Dear World (#Wattys2018)

Day Two

I've come to dread Sundays; they remind me of how much my freedom is limited once I set foot inside of my school. In reality, I like the concept of school, I like learning about how things work and how things used to be, I like going to my literature classes. The one thing I hate about my school experience is simple; my peers. Things were so much easier when everyone was in middle school. There were no cliches, no drama, no hatred for no reason. But, now, I am in high school.

I've learned that my peers are really succubuses and incubuses in disguise. My peers prey on the weakness that others show. There are some people who live for the moments when they can embarrass others, silently encouraging one to strip themself of individuality. Then, there are the people who conform to the stereotypes, frowning at other people for being unique, but never having the courage to voice their own opinions.

I went to high school with a positive attitude. I will leave this world negatively impacted by all the things that I have witnessed. My peers are insecure beings that feel the need to pass their insecurities onto other people. Anabelle, my close friend, lost the spark in her eyes because of the way our peers behave. Anabelle has the biggest crush on this "popular" boy. Every day, she tells me of how she wishes she was beautiful enough to talk to him. Her eyes fill to the brim with unshed tears as she tells me that she'd never had the guts to confess her feelings to him because what would his friends think? A "nerd" like her with a "popular" boy like him? She sells herself short. Her soul is one of the kindest things I have ever had the pleasure of encountering. She may not know this but, she has lifted me up by being my friend, by being herself.

That's what happens at my school. The girls lose their morals, trying to impress the boys. They allow the boys to demean their character. The boys make fun of homosexuality and religion, making people feel that the atmosphere is no place for divergent thinking. The boys brag and display pictures of the girls that they have sex with. Altogether, my peers have forgotten that society relies on the kindness of strangers.

I've observed countless people destroyed by rumors. No one seems to care about the truth. An exaggerated account of reality is more entertaining than the truth will ever be. My peers don't care that they crush the souls of others with the rumors that they spread. They only care about being entertained.

My friend had gotten her nudes exposed. The first thought that went through my mind was, why did she send those pictures? I had already begun to pass the blame onto her without knowing the full truth. The truth is that she and her boyfriend were dating for two years, they had already engaged in sexual acts. For her, those pictures meant nothing. Turns out, her boyfriend (I never liked him) sent the pictures to his best friend; it went downhill from there. The incident spread like wildfire; not even a week later everyone knew about what happened. Everywhere she went, whispers followed. She dropped out of school.

I still talk to her, I couldn't bring myself to abandon her like everyone else did. I soon was graced with the knowledge that she had nudes of him too but, she never showed a soul. She didn't end his life like he ended hers. And, I couldn't help but wonder why.

"Why didn't I expose him?" she said to me, repeating the question I had asked her seconds before. "I remember how I first felt, how I sat in the corner by the door, contemplating whether or not I should go downstairs and hang myself. Unlike him, I can put myself into another person's shoes and realize that I am the bigger person. I have the power to overlook the wrongs that people may do to me."

I never knew that one person could be that understanding and, for a split second, my faith in humanity had been restored. I was foolish enough to believe that if people could mimic my friend's actions then the world would become a better place.

It didn't take long for my faith to plummet once more. This time, my other friend was targetted. My friend turned up pregnant after she had unprotected sex with her boyfriend. She was barely eighteen and she knew that she could not be the mother that her child would deserve; she had an abortion. Her boyfriend broke off the relationship after she told him about what she had decided to do, claiming that he could never be with a baby killer. He became a new person with thoughts intent on making her life a living hell. We would pass him in the hallways, him yelling the words "baby killer" at her, his friends glaring at her. There was one time when someone slashed her tires, keyed the side of her car, and broke her passenger's side window. She couldn't prove it but, she knew that it was his doing.

I never fully understood psychologically what my friends were going through until I was forced to live the same fate. To give some background, my chest is (I really should start saying was) on the larger side and I can (could) never find shirts to fit me correctly. For the longest time in my life, I wore the baggiest shirts acceptable in my mother's eyes, trying to hide my freakishly large chest from the world. I grew tired of gazing into the mirror and feeling fat because of the larger sizes. My mother stopped me from wearing the baggy shirts, leading people to see and know me by my assets.

Continuing with my internal monologue, I was walking through the hallways of Belleville High School when I walked by a group of upperclassmen boys. I bit my rip roughly as I passed them by, feeling their eyes rake down my physique. It was like I was being examined for an arranged marriage.

"You're the girl with big boobs. You think you can give me head like you gave Desean?" I never knew how quickly oxygen could stop its way through my bloodstream, rendering me breathless and thoughtfilled. Part of me wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. How could someone, a person that I'm highly sure I have never met, start a rumor like this? Why did this Desean guy pick me as the unfortunate candidate for his rumor?

"I don't know what you're talking about," my legs started to move as fast as my brain was. My brain couldn't wrap itself around the fact that someone was able to end my life without ever having a conversation with me. It was like this rumor ran my life. Every moment of the day, I was waiting for someone to bring the rumor into the light, for someone to whisper behind my back.

I felt like I was defined by this rumor. I could see the looks at certain people gave me, the looks that a person would give a prostitute. I became the school "slut" without ever having my first real kiss. Most people that knew about the rumor looked at me with pity clear in their pupils, pity for the fact that I was now known as the girl that gave oral sex in a boys' bathroom stall. Some days, I felt like the only things that mattered to the population of my school was the rumor.

Perhaps, that's why I stopped participating in school functions, perhaps the rumor is the reason why I only wanted to stay home, inside the security of my bed. My bed was the only place where people and their harmful rumors couldn't reach me, it was the only place where I felt truly safe. In my mind, my mother knew about the rumor. She "knew" about what I supposedly did and she was disappointed.

So, this is reason #2. My peers. 

Hai, I just wanted to let all of you individuals reading this know that you are all unique beings that were put on this planet for a reason. I know how it feels to feel like the whole world is against you, I know how it feels to feel like you want to disappear. I just wanted to let you know that it does get better, you just have to be patient and wait.

Sincerely,

L.C.T.