What Lurks in His Eyes

Chapter 31: I am His

Song: Tomorrow We Fight feat Svrcina

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My PTSD has got a hold on me.

Depression is another sympton of this condition that seems to control me.

Today it's raining.

The sun is sleeping behind the dark clouds that cry their tears of sorrow. I watch as the little droplets on my window race each other as they roll down the glass before meeting their end as they hit the cold ground.

The window fogs up from my breath, which comes out in slow, quiet breaths.

My room is dark, which reflects the mood I'm in. I wish the sun was out. It makes me feel better in times like these.

But the sun is hiding from me today.

I head back to my bed, getting lost in the fluffy covers that yet, offer me no comfort for the sadness in my heart. Tear leak from my eyes, and soon soak the sheets. 

It hurts.

The guilt.

The shame.

My inner demons awake, becoming alive in my thoughts.

Razor. My mind whispers. It's like an annoying tickle in my mind that I cannot scratch away. My mind flashes to the image of a razor I saw in the drawer in the bathroom.

No.

I groan in frustration at the urge to cut becomes harder to resist.

I've been clean for awhile now, and I'm not about to start cutting again. I don't want to let Draven down. I don't want to mar my skin with my own blood.

Even though it seems enticing, the pain...the sting.

Deep down, I don't want to. Deep down, I know that cutting will only make me feel guilty after the deed is done.

Temporary relief it provides, but eternal scars it leaves.

I don't take my eyes off the window as the door creaks open. My back faces the door, so I can't see who is coming in.

But I already know who it is.

It is Draven.

"Kamaria, please, you've been sleeping all day." He says softly.

I don't say anything.

"Please get up. W-we can have lunch together? Maybe go out?"

I can hear the worry in his voice. It is evident by the way his voice slightly shakes and how quiet he's being.

But I don't feel like it.

I don't feel like doing anything.

It seems as if I've lost interest in doing anything.

"I-I don't feel like it." I respond weakly.

Draven doesn't say anything, and for a moment, I thought he's left the room.

But he hasn't.

"Kamaria, I know that you're upset and guilty about....Teddy as well as the others that died but....this isn't healthy for you to lie around here all depressed."

He doesn't understand.

It's not like I can help feeling depressed.

I don't get my medications for another couple days, but until then, I'm just going to have to push through it.