INT. ASGARDIAN SHIP - THE END OF THOR RAGNAROK
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
(beaming with pride)
That was one goofy adventure, brother! We may have lost Asgard, but you and me are finally best buds and we’re finding a new home for our people and we made all kinds of wacky new friends and AW FUCK WE'RE GETTING MURDERED
(beaten to pulp)
HALF the ASGARDIANS get their NECKS FUCKING SNAPPED through SHEER TONAL WHIPLASH, as CGI JOSH BROLIN fucking WRECKS EVERYONE'S SHIT while looking all PUFFED-UP and PURPLE like a GIANT WALKING BRUISE.
JOSH SWOLLEN
I have allowed half of Asgard to live, and allowed only half the audience to realize half of Asgard survived, in keeping with my Two-Face approach to villainy. Now give me the Tesseract, Tom Hiddleston, or I kill Chris! The way I know you have it is... well, I guess for this entire movie to make any sense we’ll have to assume I can sense Infinity Stones somehow.
TOM HIDDLESTON
Ah, but... we have a Hulk! He decided not to even TRY fighting until now just so I could do that cool callback to Avengers 1.
HULK RUFFALO charges out of nowhere and ATTACKS! But JOSH effortlessly CURBSTOMPS HULK, shrugging off HULK PUNCHES as though they were LICKS FROM A LABRADOODLE PUPPY and thus rendering half the upcoming fight scenes COMPLETELY IMPLAUSIBLE.
IDRIS ELBA
(weakly)
Argh... just enough life left... to activate the Bifrost one last time! Should I save the Tesseract, the thing we're desperate to not let Josh have? Or Chris, my best friend, King, and greatest warrior of our people? Or perhaps the utterly defeated dude I barely know? I'd say the choice is clear!!
(teleports Ruffalo to Earth)
(stabbed)
JOSH puts the MAGIC BLUE ROCK from the TESSERACT into his TACKY GOLD MET-GALA GLOVE, giving him TWO INFINITY STONES, HOLY SHIT! Oh did we mention he already got the first stone between movies?
TOM HIDDLESTON
Well this sucks ass. But I still have one final weapon at my disposal!
(smiles, winks)
(pause)
Hm that usually solves everything. Hang on.
(smiles, winks again)
(pause)
(smiles, winks WITH ALL HIS GODLY MIGHT)
JOSH SWOLLEN
Sorry Tom, but you've winked, and smiled... for the last time.
(kills Tom!!!)
(no but really)
(no no we mean it)
(would we lie about this)
(okay yes, we would, but honestly we're not)
(Tom... IS DEAD!!!)
IDRIS ELBA
Upstaging prick.
(dies)
JOSH’S MINIONS head to EARTH and JOSH fucks off to SOMEWHERE ELSE and CHRIS is left floating in SPACE.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
At least we managed to send out a distress signal. Hopefully somebody will pick it up! And if I’m insanely, ridiculously lucky, I might even be picked up by the galaxy’s foremost Josh Swollen expert.
