Waiting for the Sunrise

chapter six

Rebecca's Point of View:

Therapy had just finished, I was waiting for Will to pick me up thinking about how I was going to handle the speaking situation with him. Therapy had gone surprisingly well, better than it had before. But it was still day one and I was trying to not get my hopes up too high, for all I know tomorrow could be horrible. It didn't matter if I didn't deserve to be alive, or that I should be dead instead of them. I had people who I needed to be happy for. I had people who still cared, even if I shouldn't matter. Unfortunately, I did matter. Unfortunately, I had to start being strong for my new family. I had to be. Will's car stopped my thoughts inches in front of my feet.

"Why are you standing outside? It's freezing, Beck. Get in." He said as I pulled the door open.

"Its nice to be cold sometimes." He rolled his eyes at me and started reversing his SUV.

"How was it?" He asked, not taking his eyes off the road. He was still sweaty from football practice, and he looked exhausted.

"Good. Better than usual. Before." I replied, watching my words. I knew if I got too confident about getting better he would get his hopes up, and I didn't want to disappoint him anymore. Even if he hurt me.

"Did Jake get you there on time?" His voice got more aggressive.

"Yes. Early. You don't have to make conversation, especially about Jake." I told him, wanting the tension to slow down. His voice paused when we hit a red light, and he turned the volume up on his classical radio station.

"Do you need anything from your house while we're out?" He asked, looking at me glumly. It hurt.

"I love you, Will." He tried hard to hide a smile, but was unsuccessful.

"Thank you. I love you too. So much that it hurts." I nodded my head away and looked out the window, it was beginning to snow lightly. Will continued talking, "But it doesn't hurt as much as I hurt you, Beck. I'm so so sorry. I wish so badly that I could fix this." I didn't say anything. As mad as I was at Will, it still hurt me to hurt him. I looked away, not wanting to feel bad for someone who hurt me. He set his hand on my knee as he drove, but I let him.

We pulled into his driveway at 5:34. Upon entering, his mom was cooking dinner and his dad setting the table. The house smelled like homemade chicken wing pizza, Aidan's favorite. My heart sank as thoughts went through my head, and the inspiration I had had just an hour ago disappeared. Aidan should be here to enjoy this. Aidan should be the one sitting at the Mercer's dining room table eating his favorite food. Fuck.

"Hi guys!" Mr. Mercer said happily. I gave him a small smile, avoiding eye contact and headed up the stairs to "my room." Will followed. I walked down the hallway in silence, ignoring Will behind me.

"Aidan's favorite. I know. I'm sorry. They didn't realize." I stopped and turned to look at him.

"It's not your fault or your parents fault. You guys are allowed to eat whatever dinner you want. Can you please stop following me like a lost puppy. You're hanging onto every word I say like it's my last."

"Because I want you to be okay again."

"It's not gonna happen any quicker like this. I'm trying." My phone vibrated with a text.

"I'm sorry I just hate this. I've hated it for months. I just want you back, Beck. I try so hard to make sure you have every opportunity to be happy. I make sure nobody's talking about you, I make sure people don't look at you funny in the halls, I collect all your homework when you miss school, I text your whereabouts in a group chat so that everyone knows whats going on with you. I have weekly meetings with Mrs. White and your guidance counselor. Did you know that, Beck? I'm trying so hard to make sure that everything is perfect. I'm sorry I can't fix your mom or the accident, but I would do it in an instant if I could. I love you so much, Rebecca. Don't you know?" His eyes were beginning to well with tears and started to breathe heavier. I wrapped my arms around his large frame tightly, tears starting to fall in my own eyes. He kissed the top of my head, hugging me tighter.

I hadn't hugged Will sober in weeks, if not months. It felt strong and warm and safe. "The accident wasn't your fault, Beck. It wasn't. I know you won't realize it. But it wasn't your fault. The other guy was drunk, he was texting, you were being safe. You couldn't have-" I cut him off by turning, running into his room and laying on his bed, sobbing on my own now. He followed in silently, sitting next to me and stroking my hair.

"Becca, everything will be okay." I kept crying, letting my tears soak into his shorts where my head was resting. I heard footsteps come up the stairs.

"Will? Becca? Dinner's ready." Mrs. Mercer walked towards the door. Will shot up.

"Hey mom." He said, standing at the door frame. "I'll be down in a minute. Becca isn't gonna eat with us tonight." I heard them whisper indecipherably, and I was thankful for it. He turned and I heard her footsteps down the stairs.