Luci's Rant Book

GIRLS ASTRAY (REVIEW)

Upon request, I have reviewed the story 'Girls Astray' by NatalieJennifer7

Title/cover -
I like the title you have used and from what I've gathered from the description it seems to fit the story very well. I haven't really found any other stories who share the same title (or I just forgot them) so points for creativity.

Your cover could be better though. It does its job but I would call it average. While I do like the picture you have used and it seems to fit your story just fine, I would recommend you to use a different font. The quote on it ('what does it take to be perfect') isn't all that visible unless you look very close - the same counts for your username on it btw. It's not necessarily a bad thing though, so no need to panic, but if you want your cover to jump out to your possible audience you might want to consider changing it up a bit. (Numerous 'cover shops' can be found all over Wattpad and it won't be a bad idea either to check out 'Multimedia Designs' in the Clubs)

As you probably know, there are literally thousands upon thousands of stories on Wattpad and it's not always easy to get reads on your books. Having a great cover can help you with that, and I hate to say this (I would like that this isn't true) but people actually DO judge a book by its cover.

Summary -
I think you did a great job with the description! You managed to keep an air of mystery and raise questions in your readers' mind while not giving away too much. Great job! I don't have much else to say here.

The beginning -
The beginning is not half bad, it keeps the same mysterious feel as the summary did and makes the reader wonder what's going on with the mc.

There are a few things you can work a bit on though and that I should point out.

A couple of words (like 'dead' and her lipstick) were used rather repetitively - this actually counts for all the chapters I've read.

You might want to try switching up your vocabulary a bit or leaving certain parts out altogether. I'm sure your audience would love the fresh vocabulary as well - make sure that you know what you mean though and don't use only fancy words or it might be hard to follow. It's all about finding the balance.

You could try using Thesaurus for this, I always found it a great help for my own stories but that's completely up to you.

(Also, please number your chapters XD)

Description -
Your description is better than that of the average Wattpader, so be proud of that! But there's something I always like to say: 'There's always room for improvement.' And this counts for you as well.

As also will be mentioned under 'characters' - you should try zooming in a bit more on the emotions and feelings of your characters to make them stand out even more. This can easily be accomplished by a few tricks - which I will get to very shortly.

Your sceneries could use some extra too. I understand that most of it (from what I've read at least) takes place in a school, but personally, I would like some more description about said school. Maybe you could give the other students a few sentences, the classrooms, teachers and the like.

And now the tricks.

The most obvious thing, of course, would be to add the five senses in the description of your story; sight, smell, hearing, feeling & taste. By adding those senses in your description can be used to make your characters more realistic and giving them a unique touch. It might also help to put yourself in your mc's shoes; simply ask yourself 'What would I do in such a situation?'

As for the sceneries... personally, I like to approach my stories as if I were to be watching a movie/TV-show. You are the one who's holding the camera in a way and now you simply describe what you see through the lens. Because your story is written in first POV, the 'lens' is your mc's eyes obviously. Just describe what they are seeing so that your readers are capable of painting a vivid image of the sceneries so they can be pulled into the story even more.

Grammar/spelling -
I found some misplaced or missing commas, it's nothing too horrendous, and most people tend to read over it either way.

There also are some wrongly constructed words which tend to disturb the flow of your paragraphs and overall story. I also wouldn't use the dashes all that much. You definitely overused them. Most of the time comma's will serve just fine.

You could always get an editor to look it over for you or maybe get an 'online editor' of some sorts - for my own stories I personally use an app called 'Grammarly' (it also has a website and the app has a phone keyboard you can use while writing your stories). It's a handy app, every writer's friend, that points out your grammatical errors, wrongly spelled words and a few more things. Just check it out and see if it's something for you. (Don't worry, it's free)

Characters -
I think you did a good job in introducing your characters. Each of them has a different voice which is clearly visible by even reading as much as only the first two chapters.

I also think that it's funny how you occasionally tend to break the fourth wall XD

While you did good in keeping an air of mystery hanging over the first few chapters, it does makes your characters seem a bit more distant. (especially the first chapter) When people read a book, they want - most often subconsciously - to find something relatable in the characters or something they can look up to. That makes your characters more realistic and they would leave a greater mark in your reader's mind. After all, you do want people to remember your book, don't you?

After the first chapter, it became much better and I got a better idea and sense of your characters. While you could use some more description to make your characters a bit more in-depth, you have overall good characters.

You could try zooming in a bit more of their fears and insecurities (feelings and emotions) to make this story even better.

The intensity of the character's feeling, as long as it remains believable and bearable, will greatly intensify the reader's feelings - whatever they are.

Plot -
I really do like how you added some 'entries' throughout your story. It gives it this unique personal touch which cannot easily be replaced in another way. Do not lose this.

The plot is intriguing enough to keep reading it because it raises questions your audience would like to get the answers to. The few chapters I've read were quite enjoyable, but would I get back to it? I'm not sure (I generally don't read in this genre lol) but I'm sure that there are many people who would enjoy your story greatly!

Other -
This is overall a well-written and enjoyable story to read. While there are some grammatical issues and the description and characters could use some more work, it's nothing an editor and a serious editing session won't be able to fix.

Just keep writing (and reading!) and you'll get there eventually.

Overall score -
3.68/5.00

You get 3 stars - ⭐️⭐️⭐️

~~~~~~

Flee stage Lucifer
*breaks a plate*

Hugs and knives,
- Luci