Tonight, I'm near the final step of drifting away.
I have lost every sense of what sense is like.
I have lost all friends and the moments don't suck me in like they used to. They never catch me, instead they chew me then spit me and leave me stuck on the bottom of a bench that never sees the sun.
I wonder if today is the last time I see them. Them, who used to bring light but are now stars that ignite somewhere way too far off. It's being on Earth and watching the Sun beam brightly and the next thing you know is you're on the other side of the galaxy watching the same Sun but this time it's a star that hardly stands out against the navy sky. I know the Sun and I know that no star would feel as warm no matter how big. I lost my Suns, just today.
Today I sit on the ground but my body disconnects from my soul and it's all like stepping back for a second and watching the world from an aircraft as it grows tiny.
It's repeating itself the same way this planet is circular. I'm living in a loop that carries the same events and I keep running down never ending stairs. Cube. Flipping rooms. Infinite, like the vibrations a single chord can send through the ground.
I realised that I might be breathing the same air you just exhaled, since air keeps circulating. The thought of letting in something that has been this close to your heart is overwhelming. We're practically kissing, bro.
I'd hoped for stars to fall and end me gracefully. Now it's more sensible to hope for space wastes or bombs to fall instead. Unidentified body found on the side of the road because maybe I might get a plastic surgery or two because when a body is dead cold you can't feel it's soul, you can't recognise it using your heart.
Body found in the middle of Japanese suicide forest. What a place to die. I need to see Tokyo before I die. Perfect.
Girl struck by lightning after spreading both hands out for it. The sensation will revive my body. I will be whole, for a few seconds before I go. What a beautiful way to go.
Get lost and leave my body alone to dwell in every flaw that was more that just a flaw. A clog. A waste.
A ninety seven year old, dead in her bed soaked in her own piss, but what did she do in life? She was afraid to mess up. Who did she love? I guess she was afraid of that too. Ashamed. Insignificant. Sad. Such a pitiful way to leave.
But then again soul is back in body and I don't think anyone noticed me unraveling every version of my death. I'm sure nobody noticed. Why? Because I lost my Suns even if they stand two feet away. I'm drenched in sin still my teeth as white as snow. Smile. Maybe tomorrow I won't be here to do that.
