ozone 》TWICE

reminiscence

TWO WEEKS LATER
○○○○
PARK JIHYO'S P.O.V.
****
Being taken away isn't something I experienced. Jinyoung came to my parents when I was young, too young, and requested that he take me with him for both safety reasons and, apparently, his own. I wasn't afraid then because of how my parents had brought me up. They made me realize that Jinyoung's intentions were nothing but good, so I didn't fear him.

Maybe I should have.

I was thirteen when he decided to change my name, and begin covering up my mark. I became Park Jihyo rather than Park Jisoo. I went from innocent to corrupted I believe. I became someone who would run errands for Jinyoung, and help him with very little things, or speak to Jackson and get information about him and his group. It wasn't until a few months ago when Jinyoung decided to put me in charge of my own group that I had an actual job. And I was so afraid that I wouldn't do it well, and I should have been because I have never done a good job despite wanting to.

I want to go back sometimes. To when I was younger, and my parents would still come and visit me at JYPE. To when my sister would ask me to lift her into the air after I matured, and when my youngest sister would do the same once she was born. But I can't.

Maybe I should have stayed with my family until I was old enough to not be so screwed in the head. I hope that they don't miss me for their sake. I still miss them with all of my being, but I haven't been able to contact them due to Jinyoung's orders. He promises that it's for my safety, but I don't care about my own safety anymore. And Jinyoung shouldn't after what he's done, but he insists he does.

I regret coming to JYPE, but I also don't. If I stayed home until I was of age, I wouldn't be struggling as much as I am now. I wouldn't know Jinyoung as well, but most importantly, I'd be with my family for a much longer time period than eight years. But I wouldn't have met the eight other young women I've found something in. Before I messed up, I saw happiness and hope in each one of their sad, broken eyes. I felt stronger around them. I felt invincible.

Invincibility was not a good thing. I became too brave when Jeongyeon attacked Jinyoung. I know that I should have allowed him to punish her, and to make her realize that he's much stronger than Jeongyeon will ever dream of being, but my heart screamed for me to help her. And Nayeon was thrown into the mix, and suddenly any logical thought that I had was pushed away to never surface again.

Home.

I am not stupid despite my actions. I know about Dahyun and Sana, and I see how Mina looks at Momo. I notice how selfless Chaeyoung is with Tzuyu, and how Tzuyu stares at Chaeyoung with these eyes that are filled with nothing but adoration and passion. I'm happy for them. And I can relate to them.

I know that Nayeon is absolutely too deeply in love with Jeongyeon. I know that Jeongyeon would give herself and more for Nayeon. Nayeon and Jeongyeon have a home within each other, just as I had hoped would happen. I love Jeongyeon. I love Nayeon. I love both of them so much that it physically hurts to know that I messed up with them. But if they're happy without me, then I won't mind. I'd rather the both of them be happy, I'd rather all of them be happy before me. I'd rather allow Jinyoung beat me until I'm covered in livid bruises and cuts, and until I'm so weak I can hardly breathe if it would allow them to be free. If it allowed them to smile, I wouldn't care.

I hate this part of JYPE. The cold, dark, scary part where the creepy paintings follow you. I hate the rattling, the squeaking, and the eerie dripping. I hate that the hallway is narrow, and that there's only a couple of employees down here.

Twenty-seven.

I breathe in, my heart already racing. It's the right thing to do, I think. I won't get anywhere if I don't get this over with. I press my forehead into the black door, exhaling heavily. Using one hand, I reach up and slide the window open. I notice Chaeyoung first. She looks at me, smiles slowly, but her eyes darken when she glances over at a girl I don't recognize at first. She's skinnier than I last remember, and guilt begins to eat at me again. Sana's face appears in front of the window suddenly, and I jump. She smiles, too, "You're here."

"I said I'd come eventually," I say, distracting myself so that I don't begin to chew on my lip. "Do you know how much longer you'll be here?"

"No," Sana's voice drops, and it hurts me with how upset she sounds, "Jinyoung hasn't said anything to us. And Chae has been here for a shorter amount of time than we have, so she may have longer. Are you okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" There's so many reasons why I wouldn't be.

