Open Your Eyes (Cashby)

Chapter 12

AUSTIN'S POV

"Austin!" Alice squealed, running into the lobby on her skinny little legs. My heart beat with excitement as I enveloped the pale girl in my arms. The size difference between us was almost comical.
"You're here! We're going to have so much fun today." I murmured, letting her go.
"So, where's this friend of yours?" She asked, grinning at me. Alan. His name brought so much more happiness to me than I was willing to admit.
"Hang out here in the common room, I'll go get him. It's free period, so he's probably outside." I jogged out the double doors to find my ginger friend sleeping in the shade. My stomach was overcome with a storm of butterflies, and I felt my face go so red, catching him at a vulnerable moment. Kneeling down, I tapped his shoulder.
"Wake up, sleepyhead. Alice is here!" His eyes fluttered open, and I resisted the urge to awe. These feelings were alarming, but I'd fallen into the loop of ignoring it, because thinking about it raised questions that I didn't want to answer. I grabbed his hand, hoisted his frame up, and practically dragged him into the common room. He smiled shyly, looking at Alice. She watched him cautiously, but with amusement. Alan was like a little deer that was sniffing its surroundings. He walked up to her slowly, taking baby steps.
"Austin talks about you a lot." He said softly. She giggled, looking at me.
"Yeah, I'm pretty amazing." She joked.
"You're so beautiful. Can I touch your hair?" Yep, that's more like Alan. I just watched with amusement. She looked bewildered, and met my gaze. Nodding, I let her know it was okay.
"S-sure." She stuttered, and he grazed his fingertips across her pale blond locks. I was trying so hard not to laugh, because this was just so Alan.
"You're like a woodland faery." He said, and she blushed a deep rose color. "You are very, very pretty." I knew he wasn't even attracted to her. Alan's gay, but he sees beauty everywhere. It was something I loved about him.
"Thank you." She blushed.
"Well, we should get going." I said, ending the little trance he had her it. Maybe it wasn't just me; maybe Alan Ashby captured everyone's attention. He nodded, wandering back outside and sitting beneath the butterfly bush. Immediately, a couple of the small winged creatures fluttered onto his fingers.
"He's...wow, Austin. Very wow." She chuckled. "That wasn't him hitting on me, was it?" I chuckled, leading her out to hail a cab.
"Absolutely not. Alan's gay, but he knows a pretty girl when he sees one. You little woodland faery, you." She got so red, it was precious.
"Well, he's definitely something. I like him."
"Me too." I mumbled. "Me too."
•••
Today was probably me fulfilling my family fantasy or something. It's just... I knew I was only 20, but I wanted kids so badly. Alice and I went to the movies, and I took her out to get ice cream. For the first time, I tried cinnamon with sprinkles, thinking of Alan. Alice laughed at me, but I only thought of him. I'd become accustomed to the fact that he was always on my mind, and treasured the moments I got to spend with him.
At the end of the day, I took Alice back to the bus station; I couldn't just let her get in a cab by herself, could I? She insisted it wasn't necessary, but I wanted to. It was my duty to keep her safe. I mean, how comfortable could her guardian really be with their daughter running around with a grown man? I could at least bring her that far. So, with a kiss on the cheek and a hug goodbye, I watched the bus speed off. I felt good, but Alan was on my mind. Maybe I can see him tonight, if I just pass by his room... Why am I thinking these things? I was so attached, it wasn't even funny.
•••
When I returned, the patients were eating dinner, so the hallways were pretty clear. Walking towards my room, I saw a shadow pass the end of the hallway. Weird. It was probably just a nurse. Stopping at my room at the end of the corridor, I shut and locked the door, pulling my shirt off. A small gasp behind me caused me to whirl around. Alan was huddled in the corner, with his knees pulled into his chest. He just watched me with huge eyes, looking confused and scared.
"Alan, what are you doing in here?" I asked in a panic, my heart still racing from the surprise. My hands grabbed for a random shirt in the dresser, pulling it over my head.
"Where are we?" His voice was distant and small. I kneeled in front of him, taking his hands in mine. They were cold and clammy. His pupils were dilated, and he wouldn't look me in the eye.
"You're in my room... are you hallucinating right now?" He bit his lip, nodding. I sighed, picking him up, allowing his shaking legs to wrap around my waist.
"I'll take you back to your room." Holding him so close... I shuddered, and he wrapped his arms around my neck.
"I- I'm sorry. I got... confused." He said quietly, his breath tickling my neck.
"Don't apologize, you did nothing wrong, sweetheart." I swear to god, it popped out. I'm just a caring person. He giggled a little, resting his head on my shoulder as I walked us to the patients wing. "Are you tired?"
