Open Your Eyes (Cashby)

Chapter 18

ALAN'S POV

Two days later, I was on Watch. That's just what they called it: Watch. Watch entails staying in the infirmary all day long and being watched most of the time. Because I wasn't taking medication, or eating, or really participating in anything.
"Are you ready?" The nurse asked. I still didn't know her name, but she was there to make sure I took my pills. Rolling my eyes, I grabbed them out of her hand and swallowed with water. I still hadn't seen Austin yet, and I missed him terribly. Even more so, though, I was sad, and I felt dejected. As I sat there, I brooded over how bad all of this had gotten. Why hadn't I realized that the voices were wrong? Why did I believe they were real? What's wrong with me? Every time I listened to them, bad things came right after. Dr. Wheeler says that it all comes with the paranoid delusions. After screwing up twice, I knew now that medicine was my friend. Besides Jake, possibly my only friend at this point. Just as I was steaming about how mad I was with myself, Austin walked right in the door with an apologetic look. My heart leapt into my throat, and I stared at the ground. There was no way I could face him.
"Hey. How are you feeling?" He asked, that kind and sweet voice luring me in. I just shrugged. He must think I'm an idiot. "Well, I'm on Alan duty right now, so..." He trailed off, chuckling a little.
"I'm sorry." I blurted. He nodded, swiftly taking a chair next to me and sitting at eye level.
"I'm sorry, too, for yelling at you. It was... uncalled for. I didn't mean to hurt you. I was just... well, it doesn't matter. You know, if someone had seen," He lowered his voice, "I might've lost my job." I nodded, feeling guilty. I hadn't even thought about that.
"I don't know what I was thinking." I mumbled, looking away. He frowned for a second.
"I- uh, I must've given you the wrong idea." He said. "Let's forget about it, okay?" He held his pinky out to me. I smiled, jumping at the chance to have my friend back, and locked my pinky with his.
"Thank you."
"No problem." He smiled, quickly pulling his hand away. "So, how do you like the book?" He switched topics.
"It's fantastic! I love it, I really do." Smiling, because I was almost finished with it, I exclaimed. His eyes did that twinkling thing, which had my heart in a squeeze and my chest tighter.
"Really?"
"Heck yeah." I spoke softly, smiling up at him. He watched me for a second, just grinning. It was one of those moments where things were perfect, and my mind was screaming how can he not feel this? It felt, to me, like crashing, thunderous waves, burying themselves atop my body. Maybe one person's waves are another's raindrops, though. In any event, it was a deep, cuspate disappointment.
"Great! I was hoping you would. The moment I met you, I knew you'd love it." He said, turning and grabbing something from a messenger bag he'd left on the table. "I brought- uh, some more of them." He'd mumbled, shuffling through papers and other miscellaneous items. I hummed in response, grinning that he'd thought of me. Everything felt so much better now. "Here." He said, presenting me with a few books.
"Austin... this is really nice." I said softly. "No one's ever really thought enough of me to do stuff like this." I admitted, looking in wonder through the titles. He cocked his head to the side a little, frowning.
"Well, I care. And I know you'll like these ones." He switched to another excited smile. That was something I loved; Austin always had a grin on his face, and it was so beautiful, so bright. Taking one from my hand, he displayed it to me. "This one is called September Girls, and holy crap, it's a total trip. You'll love it. It's like, you just have to feel its vibe and run with it, or else you won't make it past the first chapter." I nodded eagerly, smiling at him. "The Love Dictionary. Not really a novel, more like a collection of poems, or little anecdotes. It's a bit adult, but it really gets me thinking. The last one: The Perks of Being a Wallflower." His smile was... dazzling. I couldn't look away. "Uh, read this one first and tell me what you think as soon as you can, okay?" I nodded.
"Sure."
"Good, because there are not enough words to describe how much I adore this entity." He motioned toward the book, gently placing it in my hands. I cradled his possessions to my chest like delicate flowers.
