ozone 》TWICE

aware

YOO JEONGYEON'S P.O.V.
****
We're all a mess. It's natural, I suppose, with eight Zodiacs living together. Through struggles, we find comfort in different people. And feelings are supposed to grow because if they don't, your story is wrong. Feelings grow because you find that whichever person you find comfort in will be your home. Even if the place you're in doesn't feel like home, that person does.

In my case, I think my home consists of two people. When I kiss Jihyo, I feel so many things that make me happy again. And I care about her so much that it pains me when she comes home late at night with red, swollen eyes, and tear stained cheeks because of something Jinyoung said. Jihyo isn't the type to cry in front of us. I know that she's supposed to seem strong, but surely allowing us to see her vulnerable side would help the others understand her. But it's not like they don't.

When I look at Nayeon, there's this tight feeling in my chest that makes me want to envelop her and keep her safe from the world. And when she looks back at me, or I catch her staring, my heart leaps into my throat and I want nothing more than to give her only the purest side of the world. Jihyo and Nayeon are different from the others. Momo is my little sister, fuck blood, and I understand that what I feel for her is love. But I love Jihyo and Nayeon differently. More than I thought was humanly possible.

Allowing myself to trust anyone here was a big step for me, and yet Jihyo seemed to break down my walls within a week. That should have been a huge sign for me that I was screwed. And when I held Nayeon in the bathroom at night because she didn't want to wake anyone up, I should have known I was fucked for life.

And then there's the time that I was struggling with the water in the shower, so Nayeon helped wash my hair (which, thankfully, the blue is almost completely faded, thanks to Sana and her cheap hair dye). I was still uncomfortable to let her touch me in any other way though, but she understood. So she'd stand outside of the shower and comfort me so that I wouldn't think too much and make the water rush out too quickly, have it all gather above my hands, or carry me away.

Finally, when Jihyo blindfolded me and taught me that vulnerability isn't weakness. Or when she took me onto the roof that one night a couple of weeks ago, and couldn't stop kissing me and laughing because she was genuinely happy. All of these times, I should have known. But loving two people is selfish. I should allow Nayeon and Jihyo to find happiness in one another, and they do with the way they look at each other, but I can't. I've always been selfish when it comes to myself. Giving myself away for Momo, Mina, or Sana was different. I'd still do it without a second thought but Nayeon and Jihyo... I want them. I want both of them. With both of them, I'm calmer, and I don't stress over the fact that, yes, I have fucking powers, and I could probably hurt someone with them. 

Feelings are supposed to grow because when I look at Jihyo, she becomes one half of the world to me. And when I look at Nayeon, she becomes the other half of that world. Together they make one beautiful world that I wouldn't be afraid to lose myself in. In fact, I'd let myself fall from the sky in that world just so that I could experience every single little detail about it. I've become more aware.

Relationships aren't something I should want, or need. But the term provides a more solid ground for me. I can't wish that Nayeon or Jihyo love me, but I hope that they do. And if they won't accept me, that would be fine I think. Their happiness is more of a priority to me than my own.

And really, I hate myself, and I don't think I should allow myself to be happy with them, but Jihyo's kind words are too much for the part of myself that wants me to mutilate myself, change every single flaw about myself until I'm perfect enough for myself. But perfection won't ever come to me. I am a mess on two legs filled with anger, desperation, and... Sadness. I won't say depression. I don't know what the fuck that feels like.

That's another thing about myself that I don't like. My mind wants me to go and say that I'm hurting, but I'm not. I'm fine, and I shouldn't think like that because I don't know how Dahyun feels, or how Mina, or Momo feel. I don't understand how Sana felt that one year when she couldn't cope with the fact that one day she wouldn't be able to see her parents freely. And I never will. 

Awareness is something I thought I always had. Up until I allowed myself to melt in front of Jihyo, and I opened my arms up to Nayeon. And when Momo came crying to me yesterday night because she thinks she ruined things with Mina and Dahyun, and even when Sana finally let herself crumble because she believes she's broken. All of this has made me more aware of myself and my surroundings.

