Open Your Eyes (Cashby)

Chapter 13

ALAN'S POV

My mind, at all times, was plagued and consumed by thoughts of what could be. It was lovely to dream about something that could be, between Austin and I. But, I knew in my heart, the stark truth was that he could never feel the same way. Who would? All the same, I wanted to tell him. I wanted him to know. Why was that? Why do humans feel the need to try and change everything just to their preferences? Why can't we be satisfied with a 9/10? All these question lay unanswered in my mind. Nonetheless, I began taking my meds again. The voices in my head, screaming for me to not take them, I had to shove those back as far as I could. My mind was like a fairy tale wonderland, with loads of magic, and waterfalls flowing rich with power. But, sometimes it grew dark, vivid and brimming with nightmarish detail. It all depended on stupid little things, like the weather that day, or how my hair looked. One lock out of place, and it was all dark clouds and viscous bloody teeth. Medication brought me down from that fence, which was something I liked. On the other hand, I couldn't stand the way it made me hate myself and everything around me. Austin made me sure, though, that there was a world of beauty surrounding me, and that I just needed to open my eyes.
"So, tell me how you've been feeling lately." Dr. Wheeler requested at our meeting the next day. Lie. No, I can't.
"I'm feeling depressed." I said. The truth shall set you free; my shoulders lifted a little, and I felt better after revealing this to my counsellor. He nodded thoughtfully.
"I thought that might happen, although it took you a few days longer than most patients who're on the same medication, which is why I'm going to prescribe you another set of meds. Are you okay with that?"
"What will they do?" I asked, a little nervous. I didn't want a personality made up of pills.
"They'll relieve the depression side effect, nothing more. They may make you a little drowsy, but that's nothing a good breakfast can't snap you out of." He smiled at me, and I nodded, feeling a little lighter. Is this all it takes? I didn't know, but I felt good. I wanted to tell Austin, and make him proud of me. The rest of the session, he explained to me some chemical makeup of the inside of my mind, and how the drugs would balance things, but I zoned out a little, I'll admit. My head was all tangled up with thoughts of Austin, and the ocean, and little glittering stones in my window sill.
•••
"What do you think is out there?" I wondered, staring up at the sky with wanderlust. Austin and I laid on our backs, a rolling sea of grass beneath. Tiny little green tendrils tickled my ankles and hips, like a thousand kisses on my exposed skin.
"Aliens." I burst out laughing, and he looked indignant. "What?"
"N-nothing, it's just, I didn't expect that from you." I chuckled, turning my head to look at him. His hair was left un-gelled today, flopping back on the grass in a smooth veil of dark brown.
"You don't think aliens exist?" He questioned, smirking. The idea of other beings in our universe, it terrified me. It made me feel so powerless, but, then again, maybe I was. Are we, as humans, supposed to find solace in reality TV and drinking games when we find that we might not be superior?
"I don't know," I mumbled, "I don't like to think about it."
"What do you like to think about?" He wondered, smiling at me. I blushed upon his sight, looking away. The feelings he inspired were unbelievable, and I had to push them back down.
"Waves. Brimming, blue waves, filled with sunlight and soft sand... Flying. I don't know, anything. Aliens are... too far away for me to contemplate." He just looked at me, eyes thoughtful. I wanted to scream it, how perfect we were for each other, how perfect he was for me. I wanted to get better for him, which, in itself, was a ridiculous notion. Will he ever accept me? He's not even into guys, idiot. I wanted to curl into his side and lay my head upon his chest. I wanted just to be closer in any way possible, and it killed me that he only wanted to be friends. It occurred to me that this was the last of my problems; I'm a paranoid schizophrenic and I'm stuck in a mental hospital. The thought comforted me none.
"Where would you go if you could go anywhere?" He asked. Somewhere with you.
"Right now?"
"Right now." He confirmed.
"The beach." He groaned.
"What is up with you and the ocean? I mean, I like the beach, but you have a serious obsession." I giggled a little.
"I just like being in the water." I shrugged it off. The ocean is the most beautiful place, I was sure. Thousands upon thousands of miles of sparkling blue water to get lost in...
"What am I going to do with you?" He said, mocking exasperation.
