F.A.F // H2OVanoss [Completed]

Chapter 37

Lowkey been thinking about making an Instagram account and posting about upcoming books and like snippets and stuff like that???

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Long sleeves hid his mistakes, they hid his evil thoughts, they hid many things. They weren't even out of character for him to be wearing all year round, jackets had always been his guilty pleasure. Or, any long sleeve for that matter. No one would know what he did as long as he never pulled up his sleeves, which thankfully was not a habit of his. Besides, it was still cold outside, even if his usual habits of wearing jackets wasn't enough to convince anyone.

His bandages were wrapped tightly around his arm, and he questioned himself if he was cutting off his circulation all throughout the day. If he was, he couldn't risk fixing it and letting people find out, his mind was like a minefield that way. He'd rather hurt himself and risk permanent damage rather than let someone know he needed help.

Evan didn't want help, because that meant letting people in, and the people he let in always hurt him. Without fail.

He had let Jonathan in, now his heart worked in shattered pieces, he had let Tyler in, now his arm was wrapped in bandages and he was scared to be around anyone. His anxiety spiked constantly and he no longer had as much control as he once had, if he ever had any control. Depression pressed on his shoulders more and more with each growing day. Nothing was ever quiet anymore, he realized, not after winter break, he no longer had a quiet place. Thoughts no longer settled and let him rest for even a single moment, instead they swirled and slowed and speeded through his mind, hurling themselves at him constantly. He wanted it to be quiet, but it would never be quiet, never again.

Underneath his sleeve, his arm stung with every small movement, he forced himself not to flinch, continuing to work on his class assignment. He bit at his lip, brows furrowing as he couldn't remember the particular math formula. It should have been easy, it was a simple one to remember, but he couldn't. His mind attacked him once more, his wrist throbbed as his eyes stayed focused on the page, his right hand gripping the pencil and hovering over the paper.

Nothing came to mind, he drew a blank, even as he flicked his head to his notebook, searching for the formula but his head couldn't filter it out. All he could think about was the way his blood had been pooled on the floor when he woke up and had to bandage his self-inflicted wounds. It sounded random, but all his notes had been written in red pen and it took him to his bad place, his memories and thoughts. His eyes darted over to the clock, his heart sinking at the realization that he still had half an hour left in class, half an hour left of school before he could go home.

Evan wanted to go home, not because he felt safe there because sure as hell did not. He wanted to go home because if it wasn't a safe space it was familiar and comfortable, at home he could hide away from the world, whereas at school everyone watched him, eyes constantly wanting to see what was up with him. If he could go back in time and change things, he would, he would beg his mom to move to another house, beg her to change his school because maybe he would have never known that Jonathan existed. If he had never known he existed then maybe life would be easier, maybe he wouldn't have had to live his miserable life for this long. Maybe he had never met Tyler, or his friends, or anyone who he cared about even the smallest amount. Maybe he had never met Ash.

Maybe, he would be dead.

Being dead was always a great option in Evan's head, death was not discriminatory in who brought it up, it could either be anxiety, with its constant torment of how death could grab you at any moment, or depression, who placed death on a pedestal of honor it seemed. Either way, death would always be presented as an option, and Evan always wanted to reach for it, truly believing that it held the secret to perfection, the secret to silence. The secret to making his thoughts stop moving and to finally let it be quiet, Evan liked the quiet.