How gay- I mean how may I help you?

Tell Me What You Wanna Do

It's been two week and I haven't seen Jasper. 

He hasn't been to school, hasn't shown up to crew practices, and I'm too afraid to go to his house because I feel like I'll be clingy. 

I've drove by his cabin once or twice but there's no sign of his car or motorcycle. I've peeked through my bedroom window into any of his but still no sign of him.

I feel like I'm going completely fucking insane. I have too much time on my hands. When I'm at work I beg God to somehow let Jasper happen upon the pizza place but it never happens. 

When I'm at home I jump to see who's at the door whenever I hear the doorbell, but, of course, it's never him.

I've resorted to texting him, a lot, but every single fucking text stays on delivered. When I call him it goes straight to voicemail, and none of his cousins or friends at school have said a word to me.

I feel like I haven't had a hit from a drug in days, I've isolated myself away from all of my friends, and I'm too upset to spend any money so now I got a savings account.

My text messages have gone from worried to upset and now just complete confusion and rage. 

I'm too angry to even be sad anymore.

~

It's been three weeks since I've seen Jasper. I could count the hours since I've last kissed him but then I'd sound insane and God knows I'm already going insane so I don't need that.

If he were to walk through my door I don't think I would kiss him, I think I'd just beat the hell out of him. But I know in reality I'd act like everything is fine. 

I've finally stopped texting him, not wanting to embarrass myself if he's actually seeing them, or worse, hasn't yet and when he does he'll think I have mental issues. 

He's probably glad I've finally taken the fucking hint. 

Wherever he is I hope he's choking on a brick.

I've put in a weeks worth ahead for work and now I'm not making any money. 

My mom has finally got off my ass about being in my room all the time though, so thank God for that.

I still can't stop thinking about him.

Like, I don't even get an explanation? Like nothing? At this point I don't even care if he ignores me I just want an excuse.

I wish I never met him.

~ 

Week four and counting. 

I don't know if I'm getting better or worse. I finally talked to Trick, and he must know what's going on because his aura goes down when he sees me.

Fuck, now I'm pitied. 

I worse enough that I feel bad for myself.

But Troy seems happy about it. He hasn't seen Jasper at all, and now he feels like I'm not gay anymore and is always trying to get me to talk.

"Jasper, he's gone now, you don't have to worry man," he'd say, and then slap me on the back with the biggest grin on his face.

I shouldn't be waiting for him, but I feel like I am. Half a year could go by and if he came back I'd fall at his feet for mercy.

I'm pathetic.

~

It's been a four and a half weeks, and I've finally come out of my room today, but just for today.