The Hairy Porter and the Bed Chamber of Secrets

Scene 15 - Happy Tree Friends

Their hands burst through the mounds leaving large mole hills in their wake. Each hand fell flat to the surface and pushed their attached bodies through the soil. The Zumbies crawled from their soil-based wombs and stood to face Angus. Several unhealed slashes and flesh wounds decorated their sallow skin while their hair was a wisp of its formal glory. Brian changed the rhythm of the music to something altogether different but equally annoying. It was only the Zumbies began to move in an almost Latin-style body movements did the visions flood back to him. Images of middle aged woment flailing their arms to a latino beat, convinced it was the most advanced form of exercise known to man, flooded Angus's mind.

"Zumba," he said as he remembered the name of the dance.

They all danced towards him, shaking their arms like an epileptic convention. Angus wasn't sure whether to laugh or be frightened by the whole affair. When their teeth snapped as they closed around him, he knew he should've been afraid. Angus stepped backwards until his back hit the tree behind him. The Zumbies narrowed the distance between themselves and Angus. With nowhere else to go, Angus turned round and began to climb the tree that opposed him earlier. His size twelve Doc Martin shoes managed scale the tree quite easily, so much so, that Angus found he barely had to use his upper body strength during the climb. Once he reached the top, straddled one of the tree's thicker branches and looked down below. The Zumbies didn't try to scale the tree but instead threw their bodies at it, shaking it only marginally which each collision.

"Tea?" asked a female voice.

"To be honest Alice I don't think this is really the time for a cuppa."

"Alice, I'm not an Alice, I'm Elen if you please. And there is always time for a cup of tea."

"Look I don't mean to be rude miss but—" said Angus as he turned to face her, only to be caught off guard by her considerable lack of clothing. Long, mossy coloured hair draped over her naked breasts, much to Angus' s disappointment. while a small hemp skirt hid her modesty just well enough. Angus would've thought she was some crazed wilderness hippy, but her posh accent and the expensive-looking china teapot she held in her hand made him think otherwise.

"But what?" Elen asked.

"I have a slight Zumbie situation going on down there an' no offense but I can't really stay up 'ere all my life."

Elen returned a facial expression which he knew meant 'what's wrong with living up here?'

"No offense meant, trust me. Jus' I'm meant to be collecting these instruments to prevent some massive shit storm from happening," Angus explained.

He didn't know what it was about naked women but they always seem to make him say more than what he needed to.

Elen peered back down to the base of the tree to see the Zumbies were still throwing themselves at the trunk to little effect.

"Seems to me, that you are in quite the bind. How about we make a little deal. If I help you with your primate problem, you'll promise to come back and enjoy a pot of tea with myself."

"Err deal..." Angus said slightly puzzled.

As deals went it definitely wasn't the worst deal he'd made by far, well based on the current t's and c's. But when it came to drinking tea or permanently residing in a tree, it was a no brainer as far as Angus was concerned.

"Excellent," she said, "now watch."

Elen held out her left hand which contained an assortment of peanuts before mimicking the sound of a monkey. Angus turned his head to the side when he heard the familiar rustle of the leaves to his right. His ears followed the rustling sound until it stopped just above Elen. The creature leapt from overhead onto Elen's shoulder. The little monkey grinned from behind the wooden flute that it held in its mouth. Elen removed the flute and found some place in her lower rags to conceal it.

"Hey that's mine," said Angus.

"Oh is it? Well I'll keep it safe for you until you come back. I wouldn't want you to renege on our promise."

The small monkey made a grab for the peanuts, but Elen clasped her hand tightly shut before it could even snatch one peanut.

Angus watched as she whispered something into the monkey's ear who nodded as she spoke. The monkey leapt from her shoulder and disappeared into the surrounding leaves.

Elen turned to Angus, "now we wait."