"I don't know. You look sad."

"Who isn't?" It's a rhetorical question. "Have the other girls been around to see you?"

"Dahyunnie. Momo, too. I want Mina to come, but um- Do you know about her?" The way her tone changes fills me with worry. I know that a girl from the new group Jinyoung bought gave her some foreign pills, but I had hoped that she wouldn't take them. Sana seems to read my mind, "she took them. And now she's sick, and I'm worried that they're tearing her into pieces. Momo hasn't been by in two weeks, so I don't have any updates. Have you seen her?"

"I haven't. If I go home, I'll let you know how she is." Home isn't JYPE anymore however.

"Promise?" I smile softly, entangling my pinkie finger with hers. She smiles, and then turns to look at Chaeyoung.

"You finally found some time to share Jihyo with me?" I think it may be a joke. Chaeyoung wouldn't intentionally be rude to Sana. Which, really, I don't understand why she would want to start something with Sana over me. I'm nothing. I hear rustling, and then a groggy voice, one that's so familiar that my heart clenches.

"Jihyo?" 

"I should leave," I begin, but Jeongyeon is quicker than I am. Sana and Chaeyoung step back to allow her to come closer, and her eyes are deader than I've ever seen them. They're completely lifeless, lacking any type of emotion, but they're wet, and cloudy, "get some rest."

"Why the hell are you here?" I stop myself from turning away from her.

"I wanted to see you three-"

"You wanted to see them. You couldn't care less about me." She sounds like she truly believes what she's saying, and it's slowly killing me. I take in her features the best I can through the dark, my eyes settling on a scratch across her cheek along with bruises that are painted onto her neck. I swallow.

"I care more than you think I do," I tell her, "you said that my apologies would be worthless to you, but you really believe that I hate you, don't you?" Her eyes narrow.

"I know."

"You don't know shit, Jeongyeon," I know that I should stay calm, but I can't help but allow my anger to speak for me. I don't want her thinking I intentionally hurt her. I can't have her thinking that. Jeongyeon seems taken back, "I know just about as much as you do right now though. I miss you. I miss all of you, but you're making my heart ache, Jeong. Nayeon misses you, too. She wants to get you out of there."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better? You're a liar. You're pathetic, and worthless, and I want fucking nothing to do with you. But you're always in my head, you've always been, and you won't leave, and I feel like I'm dying, Jihyo. It's all your fault. You've ruined everything." Suddenly I can't see Chaeyoung or Sana as I focus on Jeongyeon completely. I sigh deeply; what she's saying is true. I did ruin many things, and I am a liar. I'm pathetic, and worthless, and I don't deserve them. I don't deserve Nayeon and Jeongyeon.

"I know that," I wipe my eye before a tear can fall, "could you ever forgive me? If I left, I mean. Would that give you peace?"

"No. I hate you. I hate you so goddamn much that I love you. I love you, and I love your mistakes, but I hate liars. I've been lied to all of my life, Jihyo. When I came here, I knew what would happen. I knew the moment I saw you that you'd break me even more, and I hated you then. I told you I didn't though. So I'm a hypocrite," nothing can stop the heavy emotion that floods through my body, completely overwhelming me, "why did you do it?"

"Jinyoung," I admit after a long period of silence. Jeongyeon tenses, and I believe that her eyes darken. "It was for my safety." Or rather it was at first. I don't think he cares about my safety much at all now.

"But why didn't you tell us?" The way her voice breaks off as she shuts her eyes tightly only serves to worsen my guilt. "I gave myself to you."

"For your safety as well," I breathe. "If you knew about me, Jinyoung could have harmed you. But all of you know, and I can't apologize because an apology is worthless compared to how I feel. It's worthless compared to how deeply I regret it. I wish I could have told you myself, and I wish I didn't have to lie at all. He's not as perfect as I once believed."

"My safety?" Jeongyeon laughs. "My fucking safety. If he gave a shit about our apparent safety, then he wouldn't have taken us from our homes. I wouldn't be in a cell kept away from my little sister. I would be far away from you."

