Keeping Secrets (Book 1)

Chapter 9: Guilt

As soon as I pulled onto my street, I knew my suspicions had been right. Travis' car was parked in my driveway, waiting for me. I was so screwed.

I knew avoiding the situation would make everything worse later, so I pulled into the driveway next to his car. There was no getting out of this easily, that was for sure.

I found both Travis and my mother sitting at the kitchen table, casually drinking glasses of lemonade like nothing was wrong.

"Did you lose your dinner date?" Mom asked me. "I think I found him for you."

I sighed, sitting down in the open chair at the table. "I'm sorry." I didn't know which one I was apologizing to, but I knew they both deserved one.

Travis grabbed my hand that was laying on the table. "Babe. You know I would have loved to go to dinner with you. All you had to do was ask." He smiled, but I could tell he was worried about me. I didn't doubt that he was.

I opened my mouth to tell him that we could still go - right now - but Mom spoke up before I could say anything.

"Where did you go, Dylan?" she asked.

I shook my head. "Nowhere."

"Dyl..." Travis started. "We were worried about you."

I scoffed, pulling my hand out of his grasp. "Why? Because I'm crippled? Because I went somewhere by myself for the first time in months? Because I got into a bad accident once and now I can't be trusted to drive anywhere? Why?"

"No, of course not, sweetheart," Mom said softly. "We just didn't know where you were. You lied to me, Dylan. I understand if you wanted some space, but you could have just told me that instead of making up excuses. What if something were to happen? Huh? Then what? We'd have no idea anything happened and, even if we did, no way to help you."

I stood up, frustrated. "I'm twenty-two years old, Mom. I can handle myself."

"I never said you couldn't. But I'm your mother, Dylan. I will always worry about you."

I shook my head and grabbed Travis' hand off the table, pulling him to his feet. "Come on," I told him, leading him out of the kitchen and down the hall. We didn't get all the way to my room before he stopped me.

"Babe," he said softly. I turned around, but kept my gaze to the floor. "Your mom mentioned that you were kinda upset about Jenny earlier. It's not this whole ghost thing again, is it?"

"Travis..."

He lifted my chin with his finger. His brown eyes were full of concern. I haven't seen that much emotion in them since the first time he came to me in the hospital after the accident. "It is, isn't it? Did you go back to Nina's? Dylan?"

I opened my mouth, but no words came out. My mind felt blank. I had nothing to say to him that wasn't a lie. I didn't want to lie to him. I love him.

So that's what I told him. "Travis, I love you. But please, just trust me, okay?"

"Dylan, when your mom told me that she thought you were with me when I hadn't heard from you all day, do you know how scared I was? And then you wouldn't answer your phone... It was like the accident happened all over again. Babe, you're my world. I can't lose you."

I gently pressed my lips against his. "And I can't lose Jenny either. I couldn't save her then, but I can save her now."

"Babe, the accident wasn't your fault."

"Maybe not, but I did miss the turn, which put us on the same road as that drunk driver." I shook my head with a sigh. "She was telling me how she gave my number to some girl. I was distracted. I missed the turn I needed to take, trying to figure out how to tell her that I'm gay."

"What'd you just say, boy?"

I froze, my heart pounded loudly in my ears. I can't believe I had forgotten Travis and I were standing in the middle of the hallway. I didn't realize my dad was even home. How could I have been so stupid?

Slowly, I turned around so that I was facing my father. He was standing there with his arms across his chest. For once, it didn't seem like he was drunk. Maybe he just hadn't started for the night yet.

"I'm gay?" It came out as only slightly better than a little squeak. How embarrassing.

Travis' hand was on my waist, and I felt comfort in the touch. He was here with me. It didn't matter what my dad had to say, because this was who I was, whether he liked it or not.

"I don't care about that," Dad said with a scoff. "I've known you two were fucking for a while now. What was that bit about you saving Jenny this time around?"

"Uh... um, well..." I felt like a mumbling mess. First off, he just completely brushed off me telling him I'm gay and he's known about it for I don't know how long. But how long had he been standing there, listening to us? What had we even said in the last few minutes that he could have heard? Did he hear about the ghosts?

"I wish I could bring her back," I finally managed to say. "I wanted to save her and I couldn't. But if I could have just one more chance..." I sighed. "I would do everything I possibly could to save her."

At that point, I'm pretty sure my words were directed more towards Travis than my dad. Sure, I was still facing Dad and talking to him, but Travis would understand exactly what I meant by those words.

"Yeah, so you could mess it all up again, you little murderer?"

Without missing a beat, I snapped. "You don't understand how guilty I've been feeling since that night. I lost almost everything, including you. You don't think that if I could change things, that I would? I want my family back together, of course I do! Maybe if I had come out to you guys sooner or maybe if Jenny hadn't gone out that night or if something was different, we'd still be okay. But we're not. And you can't keep taking your grief out on me, Dad, because that's not fair. I'm still your son. I'm your kid that's still alive. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."

Without another word, I pulled Travis into my room and shut the door behind us. I suddenly found myself wrapped in his arms as I clutched him tightly.

"I know how much saving the ghosts means to you," Travis whispered against my ear, "which is why I'm not going to stop you. Even if I wanted to stop you, I'd never be able to." He backed up, laughing a bit. "And, honestly, that whole thing about ghosts being real still freaks me out, so I'd rather not know too many details. But... I'd still like to stay somewhat in the loop, okay? Only 'cause I love you and care about you, okay babe?"

I nodded. "Nina and I are going to your work tomorrow to see if there's any useful books there on how to get in contact with Death."

Travis laughed, sitting down on the edge of my bed. "I just had to ask, didn't I?"