My Life In A Nutshell

23/05/18

This is a journal entry of my thoughts and feelings. If you don't want to know that then don't read this. Thank you. 

I'm tired. Not just tired like I need sleep, but I'm emotionally drained. 

Every time I start to feel up again something tries to push me down. And I'm sick of it. 

I can keep on lying to myself and say that I'm okay. But I'm really not. I try to be happy and look on the bright side and I don't know. I'm not really sad. I just am. 

Both of my parents struggle with depression, not super bad, but they do. It's never been a major problem, it just affects some situations sometimes. And now I think I'm like that too.

For the past month I've been able to tell. I get "bored" more often, I sit and think, my emotions are everywhere, and I just don't feel like myself. Granted, I hardly know what that is, but I would hope it's me being happy. 

The reason I'm posting this now is that I just need to talk to someone and write down my feelings. This is the closest thing I have to a journal, so here it is. 

I'm not super depressed or ... (I can't write the word, it's too real). I am just sad. I'm not trying to be dramatic because this is scary for me to write. I just don't know how to describe how I'm feeling so this is all over the place. 

I just need to find things that make me happy, I guess. YouTube makes me really happy, so I watch that. Being with my friends makes me really happy, and I do that too. I just need to find more.

I don't have a good body image. I try tricking myself that I do, but I really don't. Sometimes I genuinely am, but most of the time, I'm not. I'm overweight and I know it. But I have a Riverdale crop top that I really like and I wear that. The first time I wore it to dance and my dad said that I shouldn't wear that to dance, so I didn't. Then I wore it to school today. See, I have high pants that I like so I wear that with the crop top and my stomach doesn't even show. So I thought it would be fine, plus it was a half day, no one would care. But when I got home both of my parents said that I shouldn't have worn it and I can't wear it again.

I found a shirt that most girls would wear without batting an eyelash. It's cute, I love it, and it makes me happy. And now I can't wear it because I'm being scandalous apparently. I just really wish I could be happy.

I know this doesn't have an order, and that I barely scratched the surface of my thoughts, but I just REALLY needed to write some of my thoughts down to calm my head. I'm not looking for attention by writing this, I just needed to spill out my emotions to get this weight off my shoulders. I've been too scared to tell anyone because maybe they would interpret it the wrong way. I just need to talk and by happy, and it will be okay.

So thank you for reading this, if you have. 

~Autumn