasn't broken." I say as the tears flow freely from my eyes. "That's the thing Mandi. I don't think you're broken. You can be put back together. Let me help you." He says, his voice shaky like he's about to cry. "Harry, I don't know if anyone can help me." I say and he says, "At least let me try."