JYPE isn't a bad place, but I don't like Jinyoung. There's something not right about him. Since we've arrived and matured (minus Sana. She's the only one left), he's changed with Jihyo, treating her like some low employee he just hired. I know that Jihyo has lived and worked with him since she was just a little girl, so he shouldn't treat her like that. It serves to make me angry, and any time I have a training session with him, I lose my temper. Most often he calls Jihyo to show up and "control" me, but I don't need to be controlled. Jinyoung does. I don't care if he buys poorly treated Zodiacs from different companies, or he takes us in from all the bad, he himself is bad in my eyes.

I tighten my hands into fists, resting them on my temples. Too much thinking.

The thinking comes from a voice in my head, and that voice constantly wants Nayeon and Jihyo, always screaming for them. And of course, I'm worried about the other girls who have matured and are still taking things hard, but my mind can't focus too well when I think about them. There isn't much that I can do other than comfort them, and I'm not very good at that. Or not as good as I'd like to think I am. I want to help Momo, and whatever issue she has with Mina and Dahyun, but I'm not even in the proper state to help myself right now.

Cigarettes are terrible in every possible way. And still, I try sneaking one out to the roof when I think Jihyo isn't out there. They taste terrible, and I cough way too much, but I don't think when I'm able to smoke. Not until afterwards when I get mad at myself because that's the only way I can cope. I shouldn't have to cope with anything.

I shouldn't be able to control fucking water, and I shouldn't be able to be taken away from my home. I shouldn't have to come here and open up to people I've never met before, and I shouldn't have to stay. I shouldn't have been such a bitch to Momo because I couldn't accept the fact that I'm really into Jihyo. But I should have been there for all of them.

Surely I am not perfect, but that's supposed to be my role. I'm supposed to be the shoulder that the younger ones cry on, I need to be the arms that take in Mina. I need to be the one to defend Sana, I need to be the one to save Momo from Jinyoung. I need to be the one to take care of Nayeon as she figures herself out, and I need to... What do I need to do with Jihyo? I'd say protect, but she's strong. And she's capable of taking care of herself (plus eight others). Jihyo is the one I can really confide in because she's that strong. I'd like to do the same, each and every time Jinyoung upsets her.

That fucking man isn't right. He's got a twisted mind, one that makes me so sick to my stomach that I'll surely throw up anything I've eaten the day I see him. Jihyo still swears up and down that he means well, but since the beginning, nothing has been right. And there was a shift in his personality after Dahyun matured, so abrupt that all of us noticed. Sometimes I think he'll try and do something to us with his element. It's air, isn't it? Air and water don't mix well if what I learned in school was anything good.

Would that mean that I could protect the others if he did try something? Even though I'm not good at it, I'd still try. Anything for them.

We're still allowed at JYPE, though not as often as in the past. And we can't stay as long. The most logical side of me thinks that it's because of Dahyun, and that he really doesn't want to hold off training for another month, but the more emotional side of me? It calls the logical side a total fucking liar. Jinyoung doesn't trust us, and therefore believes we should be kept away. It isn't long until he locks us away with Jihyo for some newer group he brings in. Maybe it'll be that group of four that he just bought. Or does he plan to make them into his new slaves rather than his experiments?

Those four are something. There's one fire sign, Mina mentioned, and Nayeon told me about two earth signs. I ran into an air sign the other day while I was walking around JYPE with Momo. She's tall, but small. Like she doesn't eat much, and she's an Aquarius if the mark says anything. Those are rare, I think, but I won't question it. Would it be rude, I wonder? I've yet to see the fire sign, but I did catch a quick glimpse of one of the earth signs. I know that one is a Capricorn, so maybe Sana will befriend her quickly. I doubt the other one is a Virgo, and she doesn't seem like a Taurus. But who am I to make assumptions?

Jackson is an open man in every way. He's been kind to us, though I still haven't forgiven him for handcuffing me. That shit was insane. How did he expect me to protect Momo from that weird old man? Really, I'm just glad that he hasn't tried it again since. Maybe he knows better. Right, because a man who has been mature for years is gonna be afraid of a newly matured water sign. I really wish the more logical side of me would take over more.

