365

24 - On failure

This entry is dedicated to my little one. 

The national university entrance exam is generally considered the biggest challenge facing young people in my country. As the name implies, this exam is held across the nation. Its result determines whether you can join a university, which is generally considered the easiest path to a well off life in my country. For young men, failing to attend a university also means being forced to join the military. It is not impossible, but very hard to return to studying and have an easy life afterwards. Therefore, the stake is high. 

In this challenging exam, students are tested on three courses. The combination of courses varies depending on the field of study that you want to pursue. Combination A, comprising maths, chemistry, and physics, allows you to study most engineering fields and non-biology science fields. Combination B, consisting of maths, chemistry, biology, allows you to study medicine and most fields involving chemistry and biology. Combination C, comprising maths, literature, and English, opens opportunities in social science, laws, and business. Students can attend multiple exams. The catch is that student has to pick only one university of interest for each combination, so if you manage to score 24, but the university that you applied for requires 25, you are not eligible for slightly less prestigious universities that demand only 24 or less. You have to reapply to a different university for a reassessment round, and pray that there are still available spot. It is not rare for a good student to choose wrong venues and end up in the army. 

The content of entrance exams is much more advanced comparing to high school exams. For instance, answering a multiple choice question in a physics exam sometimes requires half a page of calculations. Not only you are required to solve them accurately, you are also required to do it very quickly. Because of very particular skills required by this exam, high school education is not very helpful. Students need to rely on special training centres that drill into their skulls the necessary skills and shortcuts. The training can start from as early as the beginning of year 11. 

Why do I bore you with all of this details?

Because I failed this exam. 

I am gifted with a functional brain, and strict parents who value education over anything else. Therefore, I mostly did great in school and generally surpassed my peers without much difficulty. Pretending to be humble, I usually said that I was simply very lucky in exams. Over time, I grew to believe in what I say. By the time I prepared for the entrance exam, I was not doing well with maths and chemistries, and was only acceptable with physics. Instead of recognising that I had problems and trying to fix them, I turned a blind eye, believing that my luck would help me through in the end. 

It couldn't. 

I still remember the feeling of looking at the long question sheet of the maths exam and, for the first time in my life, trying to find at least something that I can solve completely. It was worse with chemistry. Physics was the only one that I managed to do pretty well. For the first time in my life, I pray for scoring above 5 instead of reaching for a 10. 

One month later, the result returned. I scored 19.5/30. 
The prestigious university that I applied requires 25/30.

I still remember that night, when I received my result. For the first time ever, I broke down into a crying mess, telling my parents how useless and arrogant I was, and how much I disappointed them. For weeks, I hid in my room, avoided to meet anyone due to my shameful failure. 

But strangely, my life did not end that night like what I imagined. On the second application, I was accepted by my university, which was still very young at that time. That failure placed me on a different path that took me to the stage as the valedictorian four years later, and then took me all the way to a different continent, so that I can be here and write these lines for you.

So, my little one; if you are in pain, if you want to cry, then do it. Kick, scream, throw a tandrum, cry your eyes out. Release it. Then, sleep very well, and tomorrow, when you wake up, you are a new person. A failure does not undermine who you are nor reject your skills and talents.

Because just like a true love, rejection sometimes can only intensify your fire.