Lost In Pain

Chapter 3

I woke up to the sun shining on my face. Shawn laid next to me. He looked so peaceful.
His arm was around my waist, I pulled myself out of his grip and got out of the bed.
The clothes were shattered all around the room. It was a pretty wild night that we had.
I searched my clothes together and dressed up. Although I do need new clothes. 
I went through the closet and took a random shirt. That's mine now. 
To make it a little less obvious I putted mine in the closet instead. 
As I was putting my pants back on I heard a soft moan and then a sleepy voice.
'What are you doing?' he sat straight in the bed.
I grinned. 'Leaving. Obviously',
A confused look appearedd on his face.
'What? Why?'
Without answering his question I left the room. I left him behind just like that.
What happened yesterday was just a stupid hookup. I was tipsy. Yeah, I admit I wasn't drunk. And I don't know about him but I wasn't thinking clear, I only know that it should've never happened.

For the third day in a row I walked through the streets of New York. I really don't know what I'm doing with my life. I guess I'm waisting it. I could have had everything if I just wasn't being a bitch to Lily. And even after I ran away she wanted me to come home. But no, I was so stupid to ignore her, to keep hanging around in the streets. Maybe it's just better if I kill myself. Who cares anyway? No one would miss me, especially not with that attitude of mine.  
I walked my way to a donut bar. I slipped inside and grabbed a donut from a random table. The guy didn't see it. 
I walked out. Unnoticed. See, I was kind of invisible. I bumped into a tall muscular body. When I looked up I saw sweet curly hair and hazel eyes. Of course it must be me who would walk into Shawn Mendes. He had this dumb worried look on his face that made me want to puke. I looked in his eyes for a few minutes. But than I turned around and walked away from him. Totally ignoring him. I don't want to see him ever again. It's like he doesn't understand that.
Right before I wanted to take a bite of the donut I started thinking. 
Why am I doing this? Who am I living for? Why do I cut out all people in my life?
I got mad at myself. And sad. All these bad emotions came together. It felt like I was empty. 
I dropped the donut and crushed it with my foot. If I am going to die anyway, then why would I eat?
I couldn't feel my legs. It felt like I was floating. My mind was empty. For the first time there wasn't a voice in the back of my mind telling me I was a failure, this time I already knew I was.
The sound of thunder raged in my head. Normally a lightning bolt comes before the thunder. In my head this wasn't true. The lightning struck. 
I snapped.
I was surrounded by emptiness and darkness. My feet led me to the Brooklyn Bridge.
Honestly it's a beatiful bridge.
I walked to somewhere in the middle. 

The view was amazing. Such a shame one day that'll be gone. 
I laid my hands on the cold railing of the bridge. I looked down at the water and it felt like I was already drowning. 
I climbed up on the railing and sat down. I looked up at the sky. It was a clear day today. No clouds visible. The sky reflected on the water. And so did I. Again I looked at the water. I couldn't see the end. Only an emptiness of water. I realized I've had been sitting on the railing for almost ten minutes.
Today I'll finish what I once already tried, was I thinking. I am ready to die.
I closed my eyes and let go off my hands. I heard panic around me. People screaming.
But unfortunately I didn't fall. I mean I did but maybe just a few inches. I felt strong arms around me, pulling me up.
My eyes were still closed and I slowly started crying. Someone carried me away. I didn't know who it was or where we were going. I only listened to the sound of people. The sound of the world.
I felt how someone laid me down on what I think was a car. But soon I passed out.

Hours later I woke up in a room I wished I would have never woken up again. The room where I had slept with Shawn. I started moving. Throwing the sheets off of me. I saw Shawn Mendes sitting on a chair in the corner of the room. He was staring straight at me. Why does it always have to be him?
Out of nowhere I started crying. I tried to cover it but I couldn't keep up with the tears. This is one of the only times I've cried like this. 
Through the tears I started talking to him:' Why do you keep following me?'
I dried my tears on the sheet. But I kept crying.
'If you keep on doing things like this, I almost feel like I need to follow you. Someone has got to keep you save.'
I pulled the sheets back on me and said: 'I don't want help...I just want to die,'
I bursted out in tears. Harder than before. I rested my head in my hands and sobbed in silent.
Shawn came from his chair and sat down on the side of the bed. 
He slowly touched my arm but I immediately pulled back. 
The thing is that I know I have a mental illness. Depression. But one time I feel great and the other time I don't want to live anymore. 
Lily helped me through it but now I left her behind me. No one can save me from the darkness inside me that's killing me slowly.
'If you feel like this again, think about everyone who will miss you', his voice sounded sweet and innocent.
I looked at him. I stared in his brown eyes.
'I don't have anyone', I felt my voice shaking.
Shawn took my hand in his. This time I didn't pull back. 
'Let me be that one person. I want to be that one person who can keep you from doing things like this, thinking like this..'
I stared into nothing. His words were sinking in. And suddenly I nod. I know I need help. And it's a big step to know I do so I'll take every help I can.
A sweet little smile appeared on his face. I tried to smile too but I couldn't. It felt too fake.
'So is there anything you need? I'll be around the wole day, you got nothing to worry about', 
I shook my head. There was nothing I could think about right now. Although I did think about something but it's hard to express myself. But I did try.
'Well, can you...like...stay here. With me?' I felt a bit of proud of myself. I never ask things like that.
'Yeah, of course. Let me just grab a more comfortable chair', he stood up but I pulled his arm. 'You can sit on the bed if you want. I'll move a bit',
So I moved to the side and he took place next to me. We sat in silence. I felt peaceful and save. He had some kind of power over me and that felt good. I looked down at his hands. At the cute litte bird tattoo on his hand. Without asking permission I grabbed his hand and let my fingers trace the figures of the bird.
'You know, you're actually not that bad. I always found you really annoying', I chuckled soft.
He blushed: 'I guess that's a good thing',
I kept holding his hand. It made me feel strong and that was exactly what I needed to feel at the moment. But again there fell a silence. I didn't know him that well, so it was difficult to talk. 
I started thinking about the past days and hours. I mean, I hooked up with him last night than I never wanted to see him again and after that he saved my life. That's a lot of progress if you ask me. 
I looked him straight in the eyes. ' I owe you a big thank you. Really',
He smiled and nodded his head. 
A small tear rolled down my face. I don't know why but it wasn't a bad tear. 
'You're so strong, you know that. Way more strong than I am',
I smiled through my tears. He opened his arms and I leaned against him. The smell of his fragrance filled my nose. 
Normally I'm not the kind of person who likes to be hugged but right now I didn't care.
I liked it how he made me feel save.
Slowly I pulled myself out of his grip. 
'So..Um..What's your name?' his cheeks turned soft red. 
'Now you take advantage of me because I'm in a bad state', I stared into his eyes. Long and tight.
I could see he felt ashamed so I laughed and told him it was a joke.
'My name is Magali, but you can call me Mags', 
His eyes were shining bright. He looked so innocent and young.
'Magali it is. I like it better than Mags.'