Recovering

Little Wins

     Today I made a big step in the right direction. I went through all of the books in my bookcase and have decided to get rid of quite a few. There is a reason behind this decision. Sometime when I get depressed or I feel fat and want to start restricting my calories I'll read certain books that I own in order to trigger me or help give me motivation. Today I said enough is enough I don't want to be sad anymore, I want to have a normal relationship with food. So I am removing objects that are not going to help me move forward. Also I have lots of stuff in my room just like everyone else but I want to start taking some first steps toward living minimally. I want to get rid of things that I have been holding on to for years that I may not even really like.

     I am so extremely proud of myself today I have really started to make a change in my life. But that's not all folks. I have a Tumblr account that has never been positive in my life and I am going to delete it tonight. I don't need that negativity in my life. I don't need those triggers or "motivation". I know if I want to make progress and start moving forward and become who I want to be I need to get rid of all of this negativity in my life. The crazy thing is I never realized how much there was. It's in my books, music, social media, and of course my brain. There are other things that in itself are not negative but because of my state of mind they are bringing me down, for instance my closet filled with clothes that are size small to size XXL. I know I need to go through my closet and get rid of clothes that are too big and clothes that even if I did get down to that size would never wear.

     I've started to focus on myself today and it's already changed my life so much. I tried to smile more at work and really mean it and even though it was so slow tonight I tried not to complain. I usually don't allow myself to stop and enjoy things. I am always so worried about what other people will think or I just don't stop to take in my surroundings. I know this doesn't sound like much but it was a little win for me. While I was driving home I rolled down the windows and blasted my music. It was amazing having the wind go through my hair. I took the time to enjoy do something I wanted even though it was so small but it really did make me happy. Why don't I allow myself to have these small experiences that would make me happy? Why wont I let myself be happy? Why wont I let myself do things that I want to do? These are important questions that I really need to ponder.