The Hairy Porter and the Bed Chamber of Secrets

Scene 5 - Never miss a beat

Angus fell through the psychedelic portal until he reached its anus. Which promptly expelled him from its small orifice, dropping him to ground with a heavy thud. Angus found it a relief that the surface looked nothing like the inside of a toilet bowl. Instead the ground consisted of dry mud and autumn leaves.

As he got up, he brushed the loose leaves from his shirt and trousers. Quickly noticing his clothes were no longer wet but desert dry. Whatever that portal was, it was the also the World's best tumble dryer. Angus glanced about trying to gauge where he was. Wherever he was, he wasn't in Camden anymore. The sky was blocked by multiple thin intersecting branches from the trees planted either side of him. Freckles of sunlight filtered through the gaps in floral framework overhead providing him with ample light to view his surroundings. Perplexed, he looked at his watch, it said 2 am. Definitely way too early for sunlight. A small paved path cut through the gap in the trees, leading to God knows where. He looked at the floor around him and briefly at the trees nearby, to find his beloved EVH had disappeared. Angus checked his arms to see the tattoos had fully receded once again from view.

He clicked his boots together three times and said, "there's no place like home," while closing his eyes.

"I knew that story was total bullshit," he said as he opened his eyes and found himself exactly where had been thirty seconds ago.

Angus stood in the centre of the path. Looking left, then right. With no road signs to speak of either direction looked as good as any from his perspective. He stood absolutely still, closing his eyes and opening his ears. Silence. Pure unadulterated silence. Not even the birds sang in the sky above. If there was one thing Angus hated it was silence. He checked his pockets to find he still had his flashlight intact after the fall and the thing he was looking for, his mp3 player. After pressing the on switch the screen flashed with a battery low sign. Angus thought he'd almost been stabbed in the chest, after seeing the disappointing battery status. He reckoned he probably had about 10 minutes of play time left. Unable to decide between Metallica and Cannibal Corpse, he put his mp3 player on shuffle and hoped for the best.

More concerned about his last few songs, than the direction he would be taking, he let his legs decide for him. He trundled down the winding path, listening to 'Fade - Black heart and dollar signs', uncaring where the path would lead him, and blissfully unaware of the small green eyes which followed him through the trees.

"If I see a cowardly lion, I'm fucking eating it," he said to himself as his stomach rumbled on cue.