Heartbreak Girl // A.F.I

12

Kelsey's POV // San Jose, California

I've been out on the road with the boys for weeks now and while it's been great, it's been a little different than I expected. A lot of the time when we get somewhere, they have to get to their promo work at radio stations or be recording songs for their album that's being released next year. While I enjoy coming along for those things, sometimes I think it wouldn't make a difference if I wasn't here. I never expected to be the center of Ashton's attention by any means, but I really can see how life on the road can be lonely when you're not in the acts that are performing. I have had the pleasure of getting to know some of their management team and crew members really well, though, which has been nice. Sometimes their content manager lets me help out with video footage, which has been incredibly cool, and so has One Direction's. They seem interested in getting to know me as a person, and not just as "Ashton's girlfriend" which has been pretty cool.

I can't say the same for the boys' fans, though. Though while nearly all of them are respectful in person when they approach me, some of them are downright cruel online, probably out of pure jealousy. Attacking my character or anything they can possibly spin to paint me as a bad person. That's the stuff that just makes me really upset. I've been trying to stay off of my social media but sometimes it's just difficult to sit there knowing people are constantly trying to attack your character for simply being in a relationship with their idol. I really try not to bother any of the boys with it, especially Ashton, because he would feel especially guilty about it, though he has not done anything wrong. Sometimes, though, I think they can tell it's taking its toll on my mental health. Not that that's the only thing that has contributed to my anxiety, but it definitely has made it harder for me to be calm. I truly can't imagine having people write these things about you online when you're actually the one who is famous. What really breaks me, though, is that he never asks what's wrong anymore. He doesn't even notice.

I do admire Ashton's dedication to their fans. There are a lot of very nice, supportive fans out there that truly care about the boys and the people around them, like me. It really makes me happy that they have so many wonderful people rallying behind them. The love he has for them is almost unmatched. He has so much love to give, always, even if it takes its toll on him, too. He loves so deeply and so much. That's why it breaks my heart when I read things about him coming from non-fans that are downright mean. I am really worried about when I have to be away from him, though. As much as I've struggled with it all, he has it worse, being the famous one, and because he takes all of them so personally. I've had to help him get through some really, really tough days, but he's holding back. Though I am so so willing and happy to be that person for him, I am so worried about what's going to happen when I'm not easily accessible and back at Yale in a few weeks. Knowing his past mental health struggles, I am so worried about him. He will talk to the boys about these things, I know he does, but I don't think he talks about it as openly or in-depth as he does to me. But at the same time, I don't even think he is telling me everything that's going on in his head. He will always gets really defensive when I try to figure out what's going on and has kind of lashed out a few times, which has made me feel worse.

He always apologizes after he does it, but it still doesn't make me feel good. I don't want to make this about me at all, but that is really getting on my nerves. All I'm trying to do is help him and he seems to be trying to push me further and further away. I've never felt upset with him for this long since we've been friends, and it's really scaring me. I've brought it up a few times, and he's frankly disregarded and brushed off my feelings when I've done so. I've felt like our relationship has remained good, but there are some underlying tensions that were never there before. I've never loved somebody as much as I love him, and it's making me really, really scared that I'm going to get to a point where I simply don't love him because of all of this.