"You're contradicting yourself, darling," I say. Jeongyeon's eyebrows furrow.

"Stop doing that."

"Doing what?"

"Everything. Stop reading my mind, stop trying to be a good person, stop trying to seek my forgiveness. I can't give it to you, Jihyo. I can't. Do you know what the fuck I felt when you lied? When I finally figured out why you were so closed off?" I shake my head. I have an idea from both her previous words and what I know about her in general. Jeongyeon's nostrils flare, and her cheeks become flushed. I panic, but I'm able to use my mind well enough to concentrate on dissolving the door in my vision. It's only in my head, but I flinch when I notice her mark pulsing aggressively.

"You'll never know what the fuck I felt." I bite into my lip when she punches the door hard enough to surely hurt her. I almost say screw it and enter the room, but I know that it would be worse for the both of us. I finally remember the other two girls in the room as Sana pulls Jeongyeon into her arms. Chaeyoung stands by her side, a comforting hand rubbing her back. 

"I love you, Jeong." I cough, the sound radiating through the quiet hallway. Jeongyeon's eyes refocus on me as she pushes away from Sana. Tears are coating her cheeks and eyes as she pushes herself against the door.

"I hate you, Jihyo," she sobs, and I truly feel as if I'm being ripped apart. I did this to her. I ruined her, and I broke her down into pieces. I never fixed her, and I never will be able to. All I'm good for is bad. "I hate you so much," I attempt to soften my expression, more than a thousand apologies wanting to flee from my mind, "but I love you, and I want to die. I want you to leave, but I need you to stay, and it feels like all of the air is getting sucked from my lungs." My willpower has never been stronger as I smile softly at her before turning away from the door.

Home isn't the dorm either. It's a place in which I don't even live in anymore. I can't seem to stop the pity party going on in my head even when I'm in the car with Jackson. The man continuously asked if I'm alright, and if I need help, but it didn't make me feel any better. I love Jackson, I really do, but I just want Nayeon and Jeongyeon right now.

It's my first time being back at the dorm since the incident. It's quiet, just as it used to be, and at first, I believe no one is home until my eyes land on Momo. She looks tired to put it simply, the bags under her eyes oddly suiting her. It doesn't mean I like it though. I don't have as much time to speak with her no matter how badly I want to. I want to speak to all of them, and I want to explain, and help them. But time is a serious matter now, "Momo?"

"Jihyo," She replies. She looks up so quickly that I'm a bit afraid that she could have snapped her neck. "You are incredibly stupid."

"I know."

"You hurt Jeongyeon. And Sana, and Mina. You hurt all of us. I honestly hope you feel like shit, but I also want you to feel alright. I want all of us to find a way to be okay again. But not until Jeong forgives you. Welcome home, I guess." Momo finishes with a sigh, and I truly can't believe how bored she sounds. She sounds just as dead as Jeongyeon did the first few days here. Even more so now.

"I know, Momoring," I begin, "I'll try."

"Don't try. Do it." I nod, and with another (worthless) apology, I knock on the door to my old room. It takes exactly sixteen seconds before the door opens to reveal a tired, half-dressed Nayeon. She blinks slowly. On the last blink, her eyes widen suddenly, and she immediately presses herself into me, her arms tight around my waist.

"You're back," she mumbles into my shirt. I smile, resting my hand in her hair. It's a complete mess, so I make a silent promise in the back of my head to brush it later. "God, I missed you."

"I missed you too, Nayeonnie," 

"Did you see Jeongyeon?" She questions when we're settled into the room. My bed feels odd, and the room looks empty. I mess with the bracelet Nayeon gave me nervously. I exhale slowly with a nod, "is she okay? What about Sana? And Chaengie?"

"They're okay. They're not hurt," I continue when I remember Jeongyeon punching the door, "well, not too badly. But emotionally? They're hurting terribly. Do you think what I did was right, Nayeon?"

"What?"

"Lying. To protect all of us." She bites her lip.