"I like you when you're all excited." I giggled. Austin shot me a smirk.
"Well, duh, I mean these are amazing books."
"Calm down, you might burst a blood vessel." I teased. He rolled his eyes.
"If if was in the name of literature, I would gladly sacrifice." He said dramatically, clutching his chest. We held the stare for a moment until he looked away. "So... how are you feeling? You never answered me." He pointed out. Again, I shrugged.
"Mostly just bored and lonely. Kinda stupid."
"Stupid?" He chuckled. "Why?"
"I shouldn't have... listened." I said glumly. He sighed.
"You didn't really have a choice."
"I-I guess so. At first I just needed some control but it kinda got out of my hands." I explained, not wanting to think about the entirety of last week. It was... horrifying.
"Well," He squeezed my hand for a moment, "it can only get better from here, right?" I smiled at his optimism, squeezing back.
"Right." I confirmed. "I missed you." I said randomly, still without one of those word-filters. How people stopped themselves from blurting, I've no idea. It was a ridiculous effort I put forth just to hold small things in. He smiled warmly.
"I missed you, too! You're the only person here who gets me."
"That's sad." I remarked.
"Why?" His brow creased.
"You can't get on with people unless they're at least mildly crazy." I chuckled, but he shook his head disapprovingly.
"You're not crazy. Stop staying that." He protested. I rolled my eyes.
"Austin, I don't know if you got the memo, but I hear and see things that don't exist." I said, smiling a little. It felt good to make fun of myself a little, even if my condition was 'serious'. Making light of it lifted my burden.
"That doesn't make you crazy." He folded his arms. "Maybe you're the only sane one here, and the rest of us are imagining that those things don't exist." He paused. "Damn, I'm really not supposed to be saying things like that. You've got me breaking all the rules." He gave an easy smile, relaxing back into the chair.
"Oops." I chuckled, flicking a piece of ginger hair from my eyes. "I done screwed it up." I said, using a southern accent. He laughed, and I felt so at ease. Being with him came naturally to me, and felt so right.
"It's okay, you're forgiven. Only because you're cute, though." His lips twitched, and I tried to ignore the hammering in my chest.
"So, by default, if I wasn't cute then I wouldn't be forgiven?"
"Yep. But, you know, you're a long way off from that." He said, playing with the hem of his shirt.
"Thank you." I smiled at his kindness. Drifting of into thought, I wondered briefly if his past girlfriends had experienced whatever this was. This caring, lovely disposition was my favorite thing about Austin. Had those girls felt so at home, so good when they were with him? Had he made them feel like they were the most perfect, important thing in the universe? I sort of hoped that this feeling inside me, possibly between us, was one-of-a-kind, and no one else had felt it with him.
For the next few hours, we just talked. About favorite things and stupid theories and childhoods, we got a little bit lost. Being lost with him was something that I deeply appreciated, though. It was like getting lost in a place where every time you turned a corner, you found something even better. I guess, in my mind, I really over-visualized this. It became a sort of journey to me, the destination being Austin himself. Of course, I really didn't know the way there when we began, but I had him to guide me. So, in a way, it was like him leading me through this unknown place. And, dear god, for a place I'd never been until a month or so ago, I never wanted to leave. Never.
•••
After another day an a half, along with way too many visits with Dr. Wheeler, they released me, and I went back to my room. With, of course, a nurse escorting me, I found my way back to my own bed, even if it wasn't really mine. The fact that I'd been sleeping here for months, though, and how my body found a comfy spot on it immediately, seemed to contradict the concept of it not belonging to me. Although, I couldn't really start thinking of this place as my home. Blair Ridge couldn't be home, and I knew that I'd have to get used to the idea of living with my disease among the 'normal' people.
"Alan!" Jake exclaimed, jumping on me as soon as I entered the doorway. My body was knocked to the ground, but it felt good. It felt good to be cared about.
