Marvel shorties

F*ck, marry or kill

Warning: strong language / swearing up ahead! Skip this chapter if you're not comfortable with that.

Characters: Tony Stark, Natasha Romanoff, Wanda, Clint Barton, Thor, Loki.

***
"Uhm... fuck Gaston, marry Beast and kill Lumière," Natasha said as she walked in the room.

"Really?" Wanda watched her friend in surprise. "You'd kill Lumière? He's funny!"

Natasha just shrugged and put her yoga mat in the corner. "He gets on my nerves. Besides, fucking a candle stick doesn't sound that alluring."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Tony was looking at them wide eyed, frozen half way in pouring himself a coffee. Natasha casually tipped the coffee can upright to prevent Tony from flooding the kitchen counter.

"Thank you," Tony said absentmindedly. "Care to explain why you lovely ladies are talking about killing a candle stick?"

"Not just a candle stick, Lumière," Wanda said, opening the fridge in search of a cold drink.

"No, that explains everything." Tony turned to Clint, who sat on a bar stool at the counter. "Are you gonna help me out, buddy?"

Clint looked up from the Countryside & Small stock journal magazine he was reading and shrugged. "They're playing Fuck, Marry, Kill with Disney characters."

Tony grunted. "I thought those yoga classes were meant to make you all zen and stuff, not fucked up in the head."

"Humans are obtuse," Loki huffed from his place on the couch. He was building a house from playing cards on the coffee table. Only his house looked more like a castle and the cards hovered in the air, a couple of inches above the table.

"Nonsense, brother. I like Midgardian games!" Thor said with a broad grin. He leaned over the armrest. "Can I play?"

"Allright!" Wanda said. "You have to choose who you'd fuck, marry or kill from the three names we give you."

"Seems simple enough. But aren't you supposed to wed someone first before you bed them?"

Wanda looked at Thor's innocent smile and grinned. Natasha only shook her head. "Those rules don't apply to this game, Thor," she said.

"Oh, ok." The God of Thunder watched the two women expectantly, eager to participate in the game.

"Ok. Fuck, marry or kill: Cinderella, the Little Mermaid and Snow White," Wanda offered. She and Natasha had taken a seat next to Clint on the bar stools. They were all watching the Asgardian god, curious to hear what he'd say. The room was silent, the only sound came from Tony slurping his coffee.

Thor looked thoughtful, a frown appearing on his handsome face. "Uhm..." He really seemed to be thinking hard.

"Careful, he might hurt his brain," Tony muttered softly, but Natasha motioned for him to be silent.

"Brother, I need help." Thor nudged Loki's arm, which caused the God of Mischief to knock into one of the towers of his palace of cards. A quick move of hands prevented the cards from falling on the table, they now floated slowly back on the stack.

"What?!" Loki hissed at his big brother, annoyed that he was pulled into this game.

"Who do I have to fuck, marry or kill?"

"What do I care?"

"Come on, little brother. You always seem to have the best grasp on Midgardian culture from the two of us. Help me out."

Loki let out an exasperated sigh, but gave in anyway. "What are the choices?" he asked the women curtly.

"Cinderella, the Little Mermaid and Snow White," Wanda answered brightly, barely holding back a snicker.

Loki frowned when he heard the names, clearly not knowing any of them.

"Well?" Thor was looking at his brother expectantly.

The raven-haired Asgardian grunted softly and then analysed out loud. "A girl made of cinders doesn't sound that appealing, either kill her or fuck her once, with your eyes closed. A mermaid is half fish, so coïtus is out of the question. And Snow White could be a hot blonde if her name refers to her looks, maybe some sort of Lightelf. I guess that would be your best bet."

"Thanks brother!" Thor said happily, slapping his brother hard on the shoulder. He turned back to the four Avengers by the kitchen counter. "I have my answer!"

"Oh, this is gonna be good!" Tony chuckled.

Thor perched upright to give his answer. "Kill the cinder-girl. Seeing as she has already been burned, I suspect she has come back from the death. Those creatures need to stay in Hel."

"Allright, did not expect that," Tony said drily, while Clint, Natasha and Wanda held back a laugh.

"And who do you fuck or marry?" Natasha asked, composing herself.

"I would marry and then bed the Snow White girl," Thor answered brightly.

"Wait, what about The Little Mermaid?" Wanda asked. "You don't have any choices left. What are you gonna do with her?"

Thor looked at Wanda as if his choice was obvious. "I'm gonna eat her, of course. I like fish!"