"I think your intentions were right. But lying wasn't," she admits, and I can do nothing but agree. "I didn't like that you lied. And I still don't, but you've been nothing but kind to us. I don't believe you'd hurt us intentionally."

"Jeongyeon hates me,"

"She doesn't hate you. She just doesn't know you as well as she thought. She's confused, and so was I. Jeongyeon views you as the sun, love. The sun keeps us alive does it not?"

"Too much sun can be harmful." I point out. Nayeon exhales deeply, and it isn't hard to tell that I'm annoying her. I shut my mouth to avoid pressing her on. I'd rather not make the situation worse.

"You've made me open up thousands of times. I've poured my entire soul out to you so many times that it's hard to remember all of them. Do you know why?" I'm not completely stupid, so I have an idea. I decide to stay silent with a shake of my head. "I trust you. I trust you because you've given me absolutely no reason to not. Though you lied, you've made sure that I know all of the details, and you've made sure that Jinyoung wouldn't harm us. It isn't your fault that Jeong, Sana, and Chaeyoung are locked up right now. I promise you it isn't. But I'd like to ask one thing of you, and that thing is for you to trust me. I want you to pour yourself out to me like I've done to you so many times," I swallow thickly. I thought that I had trusted Nayeon completely, but her words are making me rethink so many things. I close my eyes, rummaging around in my mind for something, anything, to say. Nayeon smiles, gentle and loving, as she links our pinkies together. "I love you."

"I love you too," I reply, and the words seem more natural than a confession would be. Would it be a confession? I hope Nayeon knows that I've always appreciated her company. "But it isn't easy for me. I love Jeongyeon, too, and we're not stable right now. I want you to be safe. But Jeongyeon trusts you so much, Nayeon, so please talk to her. I need to know everything she's feeling. I want to hurt more than she is." Nayeon nods, pulling me into her chest. It's in awkward position considering I'm typically the one holding her. But I don't hate it. It's comforting, and for a minute, I feel like everything will be alright.

But I'm not foolish enough to believe myself.

I press the card into the slot. It beeps three times, and I pull it out as the doors slide open. Jinyoung is sitting in his chair, glasses slid down the bridge of his nose as he flips through paperwork. I clear my throat. Though I've talked with him only a few times since the incident, I still fear that he's angry with me. He promises he isn't, but something doesn't feel right. He looks up quickly, pushing his glasses up, "Good evening, Jihyo. Why are you here?"

"Why did you lock them up?" The reason for Jeongyeon is obvious enough.

"You know why," he simply states. I breathe in to calm myself; it seems as if my patience is running thinner these days. 

"No, sir, I don't. Jeongyeon attacked us, but if she truly wanted to harm us, she would have-"

"She harmed my building. And so did the other two. That's enough proof for me to know that they would harm each and every one of us if they wanted. My plan for them was so grand, Jihyo. I wanted them to be the brighter future for Zodiacs. I wanted the newer generations to look up to them, to the billboards around the city. Project Twice was supposed to be so much more, and yet, they've ruined it. How can we clean Zodiacs' image when those eight don't want to be clean?"

"They want it more than you think," I mumble. Jinyoung's eyebrow quirks up, and I shiver.

"What was that?"

"They want it more than you think," I speak up, avoiding his gaze. "They want to be happy, but they're not free. Give them another chance. They're my responsibility, right?" I can only hope that my reasoning is good enough to influence his decision.

"If they were your responsibility, you would have prevented all of this from happening."

"They're human, Jinyoung, it was only natural for them to experience feelings. They were afraid, and they were lied to." I tell him, anger rising throughout my body.

"Human?" He laughs loudly. "No, no. They're Zodiacs. We are far from human, my dear. We could destroy humans if we wanted, but somehow we're at the bottom of the damn hierarchy. But if you want to try and make them human, be my guest. It will never happen however."

"Just release them. Please." I grit my teeth. Jinyoung leans back as he takes his glasses off.

"Alright. Have it your way. I'm timing you," his words turn icy, "if you can't control them, I'll do something about it. Project Twice will no longer be positive."
****
6.24.18