"Love me, feed me, never leave me." I quoted Garfield, and he snorted. Against my better judgement, I reached out for his hand. Austin's whole body stiffened for a moment, but soon his hand molded to mine in a perfect way, that made my insides melt. His hand, much larger, enveloped mine into a tight, warm cocoon. And we laid there, just watching the sky. Never in my life had I felt so... serene. But a nervous wreck, simultaneously. My insides were being attacked by butterflies, and I felt so incredibly warm. Maybe there's a little box in every one of our hearts, with a one-of-a-kind keyhole. And when you find the person whose key fits, the box unlocks, releasing all these good feelings. All these mind-changing, stomach flopping, lip biting good feelings. He certainly had mine. Did I have Austin's key? Was it possible, in the boundless sea of amazing people, that I had the key to his heart? Did it even work like that?
"Do you remember when you asked if I believed in god?" Austin spoke, startling me from my thoughts. I nodded. " I had a friend, back in Phoenix. Her name is Sofie. She has a boyfriend named Brock, and they were trying to get pregnant. When they finally did it, she found out 2 months later that she'd lost the child. I can't stop thinking about the baby- fetus, the fetus. How could any god take away something so beautiful?" He sounded so... lost.
"What if God isn't a god, just a creator?" I stated. He looked at me questioningly. "Everyone tries to imagine God like a protector, and a leader, some sort of being to be worshipped and put on a pedestal. What if he's just the thing that created us, and nothing more. What if, after those 7 days, after he finished his work, he stepped back?" Austin smiled at me a little.
"That would break so many hearts, though." He replied, chuckling a little.
"Everyone wants to believe that the earth and life is out of their hands."
"You don't think it is?" He asked.
"I wouldn't want to leave my life in the hands of something that kills fetuses." Despite how depressing my statement was, we both began laughing. Our hands parted, much to my disappointment, but the butterfly feelings didn't leave.
•••
"Fuck!" Jake yelled, smashing his fist into the wall. This happened sometimes, and I was used to it, but it still scared me. It was just before bedtime, and I sat on my mattress, watching him. His face was all pink, a contrast to his usual worry free complexion.
"What's wrong?" I deadpanned, knowing exactly what was wrong. His pinched the bridge of his nose like this was a stupid question.
"I need a fucking cigarette, okay, Alan?" His voice was high pitched and stretched. I felt deeply his pain, not that I could understand, though. Jake came from a rough place in the Projects, and his foster family practically jumped at the chance to send him here. His biological parents dumped him a few years after Tommy died, and he'd been mixed up in drugs ever since, I think.
"Everything's going to be okay, just lie down. You don't need a smoke." He told me to always remind him when he got like this. Jake was committed to rehabilitation, and stapled up little articles about motivation and faith in our room. He even wrote cheesy quotes on our dry-erase board, saying things like 'One step at a time', and 'Hang in there! Recovery takes as long as you'll let it!'
"Shut the fuck up, you don't even understand!" He yelled, curling into a ball on his mattress. I was taken aback, watching his shaking, trembling form on the bed. A tear rolled down my cheek, and I felt like an idiot, sniffing and wiping it away. He looked up, eyes wide and full of regret. "I'm sorry!" He blurted out, getting up and walking closer. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean that." I just nodded, signaling that it was okay. Jake sat on my bed, changing the weight displacement, and laid his head in my lap. "It's so hard, Als. I didn't think it would be like this." He chuckled dryly, and I ran my fingers through his smooth, light brown locks.
"You can do it, Jakers. I know you can. I mean, you're the guy who painted the worlds largest penis on the inside of Ms. Daringer's room. You can do anything." He laughed, shaking my body.
"Second largest," He mumbled, "and thanks." His hand found mine, and entwined our fingers. My free hand just caressed his hair until he was calm enough.
"We'll make it through this." I mumbled, thinking about all the little things that made up my life here. I didn't want to lose all of them once I left, and at the same time, I couldn't wait to get out.
"I totally saw you with Austin today." He commented, making me blush. It was a good thing he was angled away from my face.
"So what?"
"He totally likes you." My cheeks flushed even further.
"Y-you think?" He chuckled.
"Way. Like mad. Hella. Totes." I smiled so huge, even though I knew it not to be true. We stayed there for a bit. I knew he wouldn't say it, but he needed comfort just as much as I did, and that was something conveyed by the way he didn't leave for another 2 hours.