'We all die anyways'

When it all started

I walked to the front door step. Turned the key. Heard the lock. Dropped my bag to the floor and a tear slowly cascaded down my cheek.
No one gets how you feel, no one can understand them thoughts in your head. Literally no one gets how i feel.i can't explain it you will never be able to understand it .
I hurdled into my bed hid from society to wake up to a screeching to my ears my alarm clock. Everyday is a new day. A million thoughts flashed by my head in a matter off seconds. Next minute my eyes drifted to the ragged blade placed on the side. Nothing else but a sharp blade. As the cuts get deeper the blade gets blunter. And suddenly your caught up in an addiction off that clenching pain you feel on the outside to distract your pain on the inside  and you wipe the blood away for the clean cut incion . you feel as numb as Anaesthesia. You fall asleep , wishing someone could save you. your in the school toilets wishing someone could save you,
Your surrounded by people wishing they could save you.But no one does. You learn to live that society selfish everyone cares about themselves there living for themselves. But everything you do will always have a bad consequence, it always does you have to get used to it and I wish my mum brought me up to realise that everyone you meet is a two faced bitch, everyone's full off judgements yet you could judge them in every imperfection but you realise that you could die tomorrow and everyone has there own unique way off doing things and as long as your happy the way something is then that's all that matters you can make other people happy coz that's my happiness but making others happy in a way that your happy is a feeling you can't explain but yet again your the one who will wake up in the mirror take a look at yourself and think why am I the way I am , yet we all surrounded our self in shitty situations that mentally drain us to where we physically can't breathe but the thing is being a 14 year old girl with so much more of the world to explore scares me.The one shitty situation I have no choice about is school.  There's just something about it. The way a tiny little 14 year olds brains is trying to understand everything without a choice is like rape being forced to something you didn't want to do but no one ever wanted our consent it's not a choice it's a strong powerful thing, one day it will change. People say, be  grateful to have an education as people who haven't got an education would kill to have However it's funny how we don't want something but someone else would die for it But when you can't get up in the morning your body won't mentally let you , you feel pain, you feel like you can't breathe your full off so much dread and you just want life to end because facing so many people that you'd rather not surround yourself your scared off people anxious off crowds and you cry and your body is screaming in side. breathing gets quicker and your breaths get shorter. I feel my ribs cages fracturing and my organs are releasing themselves free from the rib cage that once held them captive but no one ever said don't worry about It I know you can't get out off bed Mia. ' stop being so lazy' but that has nothing to do with it. You could have everything you want and more and still be depressed , when I was younger they said depressed was another word for sad but as you grow you realise it's more than another word depressed is a constant feeling you can be sad if they don't sell chocolate ice cream at the shop however depressed is another level. I can't breathe there's an ache in my lungs it feels like there slowly but quickly collapsing and it's painful it's more painful than slowly sliding a blade across your wrist or gently cutting up your thigh or lower stumoch that you don't show because your too self conscious and fat to wear a bikini in the first place and I have someome special and that someone special will understands it more than I'll ever understand it my self. Which I'm incredibly lucky for.I never felt as though anyone would love me no one seems to get how I feel. How I wake up in the morning and feel so shit about my self. No one gets the feeling. The urge. The crave. When you feel as though no one cares about you or the things you do. You don't seek attention you seek comfort and comfort is something you find. Comfort was something I found in a blade.
I find it hard explaining things when I don't even understand them myself.
People say it's all in your head and tell you to get over yourself. They say off course They care. well if people care so much why don't they show it. People who I'm supposed to be closest to can't even ask if I'm okay... but if it was me I'd be first to ask them and then you think I give up , I give up with everyone because I'm always trying but it's never good enough everyone's standers are too high and I'm not low standers I'm just hurt inside and out, fucked up, confused and one day I wanna get better and stop feeling like this everyone tells me it will get better and everything will be okay and I then I think to myself seriously why you lying to me when things are getting worse they may care but only in a way where they want you to shut up so they can carry one watching there show on Netflix and that's how fucked up society is and I think what actually am I living for at 2 I started nursery I cried everytime my mum left me I would wait at the window and and cry an even scream at 4 I started reception where I'd say I'm unwell and scream as I didn't wanna go I just wanted to be at home with my mummy and I'm in year 9 now and I'm still crying and screaming about not going to school but going to extents like trying to give myself food poising or making myself throw up continuously. When I was 8 only 8 I had an argument with my parents and I started cutting my self with a cello tape holder and then I rubbed my knuckles against a brick wall till there red raw. When I was 9
I'd duck down in the car as I was scared to be seen in public when I was 10 I'd bindge eat , eat and eat for comfort and when I was 11 I turned back to a knife from the kitchen when my grandad died my world fell apart. I was closest to him and I told him everything the only person I trust and told him everything and I'd go to him when I felt upset he'd always cheer me up no matter what and when he died I had no one and I got really bad depression and I couldn't talk to no one then I started selfharming really bad so I always get worried when I get close to someome that I'll losse them so I shut them out and push them away but I've got better at that even though I have constant paranoia an I'm scared. I remember being dropped off at brownies or dance and crying from my mummy leaving me I've just always has bad anxiety wether that separation or being away from home or out it public it just scares me and I don't know why my brains so fucked like this it just is. But when I was 10 I didn't really give a fuck even tho I looked fat I had confidence and I didn't learn about the 'big bad world' till I was 11 at secondary school when I started I didn't have a phone, I got a little Nokia and I was on my Instagram an I started realising how everyone was meeting up and I was stuck at home missing out everyone had 2 friends no one hung out in groups it was fun I guess getting used to transitions till I got bullied for my weight teased pushed and name calling, it was cyber bullying and verbally at school but they'd say I'm a whale or I'm fat and my brother would join in they where his mates after all. Which doesn't make it okay but he has his own problems but from then I started to realise how fat, ugly and how no one loved me not even my bother. But at 16 you leave school spend a couple off years at college then your off to do a degree at uni then you get a job then you retire at 65 then your in a grave next and everything you once had and  felt meant nothing but you can make the most off life , you have that opportunity even if it's shit and you've been on the edge off the cliff or you've had the rope tied up against your neck and you've tried overdosing although your still here now your stronger than you've ever been before even if you feel weaker than ever . 'Sucide is just permanent solution to a temporary problem' even if it doesn't seem that way it is only that.