INT. ALIEN DONUT SHIP
ROBERT and GOOD TOM enact a sneaky plan to save CUMBERBATCH from EVIL TOM.
CGI TOM VAUGHAN-LAWLOR
Not so fast! I’ve demonstrated such power and ruthlessness so far that it will surely require an epic showdown to finally defeat-
(fired into space)
AW FUCK, IF ONLY A PERSON WITH TELEKINETIC POWERS COULD PROPEL HIMSELF BACK ONTO HIS SPACESHIP SOMEHOW
CARRIE FISHER
(facepalms)
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Well that sure was a plan that only your movie trivia brain could have devised, and my genius scientist engineering brain never could have. Spidey-Tom, you’re an Avenger now. Here’s your robo-suit.
TOM HOLLAND
I see. So that’s my character arc from Homecoming fucked right to shit, then. Cool.
EXT. TITAN
ROBERT, SPIDEY-TOM, and CUMBERBATCH crash-land on JOSH'S HOME PLANET of TITAN. Then suddenly PRATT, DAVE, and POM show up, having gotten a space voicemail from MECHAREN GILLAN!
CHRIS PRATT
Hey, you know how the Avengers movies always find some excuse to have the heroes fight each other? Well this seems like as good a time as any!
(fights)
SPIDEY-TOM
Wait guys, we’re on your side! We’re the Avengers, heroes of Earth, here to stop Josh!!
CHRIS PRATT
Oh, okay. Note that I’m showing not the slightest bit of surprise upon finding out that my home planet now apparently contains spider-people, guys in flying robot armor, and actual goddamn WIZARDS. So what's the plan?
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
I just looked into our possible futures. There's 14,000,605 futures where we lose and 1 future where we win.
CHRIS PRATT
Okay... so you're going to tell us what happens in that one winning future right? So we can all do that?
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
I think it's best if only I know. So sue me, I wanted to have some value in this movie beyond MacGuffin Storage Device.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Dude!! If there's only one precise path to victory amongst millions, then each and every one of our smallest decisions is critical! Fucking share already!
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
(whistles)
TOM HOLLAND
Right, fuck him. We're gonna need all our energy to fight Josh so I'm going to eat this protein bar I found in my suit...
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
(arches eyebrows)
(shakes head)
TOM HOLLAND
...or... NOT eat this protein bar?
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
(coughs violently)
TOM HOLLAND
Or... eat HALF this protein bar?
