If Atem Lived in my Head

The Ring

            

I place the dishes that I had collected from around the house into the sink and go back to the table with a rag.

"Nuni." Atem says.

"hmm..." I swipe the crumbs off the tabletop and nearly walk straight into Atem when I go to shake the rag off in the trash can.

"That ring is beautiful?" He says. "it's perfect for your hand."

I glance at his hands, adorned in really amazing rings. I scoff at the ring on my hand it was small a 10kt gold ring with my birthstone in the center, aquamarine.

"Thanks, but I think your's trump mine." I walk past him and shake the rag out.

"no, yours has meaning to you." he takes my hand and lets his thumb caress the stone "I can feel it... did your friend give it to you?"

"No." I pull my hand back "it's nothing for you to concern yourself with." I go back to picking up the house.

"What's wrong, Nuni??" He asks, following me around. "Have I said something wrong?"

"No." I snap harsher than I mean to.

"Clearly I've said something to upset you." He steps in front of me.

"Atem, move." I growl at him.

"Nuni, talk to me." he takes my hand in his.

"Atem..." I grit my teeth and try not to snap at him "move."

"Talk to me." he orders me.

"I am not yours to command." I snap at him.

"No... but you are my partner and I'm concerned for you." his eyes harden on me.

"Why?" I demand "why would you be concerned?"

"Because I care for you, Nuni." He says "because you are strong and loyal and someone on this damned planet should tell you that and someone should care that you haven't bothered to feed yourself in three days, or notice that you don't sleep because you're terrified of your dreams or that you drive yourself into the dirt trying to do everything as if you are the mother of this household, now..." he takes a breath "tell me what is wrong?"

I just stare at him "you noticed all that stuff?" I ask him.

"How could I miss it?" He brushes an overgrown lock of hair away from my eyes "it's all you do."

I drop my eyes, my thumb twirls my ring around my finger. I sigh. "My grandmother gave it to me." I tell him "when I was eight."

"Why did you get so upset?" he asks rubbing circles into my hand with his thumbs. I keep my eyes down.

"I miss her." I admit, tears stinging my eyes. I try and stiffen my lip but I can feel myself filling with the grief I struggle to keep at bay.

"She has passed then?" He asks me, stepping the tiniest of steps forward.

"Yes." I hate that my voice betrays the tears I'm trying to hide. There is one conversation that breaks me, no matter how strong I build the walls.

"I'm sorry." He tells me, his arms sliding around me. he feels warm, warmer than someone like him should.

"You must have been very close." He says, his large hand splayed across my back as he pulls me closer.

"We were." I laugh as the memories flood my mind. "she loved to read, like me, we'd share books and spend hours talking about them. She had this huge box of books that she had in her room." I sniffle in the most unattractive way and hide in Atem's chest. 

"She was always moving and doing things and taking care of me and my brothers and-and" I hiccup "she was what I wanted to be when I grew up."

"She sounds wonderful." Atem holds onto me and I feel something I haven't felt since my grandma past. Genuine unconditional love. I know it's only the result of actually telling someone what I'm thinking and not actual love. Atem and I haven't even known each other that long and besides, he's stuck with me for now. But still... he doesn't have to notice the things he does about me. At this point he knows more about me than my mother knows about me.

"She was." My voice is smaller than I'd like it to be but Atem doesn't say anything.

"You are wonderful, Nuni." Atem whispers stroking my hair back. his touch isn't like a touch, it's more like a presences, I have a sense of what he's doing but sometimes... sometimes I think I can really feel him.

"Thank you, Atem." I let him comfort me. I don't need it. I've been fine on my own so far but... it's nice to have the option, to choose.

"Anytime, Nuni."