I finally drop the cigarette by my foot, stepping on it once. I bring my hand up, forming another puddle in my hands. It's fun to play with, and if Jihyo says it counts as practice, well, that's a bonus. It's one thing to dip your hand into water in a sink, tub, or even the ocean, but it's another to actually feel it on your fingertips. It's hard to control when you don't think properly, but if you're able to keep a clear thought, it won't drift or drip. It rests exactly where you want it, forming whatever shape you demand. That could be a thing with water, I believe. Demanding, control, whatever. If you aren't the type of person to enjoy demanding, water isn't for you. It won't work out well.

My first example would be Momo; she likes being in control, but she doesn't demand things. With me, Momo isn't in control. She's weak, small, and fragile. Therefore when she tries controlling water like I do, it doesn't go as well. It's upsetting that the poor girl can barely take a shower alone without freaking out because she's terrified she'll screw something up. I can only hope that Momo will learn how to control it better. She could be a strong... What's the word? We'll say bender. God, Chaeyoung would have loved that. She's a total nerd for those things.

At some point I find myself sitting down with Nayeon in my lap on the roof, one hand in her hair and the other still playing with the water. It's warmer than it has been these past few days, and the wind isn't too strong. It looks pretty (the view in my lap is much prettier, but I won't say anything).

"I've noticed it. Everyone has." Nayeon interrupts the silence, and I pause, letting my fingers rest in her hair.

"What?"

"The way you look at Jihyo." She continues, and I stiffen. Of course everyone has noticed. I scoff, allowing the water to fall.

"I don't-"

"You look at her like she's the sun. That must make you the moon," it's a joke on her half, I recognize, but it's far from a joke on mine. It's too serious, and I feel weird. Or my stomach does. And my heart. Fuck it, I feel weird entirely.

"I don't, um, I don't look at Jihyo like that. I admire her I guess." I bite my lip, and Nayeon sits up abruptly, twisting to face me.

"Total, complete madness. You love Jihyo, don't you?"

"No? What the hell- I can't- I don't-"

"Jeong, it's fine, you know," I feel her hand on my cheek, soft and gentle, "love is natural. And I know you."

"I do." I finally swallow, closing my eyes. Nayeon is hard to lie to. Especially when she tries her best to draw you in, and make you trust her. Especially when she's someone you want to take care of and treasure.

"That's alright," she finally speaks after a long silence. "I do, too, you know."

"What?" It's my turn to sit up now, my face surely twisting into confusion. If she loves Jihyo, and I love Jihyo, and I most definitely love Nayeon- Fuck. What a terrible love triangle. I don't think Chaeyoung would be fond of this joke. It must be a joke with how unrealistic it is.

"I love Jihyo. You know, like her. Like like," Nayeon laughs. "But you deserve her, you know," And that's total, complete madness because I've been nothing but a nuissance to her. "Also you. I love you maybe."

"Me?" I chew on my inner cheek, trying not to laugh. It isn't until Nayeon huffs that I realize she's being serious. God. She's being fucking serious.

"Yeah, you. You're so wonderful and nice, and I don't have the biggest vocabulary in the world, but I'm doing my best. You and Jihyo are the sun and moon to me. And I love you both, like, a lot. And that's selfish isn't it? I should choose. And neither is probably the best choice because Jihyo definitely loves you too, so you two should end up together. That's how movies work, right?" I roll my eyes, ruffling Nayeon's hair. I feel at ease around her, so I sigh and let myself relax.

"So we're the sun and moon to you," Nayeon nods, and I smile. "Alright. If this somehow all works out... Wanna be our stars?" The look on her face is priceless, and call it cheesy, but the way the sky lights up in pink and orange behind her, she looks ethereal.

"That doesn't work," she captures her bottom lip between her teeth, her eyes shifting down to the ground. I shrug anyway.

"It can. If Jihyo allows it."

"Three people? In one relationship?"

"We'll work it out. Let time run its course right now." The river flowing through my veins has yet to calm down, but it's found a steadier rhythm to flow to, guiding my heart and mind along with it. Yeah. Maybe this can work out.
****
5.24.18