crash & burn

2. wants and needs

Natsu is fascinated by Gray, but he knows that if Gray finds out the truth about him, he won't stay.

TW for homophobic slurs

__________

she says that love is for fools that fall behind
and i'm somewhere between
i never really know a killer from a savior
- fuel, "shimmer"

Natsu chewed the end of his pen and stared at the neatly printed words on the whiteboard, tapping his foot against his chair. Lucy kicked his shin and he stopped, pouting. He stole a covert glance over at Gray, who was frowning and scrawling something in his notebook.

What I really want is this hot guy's phone number, Natsu wrote, grinning. And maybe a date where I can get him to smile. He paused, realizing that this probably wasn't the goal of the exercise and scratching out the words. He doodled in the margin of the page, trying to come up with a real answer. What I really want is somewhere not-shitty to spend Christmas this year, he thought. I wish Lucy's dad would still let me come over.

Something twisted in his chest as he thought of Lucy's face, looking crestfallen as she told him that her father didn't think he was safe to be around Kaden anymore. Natsu shook the memory away, tapping his pen against the back of his hand.

What I really need is... a new home. Also probably my meds but I can't afford them so maybe money I guess. Don won't pay for them 'cause he says it's not a real disease and I'm just being a drama queen but honestly if anyone is a drama queen it's him. Natsu popped the end of the pen back into his mouth, shifting in his seat until Gray turned and glared at him. It seemed like a half-hearted glare, but still.

A better attention span would be great too but that's part of the meds thing 'cause I think I'm manic. Actually I know I'm manic. I dunno what I'm gonna do when I crash. I haven't really slept in like a week. Natsu sighed, drumming his fingers on the edge of his notebook and staring at the messy, misspelled sentences. He hated writing. It took so long to get the words on paper – they flowed so much faster in his head.

He looked up again, trying not to be obvious about staring at Gray, who was curled up in the beanbag chair, long legs folded awkwardly beneath him, long fingers curled around his pen. Natsu could almost see what Gray was writing from here, but he didn't want to risk Gray's wrath. A soft, pained noise made Natsu frown, and he noticed Gray wince and grab his shoulder. Natsu considered asking if he was okay, but had a feeling it wouldn't be well received.

Something about Gray appealed to him. Even though he smoked, and glared, and was kind of a jackass, Natsu wanted to get to know him better. The fact that he'd moved over to sit with them was an encouraging start, even it was only to talk to Erza. And that whole thing about them being old friends was bullshit because Natsu had been going to school with Erza since kindergarten and he'd never heard about or seen Gray before in his life. He would have remembered those eyes.

"Pay attention, dumbass." Those eyes were currently glaring at Natsu as Gray kicked his ankle, forcing Natsu to snap out of his daydream and pay attention to Mira. He flashed Gray a smile and Gray didn't scowl back. Small victories.

"Laxus, would you please start us off?" Mira seemed unfazed by the glare on Laxus' face, and Natsu could tell that Laxus was trying to weigh whether or not this was the assignment he should pass on. After a moment Laxus sighed, then stared down at his notebook.

"What I really want," he said gruffly, "is to not be here." Cana giggled, but Laxus' face remained serious. "I want to be out with my friends instead of here in this stupid program." Mira didn't react, but he still glanced up at her and muttered, "sorry."