The Hairy Porter and the Bed Chamber of Secrets

Scene 10 - Eyes and Ears

"Well gotta say, don't know about you Alice, but that was pretty effing weird."

No answer came.

"Alice?" he said as he looked for her, only to see she was fast asleep, still underneath the bike.

"Bless she musta worn herself out," he said as he lifted the bike from her and putting it in his trouser pocket, before scooping up Alice and depositing her in his left breast pocket.

"Damn, " he said noticing his flashlight lay broken in pieces, "not gonna lie, I'm gonna miss you bud."

He gathered together all the pieces, keeping only the batteries, before burying them in the ground beneath.

Angus left with a heavy heart down the path to the next town.

It wasn't a long journey to the town, but without anyone to talk to Angus quickly found himself using the flashlight's batteries to fuel his mp3 player. Luckily Angus had paid an extra tenner for it to take AAA batteries, just in case. Turned out it was a worthwhile investment.

He turned to where his flashlight was buried and said, "You didn't die in vain buddy."

After putting his earpieces in he put on Adema 's Immortal and continued walking.

With music filling his body, Angus found it wasn't long until he had reached the edge of town. It was a strange place to say the least. One large cottage sat in the centre of the town with several buildings tightly packed around it. Upon further inspection, Angus realised that 90% of the surrounding buildings were escort agencies, and not the kind he liked. Too much sausage for his tastes.

Being the only cottage in the town, Angus strolled over the large rounded wooden door and rapped against its surface.

Alice stifled a yawn and stretched her arms, "where are we Mr Angus?"

Her eyes gradually focused and her face whitened as she recognised the door.

"Angus, you're an idiot. Get me away from this cottage, this instant."

"Why's that?"

"She flays the skin and grinds the bones of little people for her potions. And if you haven't quite noticed, I'm a little person. Ahhh footsteps!" she said before she ducked, peering only slightly over the edge of his pocket.

The door creaked open, revealing a huge half-naked man with oiled skin and pecs that could possibly cut glass. Angus suddenly felt very small.

"Hi I am Gunter. How can I help you?" the man said sounding remarkably like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"I'm here to see the crone. Sissa told me I would find her here."

"Crone!", yelled a thick Irish voice from within, "Gunter who's your man who be giving me cheek now?"

Gunter moved aside to let Angus fight his own battle.

"Sorry miss, I didn't mean offense," he said as he approached apologetically.

It was dark in the room, so Angus could only see a faint outline of the her body sitting in a chair. Her face was still a mystery.

"Your one, called me that, did she?"

Angus nodded.

"Ah the cheek on her. She be centuries older than me. I be an Enchantress not a crone. Anyway what's the craic?"

"She told me you could help me. She said you knew something about the seventeen instruments of destruction."

"Gunter you'll be leaving us now."