Before you, I didn't know what it felt like to be completely captivated by another person. I didn't know it was possible for my heart to feel so full. I had never experienced the butterflies I did when you held my hand for the first time.
Before you, I didn't know what having "a person" meant. You were the first person to ever make me feel secure. You were the first person I ever feared losing. With you, I felt on top of the world. You were my first person.
Before you, I didn't know it was possible to fall for someone as deeply as I fell for you. You came into my life and effortlessly fascinated me. I loved everything about you and everything you wanted to be. I showed you parts of me that I had never shown anybody else. It was so easy to open up to you and let you in. I trusted you, with my mind, body, and soul. It was terrifying yet strangely comforting.
Before you, I didn't know it was possible to feel alone in a love affair meant for two. I didn't know it was possible to hurt as bad as I did. I never wanted to be the girl who waited by the phone, hoping her beloved would call her back or the girl who read too much into a text that simply said, "okay." However, somehow, I became her. I didn't know what it was like to physically feel my heart breaking. Finally, I didn't know what to say when you spoke the words, "I can't do it anymore."
Before you, I didn't know what it was like to carry around a heavy heart. I had many early mornings and late nights due to lack of sleep. Everyone around me knew I was in pain. I knew that for a fact when my mother offered to make me a cup of coffee, even though she practically begs me to give up the caffeine. I was hurting and it became the job of everyone around me to pick up the pieces that I didn't have the strength to.
After you, I wonder if I can open up my heart to someone again and let them all the way into my life the way I did for you. I wasn't okay for a long time. However, this entire journey has given me a lot of time to reflect. I will say I'm doing a whole lot better than I was before. I smile. I laugh. I find joy in the little things.
After you, I realized my strength. I realized I deserved to be loved as a whole, not a half. It took loving you and you breaking my heart for me to realize how strong I really am. I'm working on forgiving myself. I am working on forgiving you. I'm trying to heal. It's definitely a process that does not happen overnight. However, with time, I will get there. And when I do, I will be free. For now, I am okay. And for the first time, "okay" will do. TC mark
