Suicide is not a joke. It disgusts me when people use it for attention. I started to be more negative and independent in 7th grade. Problems started to multiply over the years, and trust me there are huge ups and downs. The worst part about this is hiding it all; faking laughs, holding back tears and living with the eternal hurt. People ask why I am and I just shrug, not wanting them to know. They all say the same thing, “But your life is perfect. You’re parents love you, they have great jobs. You get everything you want, you’re popular and you get all the guys.” Every damn person, it gets annoying and soon you learn to give that fake smile and thank them. Soon faking happiness becomes second nature, you forget what true happiness is. You are on your own.
~*~*~*~*~
That night I lay in bed with silent tears streaming down my face. What do I do? Zac’s the reason I’m afraid of getting close with people, why I can’t trust easily and why I hide. Do I run from this problem? Just like all my other ones? Let the bullies win? Yes I admit that I’m afraid of the truth. The truth means reality, but I like escaping it. And Zac was able to fire words at me and invite me back to the real world. In reality I see myself as a worthless, terrified girl. The day my parents said we were moving, I felt hope. Something that seemed so foreign to me suddenly came back. I thought that once I’m here in Florida, everything would restart, but I guess the past is catching up.
~*~*~*~*~
It’s 5 in the morning and I can’t fall back asleep. I decide to go for an early, or may I say really really early run. My mind has cleared up a bit and I reach a 24/7 diner somewhere at the boardwalk. I sit in a booth and lean my head back…Kay what are you going to do? You have to protect the others, it can’t always be them standing up for you. I take a deep breath. You can do this Karoline. I pull out my phone and dial Zac’s number, when it starts ringing my hearts starts pounding harder and harder. Then finally he picks…”Yo, who’s this?”
For a second I forget how to breathe, I whisper, “Karoline…” In the background I can hear him turn off his TV.
“Karoline Jo Ainsley? As in, ‘Karoline’ with a ‘K’?”
I had to smile at that. “Yep…that’s me.”
He still doubts it, “Then prove it.” I cringe when he says it, but I have no choice.
“Well, the first time you asked me to be your girlfriend you made me figure out a riddle, actually 17 to be exact.”
He stays silent then retorts, “Anyone can say that.”
I become infuriated with his stubborn ass. “How can you not remember my voice? That should be enough, considering that we always screamed at each other. So you want me to prove it? FINE. You’re not circumcised yet. You also have a birthmark on your left ass cheek. You’re a virgin and forever will be. Oh and you’re the person I once loved, the boy I would call my prince charming and now you’re the person I most strongly dislike. You know, you’re lucky I don’t hate things, because we both know there aren’t many things out there I hate; and boy are you close to being on that small list. Good enough now?” I don’t feel bad at all. I feel even more fired up.
He sighs, “Karoline, my beautiful princess…I’m so sorry. I know I’ve said it so many times before but-“
I interrupt, “Mmhmm damn right, so what difference does it make now? I really don’t give two shits if you’ve moved back to Cali. So leave my friends alone. You desperately want to know where I am? Well for starters, I’m not in your bed, not in your pants, not even close to where you are. As much as you wish for any of those, they’re never going to happen anytime soon. I moved a long ass way from where you are. And boy am I glad. Get over yourself AND FUCK OFF!!” I hang up and put my head down on the table. Somewhere inside me I feel a bit relieved.
~*~*~*~*~
Before I leave the diner I order a sweet ice tea and I’m out the door. I walk for a bit and decide on what to do. Then I spot a soccer field across from the beach. I swear this place gets better and better. It’s about 6:30 a.m. right now and I need a soccer ball. I jog down the street to a 24/7 shop and I’m lucky enough to find a ball. I buy a couple bags of chips, Gatorade and candy. Once I’m at the field, I let everything go.
