Shawn Mendes Imagines

To Be Alive

Requested by and dedicated to: shawnieboyimagine

Requests are always open

--

I've called and called and called, but he isn't picking up the phone. 

Shawn has been kind of MIA for a little while. He'll text me every now and then, but never for long.

I grab my keys and decide to go to see him. He claims he's busy, but I don't care. I'm his best friend so I get to do what I want.

I see that it's dinner time to I pick up some Italian food on the way. When I arrive to Shawns place I knock on the door but no one answers. 

I get out the key he gave me when I house sat for him and unlock the door. This seems kind of like a crazy thing to do, just letting myself in, but I can't help but feel like I need to be here.

I walk in and all the lights are off.

"Shawn?" I ask but I get no response. I go and set the food on the counter and then look around for him.

I go to his room and it looks like he was writing. There's paper scattered all over the desk and crumpled paper all over the floor. 

I pick up one of the pieces of paper and read it.

I want to start by saying I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't come and say goodbye, but I just couldn't.  I want my family and friends to know that I love them, but I just can't do this anymore.

My heart drops when I read this. I pick up another piece of paper and read it.

Life just doesn't seem worth it. Every day is a struggle. Just to wake up and try to be the person everyone wants me to be. To try to be okay when I'm not.

I feel my heart race as soon as I realize what these notes are.

 He was trying to write a suicide letter.

I drop the paper and run out into the living room looking for him.

Then I see him out on the balcony. I freeze when I see him sitting on the railing, looking straight ahead, pale faced.

My first instinct is to remain calm. I don't want to scare him.

I slowly go and open the balcony door.

He turns his head and looks at me.

"Y/n? What are you doing here?" He asks me with some shock in his voice, but his face is still blank.

I decide to pretend like I don't know what's going on.

"You weren't picking up the phone so I thought I'd come and check on you." I say light heartedly. 

"Oh. Well I'm fine. You can go now." He says. I walk closer to him and place my hand on the railing. I'm doing my best to hide the fact that I'm shaking.

"Yeah well I brought food. I can't eat it all by myself." I say, but he doesn't answer me.

I look around and try to think of what to say next.

"What are you doing out here?" I ask. "This doesn't look like the safest thing." I say and my voice cracks.

I clear my throat trying to keep my cool.

He looks at me and I see that he's crying.

"Y/n I'm sorry." He says and now I can't hide the shaking.

"Sorry for what?" I ask still trying to be clueless.

"I can't do this anymore." 

"Do what?" 

"Life. I just can't. I thought that there could be another way, but I just can't live the way I am anymore. All the stress, the constant weight on my shoulders, trying to make everyone happy all the time. It's like I can't be good enough." He says.

"Shawn..." I say.

"No. Y/n please just leave. I can't do this if you're here." 

"I am not going anywhere and neither are you." I say and he shakes his head.

"You don't understand. This has to happen. I have to do this. I screwed up too much, I've pretended I'm okay for too long, and I just...can't." 

"No. No Shawn. Just think for a moment. Please." I plead.

"About what? I've already spent too much time thinking!" He yells and I flinch back.

"You cannot do this. Think about what this will do to your family. To me. Shawn no one expects you to be okay all the time." I say and now I'm crying. "You don't have to please everyone and so what if you've screwed up in the past. Everyone has." I say.

"Not everyone has had to live in the eye of the public." He says.

"Screw the public. That doesn't matter one bit Shawn! You can get through this. It may not seem like it now, but you can. I know that I can't solve you're problems Shawn, but I can help you. I can be here with you and so can you're family. No one will ever think any less of you for needing help." 

"I don't know." He says and looks down.

"Please. Just come down and let's talk about this. Just please don't jump." I beg with tears streaming down my face now.

He looks at me now and I try one last time.

"Please Shawn. I love you and I can't lose you. I can't let you lose yourself." 

I can tell he's debating now. He looks down below him and then let's out a heavy breath. Shawn turns around and brings his legs over the rail and onto the ground.

As soon as he's away from rail I wrap my arms around him and we both drop to our knees on the ground.

"I'm sorry." He barley whispers. I grab his face between my hands.

"Don't ever apologize when you've done absolutely nothing wrong. You're here. Alive. Right now that's all I care about. You're well being is all that anyone who loves you cares about." I say.

He hugs me tightly and I kiss his cheek. I can't imagine what I would do without Shawn.

It kills me knowing the things he thought of life. That he very well still thinks of it.

Shawn and I sat out on the balcony like this for a long time. I didn't care though. I'd stay here forever if he needed me to.

In fact I did stay. I stayed with him and we talked all night. He asked me to stay with him for a while because he didn't trust himself to be alone.

--

The next few weeks were hard for him. At first he wasn't going to tell his family about what happened, but after talking to me about for a while he decided to.

His family was incredibly understanding and I can tell his mom really wants to help him get better.

Everyone does. 

We leave Shawns parents house after dinner one night and Shawn and I get into his car.

He stops before starting the car and looks at me.

"Thank you." He says.

"For?" I ask him and he smiles.

"For being you. For being my best friend. For being there that day." He says and now I feel my hands shaking again. This happens every time I think about it.

"You're my best friend. You are so incredibly important. You are valued so much more than you'll ever know." I say and place my hand on his cheek. "So thank you. For being you." I say and he grabs my hand against his face.

"It feels good to be alive."