"Hey, Jakers. I missed you, too." I chuckled, trying to push him away from me. He didn't even budge, just secured his arms tighter, burying his face in the crook of my neck.
"Never leave me again, oh my god." He breathed into my shoulder, squeezing. I knew Jake needed many things: attention, company, and love. Even if he didn't seem like it. I was okay with his...neediness. And, oddly, he didn't guard himself around me. How strange, that once you come to love another person, you can drop your walls and pretenses. Jake certainly didn't act this way with others, and it let me realize that he trusted my motives. On the inside, we're all complex little universes, and I guess that you can never really know another person until they let you in. And, although it's almost impossible to relay exact details, being inside Jake's universe was something that I really appreciated and loved.
"Sorry." I whispered. He raised his head, looking at me. He was laying atop my chest, and even though he was pretty heavy, I didn't mind.
"What happened?" His voice was concerned.
"I..." My cheeks reddened, thinking of my mistakes. "It's not important. I just had an episode." He furrowed his eyebrows, scooting up a little further so his nose brushed mine.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah," I assured, "I'm totally fine." I guess my voice cracked or something, because Jake raised an eyebrow at me.
"Okay..." His voice was suspicious, but he shrugged, and planted his lips on mine. My whole body froze a little bit, but I recognized it as one of his friend kisses, which I didn't quite understand but had come to enjoy immensely. Kissing back, I placed my hands on his shoulders. It felt a little wrong, though, because all I could think about was him. Sigh, I wish these were Austin's lips. "What?!" Jake sat straight up, grinning at me.
"What?" I asked in confusion.
"You wish Austin was kissing you?" He chuckled, smacking his forehead.
"Oh, crap. I said that out loud." Well, it's official: I'm an idiot.
"Yeah, you did. What, my lips aren't good enough for you?" He asked in mock anger. "Oh, so did you talk to him yet?"
"Your lips are fine... They're just not Austin's." I added, whispering. "And he- uh, he said we could forget about it." The depressing weight of my statement had my head drooping back to the floor. Jake stood up, helping me to my feet.
"I really think he likes you, though." He insisted. We both sat on my bed, facing one another.
"Huh." I hummed distractedly. Sure didn't seem like he liked me when he shoved me away. Pushing the thought down, I sighed. "Whatever. I'm hungry." I changed the topic. There was no way I wanted to discuss this with Jake. Placing Austin's books under my pillow, I sat up, trying to looked inconspicuous. My roommate didn't need to know what I was reading.
"Dinner's in a few. Gretchen will be here soon." Jake smiled rubbing my stomach. It felt... really intimate. "Don't worry, you won't starve." He teased, but pulled me down so we were spooning.
"What are you doing?" I demanded. Jake sighed.
"Can I tell you something?" He asked.
"Of course." I replied.
"I need affection. Badly. All the time." I started laughing, but immediately stopped myself because I didn't want him to be embarrassed.
"Why?" I inquired.
"I've no fucking clue. Just get really fucked up without it. Maybe it's because my parents never really..." His voice got a little thick, so he cleared it. "Never mind. Is it cool if we cuddle?" I nodded, snuggling into him.
"100% fine with me. You know, being gay and all." We both laughed a little.
"Yeah, I thought so. Sorry, I just... need... I don't know. Forget it." He kissed my hair, holding me tighter. Letting it go, I could sense he didn't want to elaborate. I was also sure Gretchen would yell at us for breaking the "no touching" rule, but I didn't really care at that point. Helping him like this was something I wanted to do, especially because it felt nice for me, too. Taking his palm in my hand, I pressed little kisses to it, making him giggle. His fingers hooked under my chin, turning my face to his, where our lips met. This time, I said nothing about Austin, no matter what I was thinking. I just slid my tongue into his mouth and let things go from there. Jake truly was complicated on the inside, but it was comforting to know that I wasn't the only one.