In the Back Seat

Fat.

"I don't like fat girls," my crush says to me
As I awkwardly smile on the outside
When he utters the word "fat"
As if I didn't know what that awful word meant
On the inside, my heart is dragged to hell and back
Because at age 11, the word "fat" meant
"Ugly."
"Disgusting."
"Incapable of being loved."
That same night, I cried myself to sleep
Hoping my tears would make the goddess Aphrodite have pity on me
Because I'm fat
So I saw myself as ugly from that day on.

At age 13, I look up ways to make myself skinnier, prettier
So that same crush may finally see the beauty within me
But all I see are links saying
"How to get skinny by throwing up!"
"Get skinny in days by starving yourself!"
And I thought "ok, I'll try it!"
So I did.

I ate less each day
But I hated the way I felt when I declined that slice of pizza
Or when I only ate tofu in the school cafeteria while I see the other girls eat to their hearts content and stay petite and pretty
So when I got home
I pigged out on ramen and coke
So no one would look down on me in disgust
But each day I starved myself, I trusted that damn website in hopes I'd actually be skinny
But it didn't work.
It never worked because I couldn't bring myself to throw up
And the madness to the method
Only brought pain and sadness.

I then had another crush
This one was somehow different to me because I thought that he'd see past the back rolls and thick thighs
But then I found out he called me a whale behind my back
I mean, what kind of person says that?
About someone who has feelings and also
Dealing with depression and insecurities
That night I sobbed into my pillow
Almost soaking wet from heartbreak
I then went to my bathroom to look for pills
I could take so I could fall into a deep slumber
And suppress my hunger

But I couldn't do it.
I could never do it because if I did,
I never would have met the man that loves every part of me, mind, body, and soul.
If I did, I never would have seen how beautiful
I am now.
If I did, I would never have the confidence I have now.
Because now, I savor every bite of that slice of pizza
And shrug when guys tell me
"I don't like fat girls."