The Hairy Porter and the Bed Chamber of Secrets

Scene 13 - Always keep your wood protected

Angus awoke to the taste of grass in his mouth after subconsciously channelling his inner cow while he was sleeping.

"About time you woke up," said Alice as she threw more grass at his mouth.

"Aye, how long was I out?"

"Seven hours and anyway I'm not talking to you after what you did?"

"What did I do?"

"Somehow, that just makes it worse that you forgot."

His brain, operating about five minutes behind the rest of his body, finally supplied him with the visions of throwing Alice up into the air, "Ah that."

"Ah that indeed."

"I'm really sorry Alice, again. I thought you could fly. To be fair, you told me you could."

"Yes well that may be but I didn't expect to be thrown up into the air."

"Only because I didn't think it would be an issue."

"Grr anyway, I'll forgive you this time seeing as we had no other choice."

"Erm thanks. Why can't you fly by the way?"

"None of your business."

"Fine. Let's get a move on. I don't want to be stuck 'ere arguing all my life."

Alice didn't answer but instead crawled up onto his hand and into his pocket. Angus could hear her sulking in his pocket, but chose to ignore it before he managed to put his foot further into his mouth. He continued to follow the trail left to him by the strange eagle in the faint hope of finding one of the instruments at the end of it.

As Angus walked further, he noticed something strange. The tree life surrounding him seemed to look less like that of a forest but more the type you would expect to see in a jungle. Angus didn't have slightest what their botanical names were but he could tell the difference between a forest and a jungle. Vines dangled overheard, while the squawks and chatter of the animals became more apparent as he entered further into the dense vegetation. Angus feeling more and more on edge with each step. The sound of unknown animals brushing rapidly against the stiff leaves only served to fuel his current level of anxiety. His eyes searched for the source of the sounds, but the jungle concealed its creatures from him.

Angus's body jolted as a small furry creature landed across the base of his neck. He jerked his body into a spasm, hoping it would be enough to shake the creature from him but its small hands clung to his shirt. He considered using the banjo but wasn't sure it would be a good idea while the creature still remained so close. Realising the creature was there to stay as long as he kept his shirt on, he quickly stripped his top to the 'hot stuff' tune which played in his head and threw the garment to the ground. The creature anticipating this, crawled around Angus's back and chest, jumping into the Ann Summer's bag before taking the flute and scampering off via the nearest hanging vine. Despite catching only a glimpse of the creature before it scarpered off, he could tell it was a small monkey. Angus could hear the flute thief heckle him with laughter from the safety of the tree tops , which only served to enrage him. While he couldn't see the monkey any longer, Angus was pretty damn sure it was waving and slapping its buttocks in his direction just to spite him.

Angus hated being made a monkey of, and even more so when the instigator was a monkey. He gritted his teeth and continued to followed the path, hoping to strangle the monkey along the way.

It was about twenty minutes since the jungle robbery took place, before Angus heard the fast rhythm of what could only be described as jungle music up ahead. As Angus got closer he began to recognise the subgenre as Ragga jungle, with its putrid concoction of jungle break beats and reggae bass lines.

Angus hated ragga jungle music with a passion, even more so than acid jazz. Yet he felt his legs beginning to shake as they started to dance along to the loosely termed 'music'. His arms started to move erratically in the air like a flinching octopus. Angus noticed his body seemed to be dancing in one direction, towards the sound of the music and incidentally the path.