EXT. SCOTLAND
Meanwhile, PURPAUL BETTANY and ELIZABETH OLSEN have been taking time away from superheroing to BONE and re-enact various HUGH GRANT ROMCOMS.
ELIZABETH OLSEN
Ah, it’s nice to get a quiet drama scene and take a breather from the frenetic-
HAHA AS IF!! JOSH’S MINIONS ATTACK!
CGI CARRIE COON
Bwah ha, I am Plaxico Midwife and this is Curvy Glove! I look like Senua from Hellblade, but with horns instead of a headband!
CGI MICHAEL JAMES SHAW
Whereas I am identical to Styx, from the stealth/action video game series of the same name! Look the art department are only human, there's only so many hours in the day to design shit.
They STAB PURPAUL and nearly kill ELIZABETH but then who should appear but CHRIS EVANS, SCARLETT JOHANSSON, and ANTHONY MACKIE!
CHRIS EVANS
You may have made quick work of this killbot and sorceress and their undefined godlike powers, but let's see how you handle three human fighters armed with steroids, a jetpack, and a vagina!
ANTHONY MACKIE
(flying)
PLUS I HAVE REGULAR HUMAN GUNS
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Wait, whatever happened to my wrist-zappers? Oh fuck it.
They WAIL on the JOSH MINIONS and SCARLETT delivers a major STAB WOUND to CGI MICHAEL! Facing defeat, the MINIONS summon their drop-ships full of rampaging beast aliens teleport away.
CHRIS EVANS
Well they escaped. But here I am, ready to kick epic amounts of ass and have serious conflict and character growth, as usual!
(heroic pose)
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
You know this isn’t a Captain America movie, right? It’s an Avengers movie.
CHRIS EVANS
Oh. Damn. Well then I guess here I am to just sort of hang around and fill out the action scenes a bit, as usual!
(heroic pose)
EXT. BENNY DEL WEIRDO'S EASTER EGG EMPORIUM
PRATT, ZOE, DAVE, and POM arrive and find JOSH SWOLLEN, and ZOE IMMEDIATELY FUCKING KILLS HIM HOLY FUCK well of course it's a trick. Instead JOSH insta-kills DAVE and POM, and grabs ZOE!
CHRIS PRATT
NOOOO! Let her go or I shoot dammit! Argh, the horrible unthinkable scenario we came up with ten minutes ago has come to pass!
JOSH SWOLLEN
Dude I'm like five times her size, if you can't hit me from three feet away you're just fucking incompetent.
JOSH turns PRATT'S GUN into a BUBBLE GUN and then teleports away with ZOE, having messed with PRATT'S head just to be a DICK.
DAVE BLUETISTA
(recovering)
Phew! Luckily my getting turned into Lego blocks was a through-and-through, I'm fine now.
POM KLEMONTIEFF
(recovering)
And I'm un-spaghettified! So was that, like, an illusion? It only LOOKED like we'd been horribly murdered, to ourselves?? Or was that reality, in which case how the fuck did we survive?
