F.A.F // H2OVanoss [Completed]

Chapter 27

"So, how's it going? You know, with the whole bet thing going on." Tyler smiles innocently, hopping up onto the kitchen counter while Evan raids his fridge for a soda. Jonathan and the others were due to arrive at any moment. They had plans to spend the day together, like they had just a few weeks before. To call Evan nervous was a massive understatement.

Evan grits his teeth as he studies the contents of the fridge, his eyes keep flickering back to the bottle of wine that was stored there, next to it a few bottles of beer, the temptation was there, all laid out in front of him. His emotions wanted to get the best of him, but Tyler was there to stop him. Instead, Evan closes the door with a tired sigh.

"I'll be right back." He slips upstairs, into the bathroom, sliding down the back of the door, which was shut and locked. Evan breathes, eyes on the counter where a neon bottle stood, full of pills. He blinks, mulling over his options. Get over it and leave without the pills or risk getting a temporary relief by taking them. Time was ticking, he could sit there and collect his thoughts before going down, worry hidden behind the smile he would flash at everyone in the living room. Or, he could grab for the pills and rely on them for his solace, which he seemed to be doing for the past few days, relying on chemicals to make him feel better. But, in the end, weren't feelings just chemicals as well? What harm could a few more pills do?

By the time he left, there were two less pills in the bottle.

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"Evan?" Jonathan rested his head on his boyfriend's chest, relaxing on Evan's bed after they had gotten back from hanging out with the guys all day.

"Yeah babe?" Evan plays with tufts of Jonathan's hair, letting his thoughts wander as he absentmindedly smiled. This time, they were actually happy thoughts, which surprised him that his head could actually think up an ounce of joy after the things he had been thinking about lately, the feelings that had been running through his head.

"Can I ask you something?" There's brief silence. "Something that I want you to answer truthfully, no lies." Evan stops messing with his hair, a cold feeling gripping him as he waits for the question, too scared of what he was going to be asked. "It's just this thing that's been on my mind lately."

"Go for it." Evan whispers, trying to shake off the feeling as he goes back to messing with the soft brown hair of his boyfriend. "You can ask me anything. I'd never lie to you. Promise." He says, although he is prepared to lie at any moment.

Jonathan needs a moment to collect his thoughts, needs a moment to narrow in on one question he wants to ask. Evan could either dodge the question or lash out at him in anger, Jonathan didn't want to ruin the moment, but he needed to ask the question, it was eating at him. "How bad is it? Your anxiety and stuff, how bad is it?"

Evan lets the room be silent for a second, still playing with the boy's hair just so he could act natural and calm. "Not that bad," he lies "I mean, it's always there, it never leaves, but it only gets really bad sometimes, it's a rare occasion." He leans down to kiss the top of his head. "Nothing to worry about."

"Are you sure?" Jonathan is persistent in knowing the truth, feeling like there was still something Evan was hiding. "I want to make sure you're okay."

Evan wraps his arms around Jonathan's shoulders, leaning his head down so it rests on top of his. "I'm okay, Jonathan, really. I-" he paused, wondering if he really wanted to say what he was going to say. If he did, what would Jonathan think of him? Jonathan leans further into his chest, almost as if he was telling him it was fine, that he was safe with him. "I have medication."

"Do you take it?" Jonathan regretted it as soon as he said it.

"Of course." Evan no longer was relaxed, his shoulders now tensed, still resting his head on top of his.

"Then why is the bottle practically full?" Jonathan hadn't mean to say it, he hadn't meant to let Evan know that he knew, that he had seen the bottle of pills in the bathroom cabinet. Evan sat up, unwrapping his arms from Jonathan.

"How do you know that? Have you-have you been searching my house?" The emotions were back, the feelings of not being good enough. Had Jonathan seen the bottle and felt bad for him? Is that why he was there with him, because he felt like he had to? Evan knew that he had rushed into a relationship far faster than he wanted since it was still his first, but at least he felt real feelings for Jonathan. It kept becoming clear to him that Jonathan really didn't feel the same way, and it hurt more every time.

"No! Of course not! I just-when I came over, I used the restroom when you were asleep and I s-saw them." He pulls away from Evan in shame. "I'm sorry, Evan, I'm just worried about you, you know that-"

"Are you sure about that? How do I know you're not just listening to Luke-"

"Me and Luke aren't even talking to each other right now, Evan! Because I chose you over him!" Evan narrows his eyes after Jonathan raises his voice, which he also regrets. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you, I don't-"

"I'll talk to you tomorrow." Evan dismisses the boy coldly, although he really just wants to pull him back into his arms and never let him go, he wants to apologize, yet he just lets him leave silently. It tears him apart as he hears the front door close, and he just realizes how incredibly stupid he is. "All he wanted was to make sure that you're okay, you shit head." He curses himself, holding back tears as his hands begin to shake once again, emotions coming upon him strongly and quickly.

Shakily, he stands up, his natural instinct directing him to where the pills were, the pills he didn't necessarily need, the ones that had just gotten him into a fight with his boyfriends. The pills that were ruining his life, but he believed they were supposed to help him.

Evan falls to his knees as his legs give out from under him, he's breathing heavily, beginning to crawl to his desk where his phone lay. He falls to his side as a few years streak down his cheeks, still shaking and convincing himself he had ruined it. He always ruined it.

He stares up at his ceiling, silently crying as he tries to make the thoughts stop, darkness falling upon him as he tries to keep himself from crashing into the ground. His insecurities and worries flood him as he continues to shake, the edges of his vision fading from sight as he finds it harder to breathe.

It's okay. He imagines his voice. You're okay, I'm right here. It's the voice he just sent away. It's okay, Evan, just breathe. The voice isn't working, instead it's just fading away.

It's okay.

Just breathe.

You're okay.

Evan passes out on the floor of his room, the last thing he focused on was his plain white ceiling.

It had been his last thought that has sent him into the dark.

Jonathan still chose Luke first.