Chim - Don't Help Me

Chapter 9

"Is it really?" She whispers, her voice craking the silence that loomed.

"It doesn't feel like I deserve to be protected."

"Why? Cheryl, tell me why."

She is silent,

"Cheryl, please. I can't do this..."

"I can't do this, Kimba, I can't. All you've ever done is protect us, and I don't even have the balls to get out from underneath a bed. I don't have the balls to tell people not to shove me around anymore, I don't even have the strength to see me own family right now, and I don't have the strength to face what has happened to me life. It's like, if I say it, acknowledge it, it makes it all real."

"So don't say it, not yet. I don't need to know everything about you to know that you are a good person Cheryl. The fact that you are upset that you couldn't protect me, a person you've only known for a couple of days, shows me that. That is something you can't deny, no matter how much you think you don't deserve anything. I can see it, in your eyes."

Her breath catches in her throat as she wraps one arm around the back of my neck.

"How can you say that Kimba? Me eyes are dead, I've seen meself in your mirror, I'm not meself and I don't think I ever will be again. Other people have been through worse shit than I have and they haven't tried to throw themselves over a bridge now have they Kimberley?"

I silence her by placing my index finger over her lips.

"You weren't going to do it."

"I-"

"Let me finish, I could see it, you weren't going to do it. That is what is real, everything else that you can't say is real too, but reality can only mend itself if you make it. Nothing can stop what happened to you from being real, but you can save your reality, Cheryl."

She sighs, moving her hand away from my neck and playing with the wood panels on the bottom of the bed. Running her bruised finger across every rung, debating with herself.

(Cheryl's POV)

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this Cheryl, but I'm afraid I have some bad news." There it is again, the opening line that has broken me heart a million times over before. This time it is different, however, I'm not married, it isn't about me husband's infedelity, and it isn't me manager, Hilary. She had already put me through to me mam on another line,

"Wh-No, no, no, I was there, just a month ago, this can't be, I, how?"

My mam, on the other end of the phone is sobbing out details to me, but I don't believe it. It can't be.

"But, I was there mam, no, just, no."

"Cheryl dear, I'm afraid it is true, I-" She had lost it, she never, ever, flaps.

"Save it. This is me fault isn't it? He's gone and it's all me fucking fault. I'm gettin a plane back over mam."

All I can manage to remember from then onwards was crying, crying, holding it together for the press, then crying again on the plane. Then going to see Ashley. I needed someone to talk to, I thought he's be there for us, I was always there for him no matter how much he hurt us. I promised that when I married him.

"I don't remember myself Kimba, I just know I got news that would change me life one day, when I was in the States, and then I came here, saw Ashley...and you."

"Can you tell me what the news was? Is?"

I want to, but I haven't dealt with it meself yet. I don't answer her, but I place me hand on the back of her neck again and shake me head.

She lets out a long breath of air.

"You can tell me no all you want Cheryl, but I know that you need to tell me."

"I know that too. Kimba, I just remembered something, me phone."

I believe she lets out a little giggle,

"Right, yeah. Are you calling your mam?"

"What? How did you-"

"I'm not stupid you know."

"Yeah, course I know. Just how?"

"Whatever happened is partly your family business Cheryl, everyone knows how close you are to your mam."

It's true, me relationship with me mam was well publicised.

"I thought people would have forgotten. Ya know, with me bein out of the limelight for a bit."

"Cheryl, you are one of the most famous people in the UK, you can't just disappear and expect people to forget about you."

"Yeah, funny isn't it? How much I wanted people to recognize me when I was growin up, and how much I wish I could hide now. Ironic."

"Life is ironic, Chez."

"You know in a way I feel that I'm hiding now? Not just from the press, but from life. Being here right now is the most connected, yet disconnected I have ever felt, all at once."

"I don't understand..."

"You don't need to Kimba, nobody understands."

(Kimberley's POV)

"...nobody understands."

"Then help me, help me understand." She gulps, plucking up courage,

"I feel like I'm disconnected to the outside world, which is good and bad. But I also feel more connected than ever when I'm, here...with you." I smile, and she continues.

"I want to feel connected again, not to the painful stuff, but I just don't want to feel numb anymore."

She lets out a shaky breath and strares at me, her thumb lightly stroking the back of my neck.

"I guess what I wanted to say is," She pulls me closer, and for the briefest of moments her lips press against mine. Sending a short burst of electricity through me, she pulls away and looks sincerely into my eyes again.

"Thank you."