"Mhmm." He mumbled, tracing patterns on the back of my neck. Should I ask him to stop? I was too focused on how good it felt. Entering his room, I laid him down in his bed. He just turned over, curling into the blankets and closing his eyes. I imagined myself with him. Flicking out the light and closing the door, I mentally punished myself for thinking about that. You're disgusting. Sighing, I went back to my own room, changing into sleeping clothes and laid down atop the covers. My mind was impaled through with a thousand needles, all of them named Alan. Banging my head against the pillow, I waited for sleep to take me.
•••
The next day, all I could think about was seeing him. It during free period, I found Alan exactly where I expected him to be: outside. He was sitting on the wavy grass, a crown of sunshine lain upon his hair. The sight made my heart beat faster.
"Hey." I said softly, taking a seat next to him. He looked down, playing with a piece of grass between his thin fingers. "You okay?" I wrapped an arm around his shoulders. He nodded, blushing.
"I'm embarrassed."
"You don't have to be." I replied. "I just want you to be okay." As soon as the words came out, I could hear how loving it sounded, and I wished I could pull them back before they reached his ears.
"I haven't been taking my pills." He whispered.
"What?" I gasped. That was a serious sign of something wrong, and I was so... so astonished.
"They make me depressed. My world seems so grey when I take them." He admitted. I ran a hand through my hair, letting go of him. How could he possibly think that's a good idea?! I had to remind myself that our minds worked differently.
"Then... then you need a medicine for depression, and you need to tell Dr. Wheeler about this." I said. I wasn't even sure what to think!
"Are you disappointed in me?" He frowned, looking anywhere but at my eyes.
"Wha- no, of course not! I'm just concerned. Tonight, you'll have to take your meds, and tomorrow you need to talk to your counsellor about the depression." I said adamantly. He nodded, shameful.
"I don't want to be like this. I wish I was normal."
"There's no such thing as normal." I said quietly, leaning back against a tree.
"How do you figure that?" He sighed.
"The concept of normal doesn't even make sense. How can you take 7 billion point of views and find one that's 'normal'?" I asked rhetorically. He just stared at me with those huge, wide eyes. Lying down in the grass, he closed his eyes and smiled lightly.
"Tell me about something." He requested.
"What do you want to hear?" I indulged him.
"I don't know. Tell me about something you want to do in the future." My mind went straight to having kids. I seriously have a problem.
"I want a family when I'm older... pretty badly. I want to get married, and have kids, and take them to the beach, and all of that. I'm not really even sure why, I just love taking care of people. I... I want a daughter." I said, smiling and thinking about Alice. "I swear to god, she would be the most spoiled little girl." He smiled up at me.
"Who do you want to marry?" He asked, picking strands of grass away. I chuckled at his question.
"Uh, no one comes to mind. Just someone who loves me for me. Wow, that sounded cheesy." He just shook his head. "What's something you want?" I retaliated. He sighed deeply, looking distant.
"I just want to be happy somewhere." He looked sort of pained. "Do you believe in god?" His thing with switching topics was so weird. Religion was a touchy subject for me anyways.
"Not really. Do you?" He nodded.
"Yeah, I guess so. I mean, there's definitely something going on out there." He was acting pretty distant, not smiling, and I felt saddened for the pain he had to go through. He didn't ask for this. Why should he have to deal with it?
"I tried cinnamon ice cream." I laid down on my stomach next to him, propped up on my elbows. He grinned.
"With sprinkles?" I nodded.
"With sprinkles."
"Well?" He prompted, smiling hugely.
"It tasted horrible." I said softly, grinning back at him. He was so close now, and I felt an undeniable energy between us. He nudged his shoulder to mine as hard as he could, which wasn't very hard.
"You're the crazy one." We both started laughing, just enjoying each others company. For the rest of the time, I just wanted to drown in him. If that even makes sense; I wanted to immerse myself in the way he spoke, his excited eyes. Alan Ashby was an enigma, each layer brimming with little details that wrapped together like a radial bouquet of flowers. Every thorn, every tarnished leaf, every little bug hitching a ride just made him so much...better. I guess that sounded obsessed. Maybe I am obsessed. Does everyone feel like this for another person? Only one other person? I absolutely could not entertain the idea of being with him romantically. I wouldn't. Not while he's institutionalized, not while I'm working here, not in this lifetime, not ever. I'm not bisexual. I've never had any sort of feelings for another guy, and it was going to stay that way. I didn't judge homosexual and bisexual people; not at all. I just wasn't one of them, and that's all that made sense to me. I'm 20; don't you think I would've figured it out before now if I was bisexual? What was I supposed to do? Being near him caused me inexplicable joy and confusion. Was I supposed to stay away from him? I don't think I could.