The Trouble Is

Chapter 53: Challenges

Sometimes you think you know where your challenges reside. You think you know the rich, dark soil that contains them. You even find yourself watering that soil some days—feeding the beast. You work hard trying to contain your future response to these things, regardless of how they resolve.

Imagine you're dating the high school quarterback. You know that he could date any other girl on the planet, and you have no idea why he's being seen with you. So you play it cool. You are always on the ready for the kiss-off, the short goodbye, the "let's just be friends" speech. In your heart, you know that you can handle it. If you couldn't, you never would have gone out with him. You know the deal.

And for some, it's that summer spent learning to play the guitar. You have daydreams of coffee houses and indie songs and invest in some hipster glasses and flowy clothes. But part of you knows that it's never meant to be. You manage to learn a few songs, but it's just not a true burning desire. It doesn't even hurt when you realize that the guitar's buried in the closet under a year's worth of discarded clothes.

But this, this thing that I have today, it was never something that I even considered. I never imagined I would have to be ready with a goodbye, much less one as public as this. I've been preparing for my mother's death for more than a year now. Some part of me knew that I had to be ready just in case. So I steeled myself. I read the books on the stages of grief. I skimmed terribly depressing poetry. I read books where people died, grieved, and found a way to move on. I thought I was ready. I think I wasready for that. But I was definitely not ready for this. I never prepared to say goodbye to Katie.

There isn't always a why, I guess. There isn't always a complete list. Life is messy, and no amount of organizing it or numbering it will change that fact.