Chapter 11

3.4K 187 45
                                    

ALAN'S POV

For starters, I was 3,000% beyond embarrassed for telling him about my problems. But, there was something about the tall, dark haired, handsome guy that made me trust him. My mind was swimming with a billion tiny details, all of them like strings, getting mixed up and confused. However, underneath the thread of tangled ideas, I knew that I had to get better. If you get better, you're going to be vulnerable. Am I? Is there something about this disease that protects me? I started pondering the idea, wondering if I would ever get used to the silence, until I realized that the voice didn't exist. It was the first I'd heard all day, like an alluring taunt echoing within my ears. I'd almost ignored the fact that I wasn't supposed to be hearing it. Should I discount it's message, though? There was no chance for me to think, because Austin himself sauntered up to me, looking at my artwork. He frowned slightly, which made me self conscious.
"What?" I asked. He shrugged, but his eyebrows furrowed.
"It's... uh, it's a little depressing, you know. But that's fine, you're getting your feelings out." He smiled encouragingly, but I still felt icky grey after his comment. It was a picture of me, but my eyes were bleeding. I guess it was depressing, but it felt right to me, at that moment. I was feeling down, missing the way things used to feel. My heart ached for a different reality, one that made sense. Dr. Wheeler was impressed, and proud of my "progress", but for me, I didn't know how to feel. My mouth just turned downwards, and I stared off into the distance, wishing I could get lost in the nonsense mumblings. Facing real life was almost as bad as the episodes, to me.
•••
At the end of the day, I was so fed up. I was sick of my life here at the hospital. All day, it was like I couldn't focus on anything. The real problem, though, was I felt so depressed. One after another, waves of sadness fell down on me, and I almost couldn't take it. There was no reasoning behind them, either. It just happened. I hated myself for being weak, for missing the blurry ease of schizophrenia, for wanting my old life back.
At the very end of the day, all the inpatients waited in the common room for their names to be called. It was med time, which made me even more bitter. As my name was called, I walked across the room, my shoes slapping the tile underfoot. A nurse named Spencer handed me two little red pills. They were practically laughing at me, at my misery. Hide them beneath your tongue. You don't have to lose everything. Without a second thought, I hid them under my tongue, swallowing the water and walking away. When I got to the nearest trashcan, I spit out the pills, which had begun to taste like horrible chemicals. What did I just do? I'd never ever done that before! It gave me a rush of adrenaline, though, being able to take control of something. For the rest of the day, I was paranoid that they'd found out. I could imagine Spencer running down the hallway, chasing me because he knew I spit them out. The feeling of power it gave me, though, I had loved that. It was... freeing.
•••
"So, Alan, how have you been feeling since your new medicine kicked in? Have you been hearing and seeing things?" Dr. Wheeler asked me two days later. Lie. Lie, lie, lie. I hadn't been taking my pills. I spat them out after hiding them, unable to even stop myself.
"Not very many." I said.
"Have you been feeling depressed or dizzy?" His voice started to float away, but I hung onto it desperately.
"No, neither." The truth was, I was very dizzy. Not depressed, just wobbly. That could be connected to the fact that I couldn't see well, though. My vision was filled with little errors everywhere. Things moved that weren't supposed to. Little whispers distracted me from getting to where I needed to go.
"That's good, very good. How are you feeling now that your mind is a little clearer? Are you feeling more social?" He scratched at his scruffy beard, smiling at me. He had those twinkling, old man eyes which I loved so much. They were filled with stars, shining pieces of broken glass floating about in space.
"Yes, very social." I lied. I hadn't even felt social enough to speak to Austin yesterday.
"I see you've made friends with one of the orderlies." He commented, smiling. "I'm glad you've branched out. It's a good sign. Tell me about your relationship with him." My words were difficult to filter, especially about him.
"Austin tells me a lot of interesting things. He listens when I talk, and he asks questions, and he makes me feel like someone cares." I said, smiling lightly. Dr. Wheeler nodded, writing some things down on his little yellow notepad. I wonder how many secrets live in that notepad. It's probably seen more in its lifetime than I ever will. Maybe, you could shake all the little secrets and words out of the book. They would cascade to the floor like drops of water, evaporating up into the atmosphere. Who's nightmares would you be breathing in then? Who's memories would give life to your plants when it rained?
"How else do you feel about him?"
"I like him." I said simply, feeling the corduroy of the couch against my fingers.
"Alan, don't you want to elaborate?" He pressed, smiling lightly. I sighed, not really in the mood for this.
"He's a really nice, caring guy. I think everyone who meets him will love him. He'll make some girl really happy one day." I said, mumbling the last part sadly. "I hope we're friends for a long time." Dr. Wheeler wrote some more things down, which I felt annoyed at.
"Well, I'm glad you're making friends other than Jake. Your relationship with him concerns me slightly." He admitted. I narrowed my eyes.
"What does that mean?"
"Well, you two seemed... awfully close." He said. "I'm not going to hint around it, but I thought there was a romantic relationship." I snorted.
"If only."
"Do you want that?" He asked. I thought about it a little. Maybe. If Austin wasn't part of my life. I mean, I'm not stupid. I knew he would never like me back. It just didn't make sense, it was a fantasy. Jake was really nice, and I felt good around him.
"A little." I looked down. No one knew I liked boys, besides Jake. Not even my parents. I didn't have many friends by the time I got here, having lost them all due to my lack of a social foundation.
"But he wouldn't go for it?" Dr. Wheeler asked. I nodded a little bit.
"He's straight. He's more of a friend, or maybe even a brother." I said slowly, my voice feeling very far away, like it had run away through a twisty tunnel.
"So you've never had any relations with him? Because, you know, that's against the rules." I nodded slowly.
"Never." Except that one time we kissed. It was fake, though. I was feeling dizzy, and tired. I wanted to stop, to leave and float away. Luckily, time was up. I stood, walking out of the room out and stumbling a bit. My eyes cleared up for a bit, and I walked to Arts and Crafts. I get to see Austin now, which was a nice, comforting thought.
Taking a seat, Austin came right over.
"Hey! Are you ready to meet Alice tomorrow?" He smiled at me, and all I wanted was to throw myself into his arms. Of course, I couldn't do that. Of course not, you idiot. He's obviously not into you.
"Yeah." I mumbled, watching the floor falter and move in waves. It looked like a beautiful white ocean, and my eyes followed its movement. The chair next to me groaned beneath Austin's weight, and he watched me closely.
"What do you see?" He asked quietly. Don't tell him. He won't understand. He'll try and change you. Just like the others.
"Nothing." I mumbled. My head throbbed, and my body felt all wrong. But, at the same time, I wasn't sad. There were no waves of depression, no intense, hard-to-deal-with feelings. Just a little bit of confusion. It's manageable.
"Are you okay?" His voice was so sweet, so caring, I wanted to tell him. Don't. I didn't.
"I'm just tired." I said. He squeezed my hand, not letting go. I smiled, feeling the warm eruption of butterflies throughout my whole body. I loved how he could make me feel like this.
"I have a break today." He said, rubbing circles into my thumb. "Are you sure you're okay?" I nodded. He bit his lip, and I just watched the ever swaying floor. If I had been standing, I'd've fallen at this point. The rest of class, I just painted little waves. It felt...right.
•••
"Okay, where do you want to live when you're older?" Austin asked, smiling.
"The ocean."
"You want to live... inside the ocean?" He chuckled at me.
"Yes. I can be a clown fish."
"You're too pretty to be a fish." He blurted, suddenly blushing. I felt my cheeks go red, too.
"Where do you want to live?" I asked.
"I don't really know. Anywhere with someone I love." He admitted.
"Ask me something else." I requested. We were just playing question games, watching the sky.
"What's your favorite flavor?"
"Of what?"
"Hmm.. Ice cream." He clarified.
"Cinnamon." He looked at me like I was crazy.
"Cinnamon? What the hell- er, heck, Alan? I really had you pegged for chocolate." I grinned, because being with him made me feel at ease.
"No way. Cinnamon's mad good, especially with sprinkles." He chuckled.
"You're adorable." I blushed furiously at this.
"Whats yours?" I asked. I bet it's strawberry.
"Strawberry." He said.
"I knew it!" I crowed, sprinkling grass on him. He didn't seem to mind it, though. "Okay, favorite memory." He thought about it for a long time.
"I- uh, I don't know. Childhood memory?" He asked. I nodded. "When I was a kid, me and Jeff used to go to my grandmother's house for the summer. She had a huge lake, and it was really far away from the house. The summer I turned 14, Jeff stole one of my grandpa's bottles of whiskey-" He began chuckling, "and we got a little tipsy and went skinny dipping in the lake. The next morning, we played it cool like nothing happened, but my grandpa just knew. I mean, we'd replaced the whiskey and everything, but he just knew. He totally whooped our asses, but- I don't know- it just sticks in my head as a good memory." He had a nostalgic smile on his lips, and I laughed, imagining Austin doing something that reckless. "What about yours?" He smiled at me, nudging my arm. I frowned.
"Most of the things I remember are from when I was younger, like before 5 or 6 years ago. When I was 9, my aunt and uncle went with me and my parents to the beach, though. It's pretty fuzzy, I just remember my dad hands, helping me jump the waves. I really like my dad." I mumbled. "He's a good guy." That was the truth. He always supported me in the things I did, and I loved him. Austin smiled at me, inching closer. The electricity between us was incredible. How can he not feel it? "What's your favorite book?" I asked, just to see those lights in his eyes.
"I can't pick. That's like asking a mother to pick her favorite child."
"That wouldn't be hard for my mom." I pointed out. He rolled his eyes at me.
"Hmm... stupid romance novels hold a special place in my heart." He grinned at me. "Seriously, though. What's your favorite?"
"I don't read a whole lot." I admitted. He gasped, and gripped my shoulders. My first instinct was to lean in and kiss him, but of course, I didn't.
"I have so many books! I could lend you some!" He smiled excitedly, and I smiled back. Holding one of his treasured items would be an honor.
"Okay." I agreed. "Who was your first kiss?" I asked.
"I forgot that you don't have a filter." He chuckled. "Well, I was 17. I was total dork in high school, so no one wanted to kiss me." He joked. "Her name was Marissa, and she only kissed me because she wanted to make her ex jealous." He was laughing, which I loved. I loved that he wasn't hurt.
"Do you forgive her?"
"Of course. I mean, I don't even know where she is now, and I don't plan on finding out. So, why not?" My eyes just locked with his. I couldn't stop watching him; he made my insides all mixed up. "Who was your first kiss?" He asked, breaking eye contact and laying back in the grass. I giggled, thinking about it.
"I was 13, and it was my best friend, Lucas. One day, we were playing video games, and he just kissed me. I wasn't sure what to do, so I went with it." The whole thing was idiotic.
"Did you date him?" He asked. I sprinkled more grass on his chest.
"No; we just made out sometimes. In secret." Austin frowned.
"What about first relationship?"
"I've never had one." I answered honestly.
"That doesn't even make sense." He grumbled, dusting off the grass just for me to sprinkle some more on.
"Why not?"
"You're so... interesting. And cute." He said the last part so quietly, I couldn't even tell if it was him or my mind. Honestly, it could have been either.
"You forgot socially inept and a paranoid schizophrenic." I chuckled at this. Dr. Wheeler says it's important to embrace yourself, but also to accept help.
"Yeah, but that's not even all of you. That's just the bit that I barely even see." He protested.
"Well, I guess you just see a different side of me." We both got quiet, listening to the birds chirp for a while.
...
"What's your favorite animal?" He asked, breaking the silence.
"A cat. Meow!" Austin tilted his head up at me, grinning like an idiot. "What?"
"I don't even know... I like dolphins." He offered.
"You would make a good dolphin." I commented. "Except for the rape-y ones." His smile dropped, replaced with confusion. "Look it up. Dolphins rape people."
"No way. I refuse to believe that." He protested.
"You can't ignore reality." My words were so ironic that it hurt. He sighed laying back down.
"Well, I still like them."
"Well, sucks."
"Sucks?" He said in disbelief.
"Sucks!" I chuckled. He tickled my side, sending warm tingles through my body. I jerked away, giggling and squealing. My body was seriously ticklish, and I didn't need anyone to know that. He just pulled me back, ruffling my hair and laughing. Our bodies were so close. Can't he feel it? We're perfect together. I sighed as he let me go, rolling onto my back and looking at the tree leaves overhead. The sun desperately shone through them, casting a warm shade onto my face. My eyes fluttered closed, and I enjoyed the lovely warmth. But it felt like someone was watching me; you know how you can practically feel the stare boring into you? My eyes snapped open. He was smiling down at me, and looked away quickly when I caught him. Does this mean he likes me? Don't get your hopes up. He's just trying to get close so he can hurt you. It's just your illness, I weakly reminded myself.
All in all, it was a good day. Coincidentally, my days always suck until Austin's there. Well, I wouldn't say 'suck'. You know those days where you just feel so... out of it? Where you stumble around your kitchen, looking for the bread, but for some stupid reason your mind keeps telling you to look in places where the bread obviously isn't? And you get frustrated and end up lying in the middle of the floor, feeling stupid and ehhh? Or, those days when you can't even feel your feet? Those days when your limbs are puffs of cloud, slowly wearing away until you can't even hold yourself up? I'd had those so often, and wasn't even sure if it was relatable. Maybe is was the illness that made me feel so... so disconnected. Something about my new friend made me feel good, though. Connected. My feelings grew stronger, and I couldn't wait to meet Alice. She seemed sweet, and honestly, it was only easy for me to socialize with Austin. If he would be there, I knew I could do it. Jake was a totally different story; he'd wormed his way into my life, and I grew to love him as a friend, becoming more and more comfortable with him, seeing as how we slept in the same room every night. But he didn't give me that same, at ease, lovely feeling that Austin did. After spitting my pills out, I curled up in bed, thinking about what it would be like to lay my lips against his.

Open Your Eyes (Cashby)Where stories live. Discover now