In the Back Seat

14.

I wish I could go back to being 14
Where my biggest worry was when the next season of my favorite show was coming out
And avoid all the girls who are petite and pretty but are masters of manipulation
Their words like thousands of daggers into your mind and heart
It's still like that now but instead of the girls
I'm tearing myself apart

I wish I was clean
Like when I didn't know about the racism, homophobia and misogyny that I'd receive
When I had dreams of being society's standard
Because I didn't see myself on tv and didn't wanna be how they portray young, black girls
Loud, ratchet, and mean

You see, I stayed silent, poised, and kind
But was slowly losing my mind
Trying to find someone who would love me for me
Bubbly
Understanding
Back rolls and all
Would you believe I felt that way at 14?
Now I'm thinking "what the fuck happened to me?"

If she knew about what she was getting into later on
I don't know what she'd do
It'd all come crashing down like an old brick wall
If 14 year old me knew she'd be going through it all
Love
Chaos
Depression
Anxiety
Rage

But that's what made me who I am today.
Who would I be today without the screaming?
The crying?
Without being afraid?
When that demon named Greed came into my life with his words like bullets in my brain
And I knew I'd never be the same
I'm 18 years old now and nothing has barely changed
But that can be arranged.