How gay- I mean how may I help you?

How I Handle Things

"I- I... " I take a deep breath before gasping, "Jasper?" I say loudly.

He covers my mouth with his hand. No, he doesn't smell like her either. He smells.... Better. Shhhhut up.

"What the fuck Lucas?" I can imagine his lips forming the words- I mean I was just kissing those lips. I reach up and touch my lips.

Damn this must look really bad, "Okay I know this might look gay or whatever but-"

"Wow," he says incredulously, "I don't give a shit what you are, I just want to understand why you would jump anyone before actually knowing who they are." He's not even joking, and my really buzzed brain can't get a grip around what he's trying to say.

When I was younger I had always worried if I was gay, because when I was in the boy's locker room I had always wanted to know why we were always talking about girls. I never said anything, but I always thought men's bodies were way more attractive, and I don't think I meant that in a egotistical way.

"Hello?" Jasper snaps his fingers in his face. For some reason I grab them and pull him forward. I just can't stop thinking about those lips, god bless it. And how it would feel if he kissed back, oh god I might lose it if he kissed back.

"Sorry," I say, my voice scarily deep and huskier, "Just kiss back this time."

I pull him all the way toward me and my lips crash with his and I kiss him. I kiss him through the buzz in my head and I know I'm doing this... And I don't care.

He starts to kiss back, and, tentatively, he raises his hand to my cheek, and then my hair. He runs his hands through it and I groan. A guttural, loud thing. I open my mouth against his and he does the same, breathing the same breath. I push my tongue against his lips for access and he allows it. The way he uses his tongue drives me crazy, making paths up and down and then to the roof of my mouth.

It's embarrassing, because I always thought I was a dominant, but here I am falling at the mercy of some guy I barely know. I start to kiss his neck, again embarrassing, and he leans to the side so I can gain more access. I feel his hands under my shirt and it feels amazing... and it's also what stops me, "No, no. No. Stop."

Immediately his hands go to his sides, just like at the store, and he sighs, like he's given up, "Lucas, you came onto me," he says calmly, "You didn't have to even say stop."

That's when it comes back to me, who I'm supposed to be. Losing Troy and especially Trick. Losing everyone and my mom. Everything I've dreaded since gym class comes flooding over me all of a sudden, and I do care, "I don't know what the fuck this is," I take a few deep breaths, because I know I have to say it, "Buy you have to stay the fuck away from me, fag."

I don't want to hear his reaction, or even hear what he has to say. So I'm down the stairs and out the door before I know what my plan is. I try to wipe away the feeling of his lips. Why the fuck was he here in the first place? And why was I even attracted to him? He's like all of the things I hate; curly hair and most of all a dominant. Except for those green eyes, and his brown, Puerto Rican skin. 

Maybe you like it on him. Oh god no, not my head.

"Hey dude where you been? Whitney came down looking pissed, drop her for another gal?" It's just Trick, and I sigh, relieved. He pats my shoulder before resting his hand there, lifting up the bottle of Vodka in his hands, "Want some alcohol to calm your nerves?" He's making this face where he's sticking his tongue out but smiling at the same time while raising his eyebrows, and it makes me forget everything.

I laugh, it sounds choked and refrained, "Can we go over to your place though? I need a smoke anyways."

He makes his serious face and nods, "Yeah dude, anythin'." He heads in to get his keys and I head for his car, making sure to put a reminder in my phone to come get Trucker (Troy and I named my truck that when we were sitting in the back by the lake and drinking and it kind of just stuck since then